Sayings and Quotes Funny Jokes



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I prefer sayings over jokes. Robert Ballard
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
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You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. Hy Gardner
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams
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Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers. Richard Pryor
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. Daniel Tosh
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Which weakness shall I tell her? "I walk funny," I say, and she's satisfied with that. (inside joke) Mary E. Pearson
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I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny. Mark Russell
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Life is funny, baby, and that's no joke Rachel Cohn
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I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. Mitch Hedberg
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He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. George Bernard Shaw
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I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that. Howie Mandel
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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Emo Philips
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Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw. Woody Allen
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