Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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People seldom live up to their baby pictures. Rodney Dangerfield
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. Rodney Dangerfield
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...' Rodney Dangerfield
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There goes the neighborhood. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect! Rodney Dangerfield
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Man, who don't like spaghetti? Rodney Dangerfield
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met! Rodney Dangerfield
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. Rodney Dangerfield
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I can't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. Rodney Dangerfield
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Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife gives good headache. Rodney Dangerfield
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act. Rodney Dangerfield
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows. Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck. Rodney Dangerfield
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it. Rodney Dangerfield
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. Rodney Dangerfield
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. Rodney Dangerfield
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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