Phyllis Diller Quotes

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You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers. Phyllis Diller
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Comedy is tragedy revisited. Phyllis Diller
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Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt. Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. Phyllis Diller
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I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller
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Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. Phyllis Diller
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. Phyllis Diller
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it. Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none. Phyllis Diller
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. Phyllis Diller
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All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. Phyllis Diller
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid! Phyllis Diller
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. Phyllis Diller
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass. Phyllis Diller
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy. Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear. Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children. Phyllis Diller
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway. Phyllis Diller
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. Phyllis Diller
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. Phyllis Diller
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. Phyllis Diller
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea. Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. Phyllis Diller
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they"d boo. Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. Phyllis Diller
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I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. Phyllis Diller
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. Phyllis Diller
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
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Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator. Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis Diller
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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller
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