Phyllis Diller Quotes



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Comedy is tragedy revisited. Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers. Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis Diller
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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass. Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy. Phyllis Diller
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
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Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator. Phyllis Diller
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none. Phyllis Diller
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. Phyllis Diller
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All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. Phyllis Diller
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