Pale Jim Gaffigan Quotes

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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no. Jim Gaffigan
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You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither. Jim Gaffigan
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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best? Jim Gaffigan
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You know, I want to teach, but I don't want to read? Jim Gaffigan
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Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod. Jim Gaffigan
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Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause. Jim Gaffigan
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Kale is a superfood and it's special power is tasting bad. Jim Gaffigan
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I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane. Jim Gaffigan
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We're never satisfied when it comes to food. 'You know what'd be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let's use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!' Jim Gaffigan
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause. Jim Gaffigan
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Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. Jim Gaffigan
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If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house? Jim Gaffigan
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. Jim Gaffigan
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. Jim Gaffigan
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My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' Jim Gaffigan
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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. Jim Gaffigan
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I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda. Jim Gaffigan
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. Jim Gaffigan
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I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, Jim Gaffigan
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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. Jim Gaffigan
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