Funny Babies Quotes



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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe. Daniel Tosh

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies. Kristen Schaal

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. Doug Stanhope

Kissing babies and hugging fat girls. Dave Bautista

If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck. Jerry Coleman

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.' Dylan Moran

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. Jerry Seinfeld

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother. Dave Barry

We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. Daniel Dennett

We only have babies when we're young enough not to know how grim life turns out. Gregory Maguire

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. Jeff Foxworthy

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin

Babies and language are the essential ingredients of civilization, and speakers of language no more know where it came from than babies know' where they come from. Charlton Laird

Boys like romantic tales; but babies like realistic tales - because they find them romantic. Gilbert K Chesterton

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams

Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go. Paul Reiser

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? George Carlin

Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once. Norman Vincent Peale

It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet. George W Bush

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