Break Up Quotes Funny Jokes


It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! Daniel Tosh

I often fake my death and then just show up at people's houses. They say 'that's a good one Thom' but I know maybe they don't really think it's a funny joke. Thom Yorke

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. Daniel Tosh

Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something. Dom Irrera

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes. Nikolai Gogol

Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw. Woody Allen

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. Mitch Hedberg

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, "Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking . Anna Torv

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. Cher

One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably. John Hodgman

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. Mitch Hedberg

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but he can make every joke very funny. He would always come up with jokes on the loudspeaker on the bus. Steve Finley

The second mouse gets the cheese! Terry Pratchett

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. Emo Philips

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear. Amy Schumer

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that. Steve Martin

It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny. Brian Regan

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. Fred Allen

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. Daniel Tosh



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