Quotes on Humor

Do what you do best, and outsource the rest. Peter Drucker

It [humor] inhabits the marginal. Penelope Gilliatt

Follow your own weird. James Broughton

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do. Oscar Wilde

Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements. Barbara Johnson

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything. Cynthia Heimel

Good-humor is always a success. Johann Kaspar Lavater

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. Larry Gelbart

We go where our deepest desires take us. Deepak Chopra

When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all. Joyce Brothers

Doing is better than not doing, and if you do something badly you'll learn to do it better. Twyla Tharp

Humor is the pensiveness of wit. Robert Aris Willmott

If the gods have no sense of humor they must weep a great deal. Pearl Mary Teresa Craigie

Funniness is the wild card in the pack. Penelope Gilliatt

One parody is worth a thousand polemics ... Jennifer Stone

Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican. George W Bush

Please don't kill me! George W Bush

The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her. George W Bush

You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it. George W Bush

Governor Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure. George W Bush

It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then. George W Bush

I'm a compulsive everything. Mike Birbiglia

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. Steven Wright

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Steven Wright

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest. Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally. Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. Steven Wright

Sometimes I... No, I don't. Steven Wright

The plural of spouse is spice. Christopher Morley

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. George Carlin

And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor. Davy Jones

I'm single by choice. Not my choice. Orny Adams

I don't know how to describe my sense of humor. Michael Angarano

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. Steven Wright

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. Mitch Hedberg

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. Mitch Hedberg

Why are there no "during" pictures? Mitch Hedberg

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is. Yogi Berra

But you shall not escape my iambics. Catullus

Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. Claud Cockburn

I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature George Harrison

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet. Harold Pinter

I'll have that one, please. Herbert Beerbohm Tree

I am a confectionery-based existentialist. Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life... Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh? Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me. Bill Bailey

A fart is just your arse applauding. Billy Connolly

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack. Billy Connolly

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life. Dave Attell

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur. David Cross

The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin. Denis Leary

I do pauses, pauses work for me Dylan Moran

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner. Milton Jones

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. Mitch Hedberg

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy. Ellen Degeneres

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? George Carlin

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. Tommy Cooper

Hookers don't like to snuggle. Zach Galifianakis

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective. Zach Galifianakis

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! Woody Allen

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway? Dave Chappelle

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle. Jim Norton

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go. Kristen Schaal

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped? Natasha Leggero

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! Russell Howard

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping. Russell Howard

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life! Russell Howard

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life? Russell Howard

People with no humor, they're outta my life. Patti Labelle

Sometimes it takes ten seconds to see some humor in your dilemmas, sometimes ten years. Allen Klein

We do not take humor seriously enough. Konrad Lorenz

I am no longer a curmudgeon. I am a curmudgeon emeritus. James Gibbons

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. Arthur Miller

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not. Sarah Silverman

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