Quotes on Humor

Do what you do best, and outsource the rest. Peter Drucker
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It [humor] inhabits the marginal. Penelope Gilliatt
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Follow your own weird. James Broughton
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Either this wallpaper goes, or I do. Oscar Wilde
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Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements. Barbara Johnson
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A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything. Cynthia Heimel
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Good-humor is always a success. Johann Kaspar Lavater
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One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. Larry Gelbart
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We go where our deepest desires take us. Deepak Chopra
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When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all. Joyce Brothers
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Doing is better than not doing, and if you do something badly you'll learn to do it better. Twyla Tharp
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Humor is the pensiveness of wit. Robert Aris Willmott
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If the gods have no sense of humor they must weep a great deal. Pearl Mary Teresa Craigie
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Funniness is the wild card in the pack. Penelope Gilliatt
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One parody is worth a thousand polemics ... Jennifer Stone
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Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican. George W Bush
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Please don't kill me! George W Bush
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The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her. George W Bush
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You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it. George W Bush
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Governor Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure. George W Bush
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It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then. George W Bush
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I'm a compulsive everything. Mike Birbiglia
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. Steven Wright
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Steven Wright
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Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Steven Wright
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I was once arrested for resisting arrest. Steven Wright
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I was skydiving horizontally. Steven Wright
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My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. Steven Wright
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Sometimes I... No, I don't. Steven Wright
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The plural of spouse is spice. Christopher Morley
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She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. George Carlin
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And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor. Davy Jones
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I'm single by choice. Not my choice. Orny Adams
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I don't know how to describe my sense of humor. Michael Angarano
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. Steven Wright
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. Mitch Hedberg
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. Mitch Hedberg
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Why are there no "during" pictures? Mitch Hedberg
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Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is. Yogi Berra
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But you shall not escape my iambics. Catullus
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Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. Claud Cockburn
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I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature George Harrison
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The weasel under the cocktail cabinet. Harold Pinter
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I'll have that one, please. Herbert Beerbohm Tree
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist. Bill Bailey
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It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life... Bill Bailey
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Thank God for Darwin, eh? Bill Bailey
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This shed does not contain me. Bill Bailey
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A fart is just your arse applauding. Billy Connolly
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack. Billy Connolly
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life. Dave Attell
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We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur. David Cross
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The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin. Denis Leary
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I do pauses, pauses work for me Dylan Moran
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Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner. Milton Jones
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. Mitch Hedberg
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That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy. Ellen Degeneres
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? George Carlin
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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. Tommy Cooper
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Hookers don't like to snuggle. Zach Galifianakis
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I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective. Zach Galifianakis
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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! Woody Allen
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Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway? Dave Chappelle
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I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle. Jim Norton
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Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go. Kristen Schaal
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Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped? Natasha Leggero
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From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! Russell Howard
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When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping. Russell Howard
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This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life! Russell Howard
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Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life? Russell Howard
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People with no humor, they're outta my life. Patti Labelle
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Sometimes it takes ten seconds to see some humor in your dilemmas, sometimes ten years. Allen Klein
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We do not take humor seriously enough. Konrad Lorenz
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I am no longer a curmudgeon. I am a curmudgeon emeritus. James Gibbons
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Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. Arthur Miller
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I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not. Sarah Silverman
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