Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. Woody Allen
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Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals. Woody Allen
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Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively... But it wasn't just intellectual experiences. They were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could 'relate without getting close.' For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack. Woody Allen
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Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously. Woody Allen
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Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one. Woody Allen
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If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. Woody Allen
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Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it." Woody Allen
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When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while. Woody Allen
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Subjectivity is objective. Woody Allen
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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. Woody Allen
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All i have in my life is my imagination Woody Allen
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There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow. Woody Allen
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Fantasy is seductive and much more wonderful than reality, but you can't take it to the bank. It's always an escape. And if used as an escape, as in attending a movie or a show for a circumscribed period of time, it's fine. When it starts to become undifferentiated from reality, it leads to big trouble. Woody Allen
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I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen
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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. Woody Allen
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Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement! Woody Allen
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Everything in life turns out to be a distraction from the real thing you want to do. There are a million distractions and when I was a kid I was very disciplined. I knew that the other kids weren't. I was the one able to do the thing, not because I had more talent, maybe less, but because they simply weren't applying themselves. Woody Allen
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I've never had a block. I'm talking within the limits of my abilities. But in my own small way, I've had an embarrassment of riches. I'll have five ideas and I'm dying to do them all. It takes weeks or months where I agonize and obsess over which to do next. I wish sometimes someone would choose for me. If someone said, Do idea number three next, that would be fine. But I have never had any sense of running dry. Woody Allen
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You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. Woody Allen
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Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again... I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O'Neill were laughing. Woody Allen
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Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. Woody Allen
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Woody Allen
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Woody Allen
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Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging. Woody Allen
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. Woody Allen
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Men would make love with any number of women ... even total strangers, while females were selective. They were catering to the demands of one small egg. While males had millions of frantic sperms screaming: "Let us out, let us out!". Woody Allen
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I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, [and] receives new truth as an angel from Heaven. Woody Allen
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I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier. Woody Allen
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I never have an alter ego in the movies. That's a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it's fun to write that. It gives them something to write. Woody Allen
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My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. Woody Allen
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I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery. Woody Allen
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If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something. Woody Allen
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If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. Woody Allen
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You mellow too much you ripen and rot. Woody Allen
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Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. Woody Allen
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I've always been interested in being in other people's movies. I never get any offers. Woody Allen
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Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate. Woody Allen
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People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you. Woody Allen
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As I've gotten older, the parts have diminished. I liked it when I was younger, I could always play the lead in the movie and I could do all the romantic scenes with the women, and it was fun and I liked to play that. Now, I'm older and I'm reduced to playing the backstage doorman or the uncle or something. I don't really love that so occasionally, when a part comes up, I'll play it. Woody Allen
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I like broad comedy. If I had an idea tomorrow for a film that was all slapstick and broad comedy, and it was an idea that interested me, I would not hesitate to do it because I enjoy watching these kinds of film. Woody Allen
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Sometimes some of the best moments are contributed by the actors being creative, with their own improvisations. Woody Allen
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I do feel it's important to have some kind of faith in something, but [it is] impossible for many of us. I personally don't have any faith in anything, but it's great if you can. Woody Allen
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I never considered myself an artist. I aspire to be an artist, but I never thought I had the depth or substance or gift to be an artist. I do think I have some talent, but it doesn't go as far as being an artist. Woody Allen
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You can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, movies, by the nonsense. "Can I get my kid into this private school? Can I get this girl to go out with me Saturday night? Am I going to get the promotion in my office?" All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it's completely meaningless. Woody Allen
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One filmmaker makes films that are deep, intellectual, profound and confrontational. And the other one makes purely vacuous, escapist films. I'm not sure the one who makes escapist films is making a poorer contribution than the one who makes the deeper films. Woody Allen
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During the course of the year a number of ideas just come up automatically. I could be walking down the street. Or shaving. An idea will hit me and I'll write it down. Then, when I'm ready to write, I check my little matchbooks and napkins and find that it is good or it's pretty terrible. There are other times when I don't have any ideas and I'll go into a room and close the door and I sit and sweat it out for a day or a month and eventually I come up with [something]. Woody Allen
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I think I've gotten technically better over the years but you'd have to be a fool not to. I've made so many movies that by sheer quantity you get better at the technique. Woody Allen
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Culturally speaking, I was raised in a Jewish household. In addition to the religious side of it, I was taught respect for books and learning and the higher professions like medicine and law and teaching. Woody Allen
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I always feel, I guess being a product of the movies of the 40s where movies were the greatest things and screens were big and palaces were palaces and stars were larger than life that reality was so much inferior to what we felt was conceivably possible from what we had seen in the movies. Woody Allen
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Sgt: Next week, we leave for the front. The object will be to kill as many Frenchmen as possible. Naturally, they are going to try and kill as many Russians as possible. If we kill more Frenchmen, we win. If they kill more Russians, they win. Boris: What do we win? Sgt: What do we win, private? Woody Allen
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Boris: (a) Socrates is a man.(b) All men are mortal.(c) All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. Once, some Cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. Woody Allen
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Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves. Woody Allen
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Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs. Woody Allen
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A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said no. Woody Allen
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And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? Woody Allen
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I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb. Woody Allen
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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. Woody Allen
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That was the most fun I ever had without laughing. Woody Allen
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I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. Woody Allen
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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars. Woody Allen
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Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything. Woody Allen
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How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways? Woody Allen
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A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. Woody Allen
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I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today. Woody Allen
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Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy. Woody Allen
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All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car. Woody Allen
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My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything. Woody Allen
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