Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city. Woody Allen

I don't like to reminisce much, and my walls don't have photographs of me and the actors I was with, or any of that stuff. I try and keep that disciplined, and just work. There are so many traps you can get into, and looking back on your own work is certainly one of them. Woody Allen

My films are misinterpreted all the time. I don't mind that. Everybody's films are misinterpreted. But there's no malice or stupidity in the people that misinterpret them. You know what you do, but someone else sees it, and they want to talk about it or write about it, and so they misinterpret them. Woody Allen

I'm a creature of the New York City streets. Woody Allen

I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure. Woody Allen

You're a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent. Woody Allen

Humorists always sit at the children's table. Woody Allen

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. Woody Allen

The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off. Woody Allen

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting Woody Allen

I'm awash in self-contempt! Woody Allen

Ninety percent of life is just showing up. Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. Woody Allen

No Matter what you do there will be critics. Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen

In the shower, with the hot water coming down, you've left the real world behind, and very frequently things open up for you. It's the change of venue, the unblocking the attempt to force the ideas that's crippling you when you're trying to write. Woody Allen

Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind. Woody Allen

You're still in love' 'No I'm not, I'm not She'll always be a part of me, and she's an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn't working.' 'What element?' 'We never found out Woody Allen

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction. Woody Allen

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person! Woody Allen

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats. Woody Allen

Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen

I want to return to the womb, anyone's. Woody Allen

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe. Woody Allen

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around. Woody Allen

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce. Woody Allen

What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now. Woody Allen

When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates. Woody Allen

Well, if I don't get at least 16 hours, I'm a basket case. Woody Allen

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. Woody Allen

I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse. Woody Allen

I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Woody Allen

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. Woody Allen

Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen

After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about. Woody Allen

Sonja: Violence is justified in the service of mankind! Boris: Who said that? Sonja: Attila the Hun! Boris: You're quoting a Hun to me? Woody Allen

Sonja: I do believe that this is truly the best of all possible worlds. Boris: Well, it's certainly the most expensive. Woody Allen

I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know ? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen

The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign." Woody Allen

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy! Woody Allen

I don't why whatever works and whatever doesn't. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there's a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You're surprised pleasantly when they do. It's just luck. Woody Allen

I've been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long. Woody Allen

I keep getting more and more ambitious. Over the years, to some degree, in some areas, I feel I've grown. In some areas, I made a fool of myself. In some areas, I think I can still do some funny things. Woody Allen

There is no advantage getting older. You don't get smarter, you don't get wiser, you don't get more mellow, you don't get more kindly, nothing good happens. Your back hurts more, you get more indigestion, your eyesight isn't as good, you need a hearing aid. It's a bad business getting old and I would advise you not to do it if you can avoid it. It doesn't have a romantic quality. Woody Allen

I'm going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I"ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It - with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. Woody Allen

People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I've had the opposite feeling - that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer. Woody Allen

Many people who get a lot of money are willing to work with me for no money. This is true. Woody Allen

Writing is great because you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing. When I write the film is always a masterpiece at that point. I write and I make up things and budgets don't mean anything and it's great. Woody Allen

Let's say there was no terrorism whatsoever and we were all very nice to one another and we were all kind, we still would be faced with an extremely cruel and hostile universe and existence and so I'm a great pessimist and I feel that it's impossible really to be happy, and that the best you can hope for is to be distracted. Woody Allen

I've never felt Truth was Beauty. Never. I've always felt that people can't take too much reality. I like being in Ingmar Bergman's world. Or in Louis Armstrong's world. Or in the world of the New York Knicks. Because it's not this world. You spend your whole life searching for a way out. You just get an overdose of reality, you know, and it's a terrible thing. I'm always fighting against reality. Woody Allen

This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't. Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds. Woody Allen

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don't you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. Woody Allen

There's no correlation between what the public likes and what I'm after. I'm in a different world. Woody Allen

Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest. Woody Allen

I think Bergman's films have eternal relevance, because they deal with the difficulty of personal relationships and lack of communication between people and religious aspirations and mortality, existential themes that will be relevant a thousand years from now. When many of the things that are successful and trendy today will have been long relegated to musty-looking antiques, his stuff will still be great. Woody Allen

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Woody Allen

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. Woody Allen

There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught. Woody Allen

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained. Woody Allen

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. Woody Allen

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. Woody Allen

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals. Woody Allen

I never have an alter ego in the movies. That's a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it's fun to write that. It gives them something to write. Woody Allen

My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. Woody Allen

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