Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life. Woody Allen
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Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen. Woody Allen
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I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. Woody Allen
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The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years. Woody Allen
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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! Woody Allen
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Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano. Woody Allen
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I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something. Woody Allen
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I was raised in a religious home. It was unreasonable enforced religion that turned me off it. It was a joyless, unpleasant, stupid, barbaric thing when I was a child and I've never gotten over that feeling. If you're talking about religion it's one thing; I don't hold Jewish religion with any more seriousness than I would any other. Woody Allen
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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. Woody Allen
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We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from - I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from. Woody Allen
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I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen
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What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do. Woody Allen
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No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you. Woody Allen
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She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down. Woody Allen
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That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing. Woody Allen
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I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you. Woody Allen
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I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want Woody Allen
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It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. Woody Allen
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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. Woody Allen
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Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please. Woody Allen
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[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day. Woody Allen
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I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot. Woody Allen
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No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck. Woody Allen
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Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Woody Allen
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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen
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Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed. Woody Allen
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I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates. Woody Allen
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This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole? Woody Allen
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Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it. Woody Allen
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My experience creatively is different than my experience in life, for, as my father would say, the simple reason that you can't get hurt when everything goes wrong creatively. Woody Allen
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I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you. Woody Allen
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I can live in Paris for four months or London or, you know, Barcelona. These are places that are like New York. But I don't think I could live in many places. When I had to make a film in the United States I picked San Francisco because to me it's one of the great cities of America. Woody Allen
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I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't want to give me money to make films, that will stop me. But as long as people come all over the world and I have an audience and I have ideas for films, I will do them for as long as I enjoy the process. And I like the whole process of making a film. Woody Allen
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Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad. Woody Allen
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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. Woody Allen
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Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. Woody Allen
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
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Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen
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I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
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Photons have mass? I did' even know they were Catholic. Woody Allen
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A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. Woody Allen
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In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. Woody Allen
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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. Woody Allen
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! Woody Allen
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. . . they confuse everything I do with my life. Woody Allen
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I'm awash in self-contempt! Woody Allen
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People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I've had the opposite feeling - that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer. Woody Allen
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Many people who get a lot of money are willing to work with me for no money. This is true. Woody Allen
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Writing is great because you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing. When I write the film is always a masterpiece at that point. I write and I make up things and budgets don't mean anything and it's great. Woody Allen
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Let's say there was no terrorism whatsoever and we were all very nice to one another and we were all kind, we still would be faced with an extremely cruel and hostile universe and existence and so I'm a great pessimist and I feel that it's impossible really to be happy, and that the best you can hope for is to be distracted. Woody Allen
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I've never felt Truth was Beauty. Never. I've always felt that people can't take too much reality. I like being in Ingmar Bergman's world. Or in Louis Armstrong's world. Or in the world of the New York Knicks. Because it's not this world. You spend your whole life searching for a way out. You just get an overdose of reality, you know, and it's a terrible thing. I'm always fighting against reality. Woody Allen
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This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't. Woody Allen
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In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm. Woody Allen
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Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind. Woody Allen
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I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen
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There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure. Woody Allen
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You're a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent. Woody Allen
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Humorists always sit at the children's table. Woody Allen
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I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. Woody Allen
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The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off. Woody Allen
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If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting Woody Allen
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The process of making films is so technically demanding that it's a distraction. You don't spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing. Woody Allen
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People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it. Woody Allen
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I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I feel more comfortable with it. Woody Allen
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I don't believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don't want to win anything or lose anything. Woody Allen
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I'm really impotent against the overwhelming bleakness of the universe and the only thing I can do is my little gift [filmmaking] and do it the best I can, which is cold comfort. Woody Allen
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Everybody knows how awful the world is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things, others with sports, money, love, art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way. Woody Allen
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That's the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way - going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it's the truth about the world. Woody Allen
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My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life. Woody Allen
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Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind. Woody Allen
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