Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. Woody Allen
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One man starving puts a crimp in my evening. Woody Allen
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The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts. Woody Allen
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How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? Woody Allen
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How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works. Woody Allen
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The man who said 'I'd rather be lucky than good' saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It's scary to think so much is out of one's control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn't and you lose. Woody Allen
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Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning. Woody Allen
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In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee. Woody Allen
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Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body. Woody Allen
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I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles. Woody Allen
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Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name Woody Allen
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down. Woody Allen
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I like filming in New York a lot myself, but London is accommodating to me; the weather's very good there and the conditions for shooting and the financial conditions, the artistic conditions are good, so it's a pleasant place to shoot. Woody Allen
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I never start editing a film until it's completely shot; I don't edit along the way, ever. When it's finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we're finished. Woody Allen
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Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen
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I'm going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It - with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. Woody Allen
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Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym. Woody Allen
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This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole? Woody Allen
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The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. Woody Allen
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen
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I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep. Woody Allen
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I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot. Woody Allen
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Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Woody Allen
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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen
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No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck. Woody Allen
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I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him. Woody Allen
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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. Woody Allen
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Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please. Woody Allen
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[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day. Woody Allen
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Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed. Woody Allen
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I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business. Woody Allen
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Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either. Woody Allen
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What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop? Woody Allen
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Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it. Woody Allen
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My experience creatively is different than my experience in life, for, as my father would say, the simple reason that you can't get hurt when everything goes wrong creatively. Woody Allen
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I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you. Woody Allen
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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen
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People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me-it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one. Woody Allen
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I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you. Woody Allen
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God, you Jews are truly exotic." Exotic? She should only know the Greenblatts. Or Mr. and Mrs. Milton Sharpstein, my father's friends. Or for that matter, my cousin Tovah. Exotic? I mean, they're nice, but hardly exotic with their endless bickering over the best way to combat indigestion or how far back to sit from the television set. Woody Allen
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I never wanted to or expected to make a film outside of New York. New York became very, very expensive. The same $18 million spent in Barcelona or Rome goes much further there. Woody Allen
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The best an idea gets is when its in your head. Woody Allen
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Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired. Woody Allen
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I'm generally not a social dramatist or comedy writer. My interests have always been more in psychological stories or personal relations and comic ideas. Woody Allen
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There's a tacit agreement between myself and the audience that I will entertain them when they buy their ticket, and I've been the one that has screwed that up. Once in while I indulge myself and try something else, and I keep my fingers crossed that it will come out good and there'll be enough people who will enjoy it, but that doesn't often happen. Woody Allen
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In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. Woody Allen
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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. Woody Allen
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! Woody Allen
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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! Woody Allen
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Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano. Woody Allen
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I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something. Woody Allen
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I was raised in a religious home. It was unreasonable enforced religion that turned me off it. It was a joyless, unpleasant, stupid, barbaric thing when I was a child and I've never gotten over that feeling. If you're talking about religion it's one thing; I don't hold Jewish religion with any more seriousness than I would any other. Woody Allen
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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. Woody Allen
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We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from - I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from. Woody Allen
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I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen
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What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do. Woody Allen
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No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you. Woody Allen
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She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down. Woody Allen
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Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. Woody Allen
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
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Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen
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I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
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Photons have mass? I did' even know they were Catholic. Woody Allen
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A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. Woody Allen
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You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life. Woody Allen
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I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates. Woody Allen
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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. Woody Allen
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