Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee. Woody Allen
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Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body. Woody Allen
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I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles. Woody Allen
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Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name Woody Allen
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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen
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The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you. Woody Allen
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They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live. Woody Allen
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen
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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen
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In New York State they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery - and it's weird, because the Ten Commandments say 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But New York State says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was that my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have. Woody Allen
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Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions... Woody Allen
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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
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We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. Woody Allen
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen
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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen
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For me personally - because I do it myself - the scoring of a picture is fun. I edit the picture and when I've finished I go into my room and I have many many records - jazz, classical and popular music. And I have this all at my disposal. I don't have to get a composer. Woody Allen
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Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Woody Allen
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There is always the possibility that people will change. Real change is more rare. You are who you are at a certain age in life you are pretty much a variation of that your whole life. It?s conceivable that you will change but it's not likely. Woody Allen
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When a film is reviled, you open a film and people say "Oh, it's the stupidest thing, it's the worst movie." You think: oh, nobody's going to ever speak to you again. But, it doesn't happen. Nobody cares. You know, they read it and they say "Oh, they hated your film." You care, at the time. But they don't. Nobody else cares. Woody Allen
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I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves. Woody Allen
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And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. Woody Allen
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Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could not blink my eyes in unison." - "If The Impressionists Had Been Dentists Woody Allen
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I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present. Woody Allen
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When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch. Woody Allen
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The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup? Woody Allen
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Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? Woody Allen
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My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist. Woody Allen
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I don't mind dying... as long as I don't have to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. Woody Allen
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Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale? Woody Allen
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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security. Woody Allen
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Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete. Woody Allen
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After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex. Woody Allen
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I'm twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons. Woody Allen
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Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing. Woody Allen
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My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now. Woody Allen
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That's one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing's real, it just lives. All the attendant hoopla about it, the success over it or the critical rejection-none of that really matters. In the end, the thing will survive or not on its own merits. Not that immortality via art is any big deal. Truffaut died, and we all felt awful about it, and there were the appropriate eulogies, and his wonderful films live on. But it's not much help to Truffaut. Woody Allen
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Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen
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There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important. Woody Allen
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It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic. Woody Allen
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I like filming in New York a lot myself, but London is accommodating to me; the weather's very good there and the conditions for shooting and the financial conditions, the artistic conditions are good, so it's a pleasant place to shoot. Woody Allen
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I never start editing a film until it's completely shot; I don't edit along the way, ever. When it's finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we're finished. Woody Allen
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Magic has always been of a great interest of mine. I was an amateur magician when I was young. I used to practice and read up on it a lot. I'm well-aware of the history of magic. Woody Allen
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One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don't have to spend massive amounts of screen time. Woody Allen
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You make a film and always hope you're going make "Citizen Kane" or "The Bicycle Thief." You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn't, but it's out of your control completely. Woody Allen
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I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it. Woody Allen
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It's important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don't, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn't work either. Woody Allen
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You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting. Woody Allen
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I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it's the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children. Woody Allen
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I wouldn't necessarily want to be a big muscular guy. It's nice to be gorgeous whether you're male or female assuming you don't lose whatever else you have. Woody Allen
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If I could change the structure of existence I would do it. I could see a better way to live for everybody. Woody Allen
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There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution. Woody Allen
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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
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80 percent of success is showing up Woody Allen
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Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. Woody Allen
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. Woody Allen
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They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics! Woody Allen
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Countess: You are a great lover! Boris: I practice a lot when I'm alone. Woody Allen
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A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight. Woody Allen
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With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations. Woody Allen
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Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen
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He [the psychiatrist] said, well, do I think that sex is dirty and I said: 'It is if you're doing it right.' Woody Allen
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I don't want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. Woody Allen
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You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert. Woody Allen
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The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic. Woody Allen
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I recently turned 60 years old. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen
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When I was young, I wanted to be a dramatic writer, a writer of tragedy. Nothing would've pleased me more than if I could have written like Eugene O'Neil or Tennessee Williams. Woody Allen
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