Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee. Woody Allen
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Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body. Woody Allen
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I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles. Woody Allen
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Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name Woody Allen
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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen
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The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you. Woody Allen
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They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live. Woody Allen
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down. Woody Allen
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What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage. Woody Allen
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I foresee death by culture shock. Woody Allen
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Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could not blink my eyes in unison." - "If The Impressionists Had Been Dentists Woody Allen
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen
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Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Woody Allen
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There is always the possibility that people will change. Real change is more rare. You are who you are at a certain age in life you are pretty much a variation of that your whole life. It?s conceivable that you will change but it's not likely. Woody Allen
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When a film is reviled, you open a film and people say "Oh, it's the stupidest thing, it's the worst movie." You think: oh, nobody's going to ever speak to you again. But, it doesn't happen. Nobody cares. You know, they read it and they say "Oh, they hated your film." You care, at the time. But they don't. Nobody else cares. Woody Allen
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I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves. Woody Allen
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen
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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen
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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
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We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. Woody Allen
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen
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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen
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When I was young, I wanted to be a dramatic writer, a writer of tragedy. Nothing would've pleased me more than if I could have written like Eugene O'Neil or Tennessee Williams. Woody Allen
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The comedies are not a million laughs on the set. Its business and the dramas are business as well, really. When I'm writing it I struggle more with drama because I started out in comedy. Woody Allen
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I always felt that the problems of the world would never ever be solved until people came to terms with the deeper issues [spiritual] - that there would be an aimless reshuffling of world leaders and governments and programs. Woody Allen
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When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be. Woody Allen
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What' s the matter with me? Why can't I be cool? Woody Allen
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Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty. Woody Allen
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I, interestingly, had dated a woman in the Eisenhower Administration briefly, and it was ironic to me 'cause I was trying to do toher what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years. Woody Allen
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In New York State they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery - and it's weird, because the Ten Commandments say 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But New York State says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was that my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have. Woody Allen
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Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions... Woody Allen
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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib. Woody Allen
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I would not like to live in the past because you don't get anesthetic when you go to the dentist. You don't get antibiotics. You don't get the things that you are used to now, cell phones and televisions and things that are very convenient. You don't want that. But, it would be fun if you could, every now and then, just meet a friend for lunch at Maxim's in Paris in 1900, or go back to 1870 just for a couple of hours, take a walk in the park, and then come right back to Broadway. Woody Allen
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Real life is generally much duller and inevitably sadder, most of the time. In film, you control everything that's going on, so you can indulge the most fantastic, romantic, escapist feelings and fantasies. You can do anything you want. That's why it's very seductive and pleasurable to earn your living making movies because you're not living in the real world. Woody Allen
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I myself don't like to speak to the actors at all. I like to hire great people and let them do their thing. I don't like to speak to them. I don't like to have lunch with them. I don't like to socialize with them. I don't like to hear their ideas. Woody Allen
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The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don't want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it. Woody Allen
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Magic has always been of a great interest of mine. I was an amateur magician when I was young. I used to practice and read up on it a lot. I'm well-aware of the history of magic. Woody Allen
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One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don't have to spend massive amounts of screen time. Woody Allen
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You make a film and always hope you're going make "Citizen Kane" or "The Bicycle Thief." You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn't, but it's out of your control completely. Woody Allen
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I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it. Woody Allen
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It's important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don't, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn't work either. Woody Allen
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You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting. Woody Allen
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I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it's the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children. Woody Allen
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I wouldn't necessarily want to be a big muscular guy. It's nice to be gorgeous whether you're male or female assuming you don't lose whatever else you have. Woody Allen
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If I could change the structure of existence I would do it. I could see a better way to live for everybody. Woody Allen
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There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution. Woody Allen
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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
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80 percent of success is showing up Woody Allen
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Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. Woody Allen
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. Woody Allen
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They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics! Woody Allen
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Countess: You are a great lover! Boris: I practice a lot when I'm alone. Woody Allen
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A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight. Woody Allen
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With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations. Woody Allen
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Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen
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He [the psychiatrist] said, well, do I think that sex is dirty and I said: 'It is if you're doing it right.' Woody Allen
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I don't want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. Woody Allen
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You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert. Woody Allen
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The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic. Woody Allen
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I recently turned 60 years old. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen
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Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. Woody Allen
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When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch. Woody Allen
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The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup? Woody Allen
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Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? Woody Allen
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My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist. Woody Allen
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I don't mind dying... as long as I don't have to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. Woody Allen
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Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale? Woody Allen
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