Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan-I stroke. Woody Allen

It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count, it's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Woody Allen

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100. Woody Allen

I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. Woody Allen

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service. Woody Allen

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size. Woody Allen

Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world. Woody Allen

How could I not have known that there are little things the size of Planck length in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find. Woody Allen

I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum. Woody Allen

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it. Woody Allen

The only thing that does change, to some degree, is [that] you have some life experiences, you suffer a certain amount and you incorporate that into your work. Not in the content of your work, but in the sensibility of your work. It's nothing that you try and do; it just happens. And if you're lucky, people buy tickets to see it, and if you're not lucky, [then] they don't like it. But that's all. Woody Allen

I prefer the magic to reality, and have since I was 5 years old. Hopefully, I can continue to make films and constantly escape into them. Woody Allen

The artist can't give you an answer that's satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half. Woody Allen

Film is more of novelty, because I've done so much theater over many years. I'm in love with making movies. Also, I find it easier to remember three minutes of dialogue than three hours. Woody Allen

Throughout history in the theater and film people do like sarcastic characters, and they do like curmudgeons - if they're amusing, they do like them despite the fact that they're vitriolic, particularly if they're for the right thing. If you can see that the person is a decent person and is for the right thing, and is not just a nasty person with base motives, but someone who is a decent human but expresses himself. Woody Allen

You are always a comedian by default. You are this way because you've been forced to be this way, but it is better to be the hero. So if you can be a persona, the great one of my lifetime of course was and is Marlon Brando. Woody Allen

You are much more dependent on luck than you think. People say if you want to have a good relationship, you have to work at it. But you never hear it about anything you really like, about sailing or going to soccer games. Woody Allen

You can be with your wife, very happily married, and then you meet some woman and you love her. But you love your wife, too. And you also love that one. Or if she's met some man and she loves the man and she loves you. And then you meet somebody else and now there are three of you. Why only one person? Woody Allen

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen

For some reason it gives people pleasure to equate the life of certain movie actors or actresses with their actual lives. Woody Allen

Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw. Woody Allen

The audience is making the film and not the film-maker. Woody Allen

If I was to see any of my films now I would feel, oh god you know it's awful I could do that so much better now. Look at all the terrible things I did and all the mistakes and all the compromises and all the blunders I made, and it would be such a terrible experience for me to see them. So it's better that I put it out and move on to the next thing and make it history as quickly as possible. Woody Allen

I can levitate birds. No one cares. Woody Allen

I think if you have a comic perspective, almost anything that happens you tend to put through a comic filter. It's a way of coping in the short term, but has no long term effect and requires constant, endless renewal. Hence people talk of comics who are "always on." It's like constantly drugging your sensibility so you can get by with less pain. Woody Allen

I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again. Woody Allen

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants. Woody Allen

No, no, I'm a lowbrow. I read [Dostoevsky] more out of obligation than enjoyment. For enjoyment, for me, it's a beer and the football game. Woody Allen

The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could make half a billion on it. So they were not interested anymore in quality films.... They can't afford to be that risky at those prices. Consequently you're getting a lot of remakes, sequels, dopey comedies full of toilet jokes. Woody Allen

Hey listen - I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away. Woody Allen

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here. Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. Woody Allen

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. Woody Allen

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards. Woody Allen

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours. Woody Allen

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints. Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... Woody Allen

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier. Woody Allen

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio. Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that. Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. Woody Allen

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. Woody Allen

When I was young, I wanted to be a dramatic writer, a writer of tragedy. Nothing would've pleased me more than if I could have written like Eugene O'Neil or Tennessee Williams. Woody Allen

The comedies are not a million laughs on the set. Its business and the dramas are business as well, really. When I'm writing it I struggle more with drama because I started out in comedy. Woody Allen

I always felt that the problems of the world would never ever be solved until people came to terms with the deeper issues [spiritual] - that there would be an aimless reshuffling of world leaders and governments and programs. Woody Allen

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be. Woody Allen

What' s the matter with me? Why can't I be cool? Woody Allen

Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty. Woody Allen

I, interestingly, had dated a woman in the Eisenhower Administration briefly, and it was ironic to me 'cause I was trying to do toher what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years. Woody Allen

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage. Woody Allen

I foresee death by culture shock. Woody Allen

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib. Woody Allen

I would not like to live in the past because you don't get anesthetic when you go to the dentist. You don't get antibiotics. You don't get the things that you are used to now, cell phones and televisions and things that are very convenient. You don't want that. But, it would be fun if you could, every now and then, just meet a friend for lunch at Maxim's in Paris in 1900, or go back to 1870 just for a couple of hours, take a walk in the park, and then come right back to Broadway. Woody Allen

Real life is generally much duller and inevitably sadder, most of the time. In film, you control everything that's going on, so you can indulge the most fantastic, romantic, escapist feelings and fantasies. You can do anything you want. That's why it's very seductive and pleasurable to earn your living making movies because you're not living in the real world. Woody Allen

I myself don't like to speak to the actors at all. I like to hire great people and let them do their thing. I don't like to speak to them. I don't like to have lunch with them. I don't like to socialize with them. I don't like to hear their ideas. Woody Allen

The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don't want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it. Woody Allen

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