Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats. Woody Allen
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Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday Woody Allen
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I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know. Woody Allen
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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. Woody Allen
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I never ever see a film of mine after I release it to the public. I see it when I shoot it in my dailies and while I'm editing it, re-editing it and reshooting it and all that. By the time it's finished I never want to see it again. Woody Allen
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I can do a limited amount of things and that's what I do and I feel comfortable doing it and I have no particular desire to do anything else as an actor. Woody Allen
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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. Woody Allen
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See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them. Woody Allen
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The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other. Woody Allen
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There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time. Woody Allen
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You can't ride two horses with one behind. Woody Allen
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What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife. Woody Allen
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I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's. Woody Allen
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The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. Woody Allen
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Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls. Woody Allen
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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot Woody Allen
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In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald. Woody Allen
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We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit! Woody Allen
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Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him. Woody Allen
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Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully. Woody Allen
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Paranoia is knowing all the facts. Woody Allen
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You use sex to express every emotion except love. Woody Allen
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Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to. Woody Allen
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Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more. Woody Allen
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I don't like theatrical actors and actresses. I like people that talk like real human beings. Woody Allen
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Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do. Woody Allen
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I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. Woody Allen
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I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening. Woody Allen
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The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. Woody Allen
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My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks. Woody Allen
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Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. Woody Allen
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Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses. Woody Allen
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If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right. Woody Allen
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I don't know enough to be incompetent. Woody Allen
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There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith. Woody Allen
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People are always talking about the dumbing down of the country. Woody Allen
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You can learn technological things, you can learn about specific things, but the real problems that people deal with in any subject, existential subjects or romantic subjects, you never learn anything. So you make a fool of yourself when you're 20, you make a fool of yourself at 40, at 60 at 80. The ancient Greeks were dealing with these problems. They screwed up all the time. People do now. Woody Allen
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When you make the film, it's like a chef who works on the meal. After you're working all day in the kitchen and dicing and cutting and putting the sauces on, you don't want to eat it. That's how I always feel about the films. I work on it for a year. I've written it, I've worked with the actors, I've edited, put the music in. I just never want to see it again. Woody Allen
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I'm in show business. I'm not like a poor factory worker who'd been laid off. Woody Allen
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If the [actors] are working, and I have a dinner engagement, I don't do 20 takes. I do five takes and go home. I want to go to dinner. Woody Allen
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? Woody Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. Woody Allen
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. Woody Allen
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I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, "Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed." Woody Allen
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I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No. Woody Allen
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It's hard for me to know. I'll think, 'I really brought off my ideas, it's great,' and no one sparks to it Woody Allen
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Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen
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If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It's fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it's economically helpful. Woody Allen
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The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst thing you could say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. Woody Allen
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In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time. Woody Allen
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How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not 'the thing with feathers.' The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich. Woody Allen
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Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively... But it was' just intellectual experiences. They were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could "relate without getting close." For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack. Woody Allen
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Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak. Woody Allen
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What is it about death that bothers me? Probably the hours. Woody Allen
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Your audience teaches you how to be funny. Woody Allen
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When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it. Woody Allen
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Over the years I've never written or made movies about political themes 'cause while they do have current critical importance, in the large, large scheme of things, only the big questions matter and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing. Woody Allen
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Visually I've always liked the 20s 30s for film. I do these because I like the music. I like the clothes. I like the way the women and the guys look. There are soldiers and sailors and gangsters with the machine guns in their violin cases. It's a very colorful era of New York, full of great theater and great nightclubs and great jazz. Woody Allen
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The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you. Woody Allen
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Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it. Woody Allen
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Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship? Woody Allen
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Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish. Woody Allen
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Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder. Woody Allen
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To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife. Woody Allen
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And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up. Woody Allen
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I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes. Woody Allen
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When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him? Woody Allen
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When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject. Woody Allen
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