Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946

The best things in life are censored. Woody Allen

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Woody Allen

My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one Woody Allen

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me. Woody Allen

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders. Woody Allen

Once the movie's over, there's not much point. When the thing is edited, mixed, and color-corrected, and you've finished it... In my case, I never read anything about it, I never think about it. Woody Allen

I was a smart kid and I was not understood by my parents. Woody Allen

There's nothing good about getting older-absolutely nothing-because the amount of wisdom and experience you gain is negligible compared to what you lose. You do gain a couple of things-you gain a little bittersweet and sour wisdom from your heartbreaks and failures and things-but what you lose is so catastrophic in every way. Woody Allen

Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling. Woody Allen

Let's say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare's plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do? Woody Allen

Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health. Woody Allen

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it. Woody Allen

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. Woody Allen

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge. Woody Allen

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal. Woody Allen

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. Woody Allen

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen

My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad. Woody Allen

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college, Woody Allen

Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete. Woody Allen

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly. Woody Allen

With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything. Woody Allen

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy. Woody Allen

God is either cruel or incompetent. Woody Allen

When I'm not working, I think and I think when I get depressed. Woody Allen

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses? Woody Allen

I'm a teleological, existential agnostic. Woody Allen

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe. Woody Allen

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed. Woody Allen

It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography. Woody Allen

90 per cent of success is turning up. Woody Allen

As an artist, you are always striving toward an ultimate achievement but never seem to reach it. You shoot a film, and the result could have always been better. You try again, and fail once more. In some ways I find it enjoyable. You never lose sight of your goal. I do' do my job to make money or to break box office records, I simply try things out. What would happen if I were to achieve perfection at some point? What would I do then? Woody Allen

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn't win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is. Woody Allen

I don't get depressed; I grow a tumor instead. Woody Allen

Sex on Twitter can't hurt you - unless you fall off. Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. Woody Allen

I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. Woody Allen

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses. Woody Allen

Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me? Woody Allen

...years of insanity have made this guy crazy! Woody Allen

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example. Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence. Woody Allen

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it. Woody Allen

I'm not a drinker - my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. Woody Allen

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself. Woody Allen

I could turn on my radio in the morning when I was getting dressed for school and hear Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington and Benny Goodman and think this is the music. Now that music is art. Ellington is art. At that time it was just what you heard on the radio. Cole Porter was just a guy who wrote pretty songs and Billie Holliday would sing them. Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen

The content dictates the style all the time. That's the way it is. If the content of the film is highly jagged, neurotic, fast-paced, it just called for that kind of shooting, editing and performance. Woody Allen

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser! Woody Allen

This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn't gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it's a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself. Woody Allen

I think that the tendency for most people is to fall back on a comic interpretation of things because things are so sad, so terrible. If you didn't laugh you'd kill yourself. But the truth of the matter is that existence in general is very very tragic, very very sad, very brutal and very unhappy. Woody Allen

[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent. Woody Allen

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter. Woody Allen

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer. Woody Allen

In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote, 'My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs. Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'. Woody Allen

Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action. Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past. Woody Allen

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. Woody Allen

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. Woody Allen

The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought. Woody Allen

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