Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you. Woody Allen

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. Woody Allen

In the event of war, I'm a hostage. Woody Allen

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life. Woody Allen

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst. Woody Allen

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up. Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite. Woody Allen

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo. Woody Allen

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes. Woody Allen

90% of success in life is showing up Woody Allen

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan - I stroke! Woody Allen

Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards. Woody Allen

Sex relieves tension - love causes it. Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife-a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. Woody Allen

Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it, All I can do is wait for it, Woody Allen

Regarding love... what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Woody Allen

Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience! Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best! Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen

I'm not a big believer in the sense of Jews having a monopoly on comedy. Woody Allen

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. Woody Allen

Sometimes the critics will like a film, and the public doesn't come. Sometimes the critics won't like the film, and the public will come. It's completely spontaneous. It's a hazard. Woody Allen

In certain areas I don't function well and in other areas I function very well. I'm very good professionally. I have good discipline, I'm able to write every day and do films and not go six times over the budget. I mean I'm a coherent person, but I also don't like to go through tunnels when I travel. I'm claustrophobic. Woody Allen

I have a number of symptoms that are neurotic and are constricting in the sense that if I had a brilliant idea for a film that had to be shot in Tulsa, OK I would tear it up and throw it away. Anything outside of New York, 'cause I can't exist in a hotel outside of my own home, I have to be in my own home and my own environment. This is a neurotic symptom that is constricting to my work even. Woody Allen

If you pursue the other woman, it's a losing situation and it's not good for your relationship or your marriage. If your marriage is open and you're allowed to, that's no good either. There's no way, really in the end, to be happy unless you get very lucky. Woody Allen

No one ever wants the whole script. I give the whole script to people who require the whole script but to those people who don't require the whole script I don't give it to them and no one cares. They're relieved not to have to read extra pages that they're not in. Woody Allen

I'll work by myself for years and then I'll think it'll be fun to et one of my friends like Marshall Brickman or Doug McGrath into a room and not be alone for the writing of the thing; to have the pleasure of taking walks and get lunch together; its sort of a fun process and then I do it and then I get back on my own for a while until I feel the need to do it again. Woody Allen

In 1940 I was just turning 5 years old and being taken to the movies. For those of us who were not old enough to understand the horror of war it was a very romantic era because these guys were kissing their wives and girlfriends goodbye and going off to fight and become heroes. Woody Allen

The Jewish culture - people that are Jewish have a certain cultural habit that they've formed and one of those habits is an appreciation of theater and music - these are cultural things one does associate with values that are promulgated by Jewish families. I think that's a good thing. Woody Allen

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is. Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. Woody Allen

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. Woody Allen

History is the same thing over and over again. Woody Allen

With films, I just scribble a couple of notes for a scene. You don't have to do any writing at all, you just have your notes for the scene, which are written with the actors and the camera in mind. The actual script is a necessity for casting and budgeting, but the end product often doesn't bear much resemblance to the script-at least in my case. Woody Allen

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen

I've been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom. Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen

End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it. Penelope and Javier anxious to work with me again. Said if I ever come up with another screenplay to try and find them. Goodbye drink with Rebecca. Sentimental moment. Everyone in cast and crew chipped in and bought me a ballpoint pen. Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. Woody Allen

I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one. Woody Allen

I can't minimize the terror factor. As you get older you get more and more frightened because the terrible indignities of old age become closer to you. Woody Allen

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out. Woody Allen

Death is an acquired trait. Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich. Woody Allen

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings. Woody Allen

Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean they arent out to get you Woody Allen

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that. Woody Allen

I see the glass half full...but of poison. Woody Allen

I see no advantages in aging whatsoever. You become shriveled. You become decrepit. You lose your faculties. Your peer group passes away. You sit in a room gumming your porridge. I don't see any advantage in this whatsoever. Woody Allen

All over the world, relationships between men and women are very, very tricky and very difficult and you don't learn anything. It's not an exact science, so you can't learn anything. You're always going by instinct and your instinct betrays you because you want what you want when you want it. Woody Allen

If I just got up in the morning and had no place to go and was retired or something, I would sit there and I would be thinking, "Gee, what is the purpose of life? Why are we all finite? Why do we get old and die? Is there nothing out there? Why is it so tragic? Why do our loved ones perish? Why do we generate?" So who wants to think about that stuff? Woody Allen

When you work from city to city or country to country, you work the same way; the working method is the same. Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen

I hope you're getting this down. Woody Allen

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. Woody Allen

If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you're showing up for. Woody Allen

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics. Woody Allen

If you aren't failing, you aren't trying. Woody Allen

I don't own a computer. I've never seen anything online at all - nothing. I don't own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It's not an act of rebellion. I'm just not a gadget person. Woody Allen

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