Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946

The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life. Woody Allen

I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player. Woody Allen

Jazz is a big thing with me. It's a very big passion of mine, to play it. I'm an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I've loved it so much. Woody Allen

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director. Woody Allen

I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them. Woody Allen

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone. Woody Allen

If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It's not like homework. You don't have to work at the relationship. Woody Allen

Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don't really know what's going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody. Woody Allen

There is an advantage in having a routine and working with the same people when you can and in writing as a regular thing and filming as a regular thing. That routine pays off for you. You get a lot of productivity that way, rather than sitting around waiting for inspiration and waiting for the perfect thing to happen. I would be much less productive that way. Woody Allen

Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso. Woody Allen

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why do' you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they"re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen

Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life. Woody Allen

My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately? Woody Allen

Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird. Woody Allen

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. Woody Allen

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses. Woody Allen

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life. Woody Allen

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win. Woody Allen

I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth. Woody Allen

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life. Woody Allen

The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned. Woody Allen

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have? Woody Allen

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it! Woody Allen

Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body. Woody Allen

But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking. Woody Allen

Those who can't do, teach! Woody Allen

I wouldn't mind dying so much if it wasn't that I would be dead at the end of it. Woody Allen

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one. Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no. Woody Allen

That's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. Woody Allen

The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you,' but 'It's benign. Woody Allen

My brain: it's my second favorite organ. Woody Allen

I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers. Woody Allen

Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm. Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win! Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. Woody Allen

Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant. Woody Allen

You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children. Woody Allen

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on? Woody Allen

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. Woody Allen

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen

Twenty-one years ago, when I first heard Mia Farrow had accused me of child molestation, I found the idea so ludicrous I didn't give it a second thought. We were involved in a terribly acrimonious breakup, with great enmity between us and a custody battle slowly gathering energy. The self-serving transparency of her malevolence seemed so obvious I didn't even hire a lawyer to defend myself. It was my show business attorney who told me she was bringing the accusation to the police and I would need a criminal lawyer. Woody Allen

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as...the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen

The wicked at heart probably know something. Woody Allen

Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. Woody Allen

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end. Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Woody Allen

I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school. Woody Allen

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. Woody Allen

I've often felt that life is a hard deal and it's unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight. Woody Allen

My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over the years, that's what I've done. Woody Allen

When I naturally write a story and I feel that the guy (is) sitting across the table from the girl and flirting with her... I think, 'God, that can't be me' because I'm just too old for that part. You need a 30-year-old or a 35-year-old for that part. And so I've given myself less and less roles. Woody Allen

I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying. Woody Allen

It has become harder and harder in the United States to make films unhampered by outside influences. I've always been able to steer clear of that and keep the business people out of my hair completely. Woody Allen

I always feel the cynicism is reality with maybe an alternate spelling or something because I feel that I have real perspective on this particular issue of punishment in society. Woody Allen

It seems to me that making escapist films might be a better service to people than making intellectual ones and making films that deal with issues. It might be better to just make escapist comedies that don't touch on any issues. The people just get a cool lemonade, and then they go out refreshed, they enjoy themselves, they forget how awful things are and it helps them - it strengthens them to get through the day. Woody Allen

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal. Woody Allen

But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics! Woody Allen

When I started out, I was a television writer, and we wrote a television show that was on live every week. And you didn't have the luxury of coming in and waiting to be inspired. You came in and you had to write. And you wrote, because it was going to be live on the air. So I can do that. Woody Allen

I've had a very productive life. I've worked very hard, I've never fallen prey to depression. I'm not sure I could have done all of that without being in psychoanalysis. Woody Allen

There are drawbacks in being famous too, but you can live with those. They're not life-threatening. If the paparazzi are outside your restaurant or your house - and actors make such a big thing of it and scurry into cars and drape things - you think they're going to be crucified or something. It's not a big deal. You can get used to that. It's not so terrible. Woody Allen

Retirement is a very subjective thing. There are guys I know who retire and they're very happy and they never miss work at all. I can't see myself retiring and fondling a dog every day. I like to get up and work and go out. I have too much energy or too much nervous anxiety or something. So I don't see myself retiring. Maybe I will suddenly get a stroke or a heart attack and I will be forced to retire, but if my health holds out I don't expect to retire. Woody Allen

[Stanley] Kubrick was a great artist and a perfectionist. He always wanted the exact right thing. He did a million takes. Everything had to be perfect. I'm an imperfectionist. I don't really care that much about the work. I write quickly. I'm careless. I shoot carelessly. Woody Allen

American films, it's a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art. Woody Allen

I don't rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don't get much input. I don't know if that's helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone. Woody Allen

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