Woody Allen Quotes & Wallpapers

Woody Allen
Total Quotes: 946


I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone. Woody Allen
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The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life. Woody Allen
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We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses. Woody Allen
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My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately? Woody Allen
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Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird. Woody Allen
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen
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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen
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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen
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You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life. Woody Allen
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It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on? Woody Allen
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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. Woody Allen
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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? Woody Allen
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
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Twenty-one years ago, when I first heard Mia Farrow had accused me of child molestation, I found the idea so ludicrous I didn't give it a second thought. We were involved in a terribly acrimonious breakup, with great enmity between us and a custody battle slowly gathering energy. The self-serving transparency of her malevolence seemed so obvious I didn't even hire a lawyer to defend myself. It was my show business attorney who told me she was bringing the accusation to the police and I would need a criminal lawyer. Woody Allen
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Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as...the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. Woody Allen
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The wicked at heart probably know something. Woody Allen
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Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. Woody Allen
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Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end. Woody Allen
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But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking. Woody Allen
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Those who can't do, teach! Woody Allen
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I wouldn't mind dying so much if it wasn't that I would be dead at the end of it. Woody Allen
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I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth. Woody Allen
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I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life. Woody Allen
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The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned. Woody Allen
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Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have? Woody Allen
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Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it! Woody Allen
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Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body. Woody Allen
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This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why do' you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they"re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. Woody Allen
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I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen
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Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life. Woody Allen
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Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso. Woody Allen
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The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. Woody Allen
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Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant. Woody Allen
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You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children. Woody Allen
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My brain: it's my second favorite organ. Woody Allen
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I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers. Woody Allen
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Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm. Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win! Woody Allen
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A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no. Woody Allen
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That's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. Woody Allen
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The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you,' but 'It's benign. Woody Allen
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I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player. Woody Allen
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Jazz is a big thing with me. It's a very big passion of mine, to play it. I'm an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I've loved it so much. Woody Allen
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I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director. Woody Allen
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I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them. Woody Allen
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If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It's not like homework. You don't have to work at the relationship. Woody Allen
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Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don't really know what's going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody. Woody Allen
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There is an advantage in having a routine and working with the same people when you can and in writing as a regular thing and filming as a regular thing. That routine pays off for you. You get a lot of productivity that way, rather than sitting around waiting for inspiration and waiting for the perfect thing to happen. I would be much less productive that way. Woody Allen
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You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win. Woody Allen
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The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. Woody Allen
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Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one. Woody Allen
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Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal. Woody Allen
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But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics! Woody Allen
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Your still searching for me in every woman. You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it. Woody Allen
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Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know? Woody Allen
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All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. Woody Allen
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I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Woody Allen
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I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school. Woody Allen
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I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. Woody Allen
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Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. Woody Allen
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Me and nature are two. Woody Allen
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If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check. Woody Allen
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People think I'm an artist because my films lose money. Woody Allen
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The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass. Woody Allen
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More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be misinterpreted as pessimism. It is not. It is merely a healthy concern for the predicament of modern man. Woody Allen
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To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful. Woody Allen
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I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die. Woody Allen
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I love baseball. You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. It's just very beautiful to watch. Woody Allen
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What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously - but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself. Woody Allen
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I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. Woody Allen
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