W C Fields Quotes & Wallpapers

W C Fields
Total Quotes: 267


It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. W C Fields
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia W C Fields
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. W C Fields
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. W C Fields
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I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. W C Fields
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. 'I'm looking for a loop-hole,' he explained. W C Fields
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers. W C Fields
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It is funnier to bend things than to break them. W C Fields
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw. W C Fields
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I'm searching for loopholes. W C Fields
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. W C Fields
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Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people. W C Fields
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I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. W C Fields
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Yeah, and you're crazy. I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy the rest of your life. W C Fields
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[Of Charlie Chaplin:] The son of a bitch is a ballet dancer.... He's the best ballet dancer that ever lived... and if I get a good chance I'll kill him with my bare hands. W C Fields
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. W C Fields
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside. W C Fields
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it. W C Fields
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it. W C Fields
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise. W C Fields
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. W C Fields
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. W C Fields
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. W C Fields
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I must have a drink of breakfast. W C Fields
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I never met a kid I liked. W C Fields
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W C Fields
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. W C Fields
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W C Fields
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The best thing to break is a contract. W C Fields
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. W C Fields
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with. W C Fields
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself. W C Fields
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons. W C Fields
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. W C Fields
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. W C Fields
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The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. W C Fields
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. W C Fields
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. W C Fields
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. W C Fields
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Remember, a dead fish can float down stream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. W C Fields
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him! W C Fields
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I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two. W C Fields
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Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt! W C Fields
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. W C Fields
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You must come down with me after the show to the lumber yard and ride piggy-back on the buzz saws. W C Fields
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. W C Fields
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. W C Fields
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. W C Fields
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. W C Fields
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. W C Fields
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. W C Fields
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. W C Fields
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. W C Fields
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. W C Fields
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. W C Fields
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. W C Fields
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. W C Fields
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe. W C Fields
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. W C Fields
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. W C Fields
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. W C Fields
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. W C Fields
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I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature. W C Fields
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew. W C Fields
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians. W C Fields
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I'm looking for loopholes. W C Fields
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner. W C Fields
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. W C Fields
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world. W C Fields
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I can do anything I want to do! W C Fields
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