Steven Wright Quotes & Wallpapers

Steven Wright
Total Quotes: 596

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. Steven Wright

Do fish get cramps after eating? Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. Steven Wright

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. Steven Wright

Why does' the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. Steven Wright

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em Steven Wright

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. Steven Wright

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger. Steven Wright

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Steven Wright

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Steven Wright

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. Steven Wright

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Steven Wright

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Steven Wright

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. Steven Wright

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. Steven Wright

Half the people you know are below average. Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." Steven Wright

Whatever happened to preparations A through G? Steven Wright

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings when they"re already finished? Should' they be called builts? Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. Steven Wright

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Steven Wright

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they"d never expect it. Steven Wright

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". Steven Wright

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. Steven Wright

I'm not afraid of heights, just widths. Steven Wright

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller. Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out' Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Steven Wright

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Steven Wright

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Steven Wright

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time. Steven Wright

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Steven Wright

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him. Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I"ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't? Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Steven Wright

Is it possible to be totally partial? Steven Wright

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