Steven Wright Quotes & Wallpapers

Steven Wright
Total Quotes: 596


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright
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If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. Steven Wright
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I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright
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Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. Steven Wright
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em Steven Wright
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. Steven Wright
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I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating? Steven Wright
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Steven Wright
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I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. Steven Wright
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I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. Steven Wright
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Why does' the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger. Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Steven Wright
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Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? Steven Wright
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Steven Wright
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". Steven Wright
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright
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I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Steven Wright
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Is it possible to be totally partial? Steven Wright
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Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. Steven Wright
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I'm not afraid of heights, just widths. Steven Wright
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I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller. Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. Steven Wright
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I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright
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I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. Steven Wright
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I invented the cordless extension cord. Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steven Wright
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out' Steven Wright
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It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. Steven Wright
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Steven Wright
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Steven Wright
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time. Steven Wright
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him. Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Steven Wright
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this. Steven Wright
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. Steven Wright
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Half the people you know are below average. Steven Wright
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Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." Steven Wright
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G? Steven Wright
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