Steven Wright Quotes & Wallpapers

Steven Wright
Total Quotes: 596


What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright
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If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. Steven Wright
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I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright
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Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger. Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Steven Wright
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Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? Steven Wright
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Steven Wright
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Steven Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Steven Wright
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I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. Steven Wright
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Why does' the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. Steven Wright
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em Steven Wright
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. Steven Wright
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I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating? Steven Wright
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Steven Wright
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I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. Steven Wright
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I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright
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I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. Steven Wright
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I invented the cordless extension cord. Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steven Wright
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright
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I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Steven Wright
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Is it possible to be totally partial? Steven Wright
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Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over... Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing. Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one - it wasn't doing what I was doing. Steven Wright
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If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Steven Wright
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I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman. Steven Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. Steven Wright
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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think? Steven Wright
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Steven Wright
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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they"re already finished? Should' they be called builts? Steven Wright
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I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. Steven Wright
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Steven Wright
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they"d never expect it. Steven Wright
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I'm not afraid of heights, just widths. Steven Wright
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I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller. Steven Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I"ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright
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Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't? Steven Wright
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out' Steven Wright
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It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright
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