Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. Rodney Dangerfield

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. Rodney Dangerfield

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met! Rodney Dangerfield

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. Rodney Dangerfield

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again. Rodney Dangerfield

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe. Rodney Dangerfield

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. Rodney Dangerfield

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out. Rodney Dangerfield

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry? Rodney Dangerfield

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is a camouflage for depression. Rodney Dangerfield

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys. Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." Rodney Dangerfield

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! Rodney Dangerfield

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies. Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield

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