Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch. Rodney Dangerfield
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. Rodney Dangerfield
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. Rodney Dangerfield
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. Rodney Dangerfield
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. Rodney Dangerfield
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Rodney Dangerfield
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Rodney Dangerfield
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out. Rodney Dangerfield
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry? Rodney Dangerfield
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. Rodney Dangerfield
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression. Rodney Dangerfield
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I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? Rodney Dangerfield
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys. Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met! Rodney Dangerfield
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." Rodney Dangerfield
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. Rodney Dangerfield
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! Rodney Dangerfield
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. Rodney Dangerfield
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. Rodney Dangerfield
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. Rodney Dangerfield
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe. Rodney Dangerfield
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. Rodney Dangerfield
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