Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' Rodney Dangerfield
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide. Rodney Dangerfield
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another. Rodney Dangerfield
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. Rodney Dangerfield
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. Rodney Dangerfield
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. Rodney Dangerfield
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" Rodney Dangerfield
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was nothing goes right. Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out. Rodney Dangerfield
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again. Rodney Dangerfield
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. Rodney Dangerfield
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it. Rodney Dangerfield
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my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. Rodney Dangerfield
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. Rodney Dangerfield
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it. Rodney Dangerfield
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If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant. Rodney Dangerfield
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Rodney Dangerfield
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. Rodney Dangerfield
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch. Rodney Dangerfield
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Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died. Rodney Dangerfield
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. Rodney Dangerfield
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. Rodney Dangerfield
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake. Rodney Dangerfield
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. Rodney Dangerfield
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. Rodney Dangerfield
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