Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it. Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! Rodney Dangerfield

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens Rodney Dangerfield

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving. Rodney Dangerfield

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. Rodney Dangerfield

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. Rodney Dangerfield

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. Rodney Dangerfield

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out. Rodney Dangerfield

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again. Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel. Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was nothing goes right. Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." Rodney Dangerfield

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Rodney Dangerfield

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

Life's a short trip. You'll find out. Rodney Dangerfield

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. Rodney Dangerfield

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant. Rodney Dangerfield

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. Rodney Dangerfield

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. Rodney Dangerfield

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died. Rodney Dangerfield

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. Rodney Dangerfield

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake. Rodney Dangerfield

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. Rodney Dangerfield

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man. Rodney Dangerfield

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. Rodney Dangerfield

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave. Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower. Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield



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