Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. Rodney Dangerfield
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. Rodney Dangerfield
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. Rodney Dangerfield
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You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. Rodney Dangerfield
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I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. Rodney Dangerfield
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One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. Rodney Dangerfield
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me. Rodney Dangerfield
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred. Rodney Dangerfield
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. Rodney Dangerfield
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size). Rodney Dangerfield
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up. Rodney Dangerfield
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Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone. Rodney Dangerfield
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon . Rodney Dangerfield
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a fight last night and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.' Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a fight the other day and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. Rodney Dangerfield
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." Rodney Dangerfield
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. Rodney Dangerfield
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Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid! Rodney Dangerfield
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. Rodney Dangerfield
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another. Rodney Dangerfield
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! Rodney Dangerfield
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My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles Rodney Dangerfield
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. Rodney Dangerfield
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. Rodney Dangerfield
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? Rodney Dangerfield
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. Rodney Dangerfield
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark... Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. Rodney Dangerfield
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. Rodney Dangerfield
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I have three kids, one of each. Rodney Dangerfield
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.' Rodney Dangerfield
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I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. Rodney Dangerfield
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' Rodney Dangerfield
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. Rodney Dangerfield
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My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. Rodney Dangerfield
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If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' Rodney Dangerfield
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