Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up. Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. Rodney Dangerfield

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. Rodney Dangerfield

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. Rodney Dangerfield

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. Rodney Dangerfield

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. Rodney Dangerfield

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. Rodney Dangerfield

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me. Rodney Dangerfield

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred. Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other. Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight last night and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other day and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. Rodney Dangerfield

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck. Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. Rodney Dangerfield

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide. Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. Rodney Dangerfield

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. Rodney Dangerfield

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service. Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. Rodney Dangerfield

I have three kids, one of each. Rodney Dangerfield

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.' Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' Rodney Dangerfield

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. Rodney Dangerfield

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid! Rodney Dangerfield

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage. Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. Rodney Dangerfield

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? Rodney Dangerfield

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. Rodney Dangerfield

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark... Rodney Dangerfield

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. Rodney Dangerfield

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. Rodney Dangerfield

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another. Rodney Dangerfield

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! Rodney Dangerfield

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield



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