Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act. Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. Rodney Dangerfield

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? Rodney Dangerfield

A hooker once told me she had a headache. Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! Rodney Dangerfield

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Rodney Dangerfield

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. Rodney Dangerfield

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. Rodney Dangerfield

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store. Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect, no respect at all! Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. Rodney Dangerfield

Man, who don't like spaghetti? Rodney Dangerfield

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind. Rodney Dangerfield

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places. Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely. Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house! Rodney Dangerfield

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early". Rodney Dangerfield

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water. Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.' Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows. Rodney Dangerfield

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex. Rodney Dangerfield

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! Rodney Dangerfield

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind. Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. Rodney Dangerfield

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies. Rodney Dangerfield

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon . Rodney Dangerfield

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size). Rodney Dangerfield



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