Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. Rodney Dangerfield
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect! Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins! Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit Rodney Dangerfield
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! Rodney Dangerfield
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect Rodney Dangerfield
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. Rodney Dangerfield
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. Rodney Dangerfield
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no. Rodney Dangerfield
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch Rodney Dangerfield
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. Rodney Dangerfield
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all! Rodney Dangerfield
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. Rodney Dangerfield
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Man, who don't like spaghetti? Rodney Dangerfield
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind. Rodney Dangerfield
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. Rodney Dangerfield
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My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house! Rodney Dangerfield
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Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! Rodney Dangerfield
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early". Rodney Dangerfield
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. Rodney Dangerfield
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places. Rodney Dangerfield
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. Rodney Dangerfield
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. Rodney Dangerfield
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." Rodney Dangerfield
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? Rodney Dangerfield
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A hooker once told me she had a headache. Rodney Dangerfield
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I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! Rodney Dangerfield
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. Rodney Dangerfield
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Rodney Dangerfield
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon . Rodney Dangerfield
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. Rodney Dangerfield
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. Rodney Dangerfield
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