Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...' Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. Rodney Dangerfield
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know. Rodney Dangerfield
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. Rodney Dangerfield
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If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half! Rodney Dangerfield
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. Rodney Dangerfield
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I can't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife gives good headache. Rodney Dangerfield
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. Rodney Dangerfield
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. Rodney Dangerfield
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. Rodney Dangerfield
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I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"! Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. Rodney Dangerfield
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. Rodney Dangerfield
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". Rodney Dangerfield
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". Rodney Dangerfield
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There goes the neighborhood. Rodney Dangerfield
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In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. Rodney Dangerfield
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. Rodney Dangerfield
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer. Rodney Dangerfield
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night. Rodney Dangerfield
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I have good looking kids; thank god my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. Rodney Dangerfield
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. Rodney Dangerfield
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! Rodney Dangerfield
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! Rodney Dangerfield
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Rodney Dangerfield
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. Rodney Dangerfield
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. Rodney Dangerfield
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect! Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins! Rodney Dangerfield
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. Rodney Dangerfield
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