Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...' Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache. Rodney Dangerfield

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. Rodney Dangerfield

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. Rodney Dangerfield

I can't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids; thank god my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. Rodney Dangerfield

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. Rodney Dangerfield

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know. Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. Rodney Dangerfield

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half! Rodney Dangerfield

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. Rodney Dangerfield

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. Rodney Dangerfield

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall. Rodney Dangerfield

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer. Rodney Dangerfield

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night. Rodney Dangerfield

There goes the neighborhood. Rodney Dangerfield

In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up. Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"! Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". Rodney Dangerfield

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! Rodney Dangerfield

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday. Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. Rodney Dangerfield

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! Rodney Dangerfield

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. Rodney Dangerfield

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. Rodney Dangerfield

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece. Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. Rodney Dangerfield

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth. Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail. Rodney Dangerfield

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope! Rodney Dangerfield

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight. Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife had her drivers" test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins! Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect! Rodney Dangerfield

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