Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. Rodney Dangerfield

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. Rodney Dangerfield

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Rodney Dangerfield

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. Rodney Dangerfield

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. Rodney Dangerfield

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight. Rodney Dangerfield

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York. Rodney Dangerfield

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another. Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'. Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. Rodney Dangerfield

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield

People seldom live up to their baby pictures. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark Rodney Dangerfield

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back Rodney Dangerfield

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' Rodney Dangerfield

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. Rodney Dangerfield

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks. Rodney Dangerfield

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. Rodney Dangerfield

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. Rodney Dangerfield

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. Rodney Dangerfield

Hey, did somebody step on a duck? Rodney Dangerfield

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise. Rodney Dangerfield

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. Rodney Dangerfield

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. Rodney Dangerfield

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude. Rodney Dangerfield

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it. Rodney Dangerfield

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. Rodney Dangerfield

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. Rodney Dangerfield

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers. Rodney Dangerfield

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved. Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw. Rodney Dangerfield

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. Rodney Dangerfield

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. Rodney Dangerfield

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two. Rodney Dangerfield

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started! Rodney Dangerfield

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child... for birth control! Rodney Dangerfield

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." Rodney Dangerfield

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. Rodney Dangerfield

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. Rodney Dangerfield

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. Rodney Dangerfield



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