Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Wallpapers

Rodney Dangerfield
Total Quotes: 393


My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. Rodney Dangerfield
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Rodney Dangerfield
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. Rodney Dangerfield
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Rodney Dangerfield
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. Rodney Dangerfield
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. Rodney Dangerfield
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide. Rodney Dangerfield
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. Rodney Dangerfield
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight. Rodney Dangerfield
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York. Rodney Dangerfield
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another. Rodney Dangerfield
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'. Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. Rodney Dangerfield
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. Rodney Dangerfield
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. Rodney Dangerfield
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. Rodney Dangerfield
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. Rodney Dangerfield
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck? Rodney Dangerfield
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures. Rodney Dangerfield
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' Rodney Dangerfield
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It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. Rodney Dangerfield
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. Rodney Dangerfield
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. Rodney Dangerfield
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Life is just a bowl of pits. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started! Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! Rodney Dangerfield
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I was a poster child... for birth control! Rodney Dangerfield
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." Rodney Dangerfield
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. Rodney Dangerfield
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. Rodney Dangerfield
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise. Rodney Dangerfield
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. Rodney Dangerfield
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. Rodney Dangerfield
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude. Rodney Dangerfield
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it. Rodney Dangerfield
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Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. Rodney Dangerfield
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. Rodney Dangerfield
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers. Rodney Dangerfield
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved. Rodney Dangerfield
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good. Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw. Rodney Dangerfield
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. Rodney Dangerfield
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. Rodney Dangerfield
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two. Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark Rodney Dangerfield
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. Rodney Dangerfield
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