Phyllis Diller Quotes & Wallpapers

Phyllis Diller
Total Quotes: 225


get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one. Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. Phyllis Diller
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. Phyllis Diller
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. Phyllis Diller
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office. Phyllis Diller
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When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl. Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. Phyllis Diller
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea. Phyllis Diller
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I do' want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. Phyllis Diller
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Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
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They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought. Phyllis Diller
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. Phyllis Diller
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