Phyllis Diller Quotes & Wallpapers

Phyllis Diller
Total Quotes: 225

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited. Phyllis Diller

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator. Phyllis Diller

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car. Phyllis Diller

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. Phyllis Diller

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies. Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. Phyllis Diller

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move. Phyllis Diller

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother. Phyllis Diller

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. Phyllis Diller

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. Phyllis Diller

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed. Phyllis Diller

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards. Phyllis Diller

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. Phyllis Diller

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. Phyllis Diller

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78! Phyllis Diller

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. Phyllis Diller

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway. Phyllis Diller

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight. Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. Phyllis Diller

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in. Phyllis Diller

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! Phyllis Diller

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home. Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass. Phyllis Diller

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. Phyllis Diller

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." Phyllis Diller

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy. Phyllis Diller

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy! Phyllis Diller

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle Phyllis Diller

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. Phyllis Diller

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate. Phyllis Diller

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty. Phyllis Diller

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows. Phyllis Diller

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks. Phyllis Diller

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens. Phyllis Diller

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Phyllis Diller

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. Phyllis Diller

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer. Phyllis Diller

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. Phyllis Diller

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money. Phyllis Diller

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it. Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. Phyllis Diller

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough. Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. Phyllis Diller

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. Phyllis Diller

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn. Phyllis Diller

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. Phyllis Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. Phyllis Diller

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one. Phyllis Diller

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. Phyllis Diller

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. Phyllis Diller

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. Phyllis Diller

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