Phyllis Diller Quotes & Wallpapers

Phyllis Diller
Total Quotes: 225

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. Phyllis Diller

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. Phyllis Diller

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like. Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade! Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. Phyllis Diller

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. Phyllis Diller

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. Phyllis Diller

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. Phyllis Diller

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . Phyllis Diller

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck. Phyllis Diller

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. Phyllis Diller

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid! Phyllis Diller

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. Phyllis Diller

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?' Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. Phyllis Diller

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip. Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. Phyllis Diller

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. Phyllis Diller

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it. Phyllis Diller

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. Phyllis Diller

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed! Phyllis Diller

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. Phyllis Diller

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. Phyllis Diller

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. Phyllis Diller

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war. Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. Phyllis Diller

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. Phyllis Diller

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan. Phyllis Diller

You want to look younger... rent smaller children. Phyllis Diller

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him. Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. Phyllis Diller

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. Phyllis Diller

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. Phyllis Diller

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing. Phyllis Diller

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. Phyllis Diller

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have. Phyllis Diller

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser. Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. Phyllis Diller

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players. Phyllis Diller

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'? Phyllis Diller

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt. Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!' Phyllis Diller

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. Phyllis Diller

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear. Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. Phyllis Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they"d boo. Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis Diller

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. Phyllis Diller

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