Phyllis Diller Quotes & Wallpapers

Phyllis Diller
Total Quotes: 223


The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. Phyllis Diller
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The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. Phyllis Diller
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. Phyllis Diller
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. Phyllis Diller
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I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. Phyllis Diller
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. Phyllis Diller
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I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. Phyllis Diller
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. Phyllis Diller
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena. Phyllis Diller
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. Phyllis Diller
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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. Phyllis Diller
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When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown. Phyllis Diller
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Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. Phyllis Diller
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. Phyllis Diller
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A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it. Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. Phyllis Diller
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. Phyllis Diller
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Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight. Phyllis Diller
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again-nothing. Phyllis Diller
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I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death. Phyllis Diller
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The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?. Phyllis Diller
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. Phyllis Diller
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Phyllis Diller
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Phyllis Diller
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There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Phyllis Diller
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. Phyllis Diller
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it. Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp? Phyllis Diller
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm. Phyllis Diller
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
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Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. Phyllis Diller
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. Phyllis Diller
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. Phyllis Diller
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus. Phyllis Diller
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Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. Phyllis Diller
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. Phyllis Diller
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I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. Phyllis Diller
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I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. Phyllis Diller
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book; or a friend who's read one. Phyllis Diller
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller
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My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. Phyllis Diller
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Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days. Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. Phyllis Diller
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers. Phyllis Diller
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. Phyllis Diller
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Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt. Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none. Phyllis Diller
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Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream - I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one. Phyllis Diller
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All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. Phyllis Diller
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. Phyllis Diller
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. Phyllis Diller
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