Phyllis Diller Quotes & Wallpapers

Phyllis Diller
Total Quotes: 225

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. Phyllis Diller

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. Phyllis Diller

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. Phyllis Diller

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. Phyllis Diller

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. Phyllis Diller

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. Phyllis Diller

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. Phyllis Diller

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. Phyllis Diller

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. Phyllis Diller

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. Phyllis Diller

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown. Phyllis Diller

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. Phyllis Diller

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. Phyllis Diller

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it. Phyllis Diller

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight. Phyllis Diller

A terrible thing happened to me last night again-nothing. Phyllis Diller

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death. Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller

My father used to call me the laughing hyena. Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?. Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. Phyllis Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. Phyllis Diller

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Phyllis Diller

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. Phyllis Diller

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. Phyllis Diller

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. Phyllis Diller

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. Phyllis Diller

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus. Phyllis Diller

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. Phyllis Diller

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. Phyllis Diller

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. Phyllis Diller

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." Phyllis Diller

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it. Phyllis Diller

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp? Phyllis Diller

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm. Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book; or a friend who's read one. Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days. Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. Phyllis Diller

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. Phyllis Diller

self-pity is better than none. Phyllis Diller

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream - I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one. Phyllis Diller

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. Phyllis Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. Phyllis Diller

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. Phyllis Diller

All mothers are working mothers. Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller

Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt. Phyllis Diller

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller

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