P. J. O'Rourke Quotes & Wallpapers

P. J. O'Rourke
Total Quotes: 735


The preamble to the Constitution states: "We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare..." It doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." And it certainly doesn't say "give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the reason they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV". P. J. O'Rourke

Most of us had never seen a sober redneck before, and we have the Reagan Landslide to testify that none of us ever wants to see one again. It was a horrifying apparition. And ever since Jimmy Carter, all of us rednecks have had to be very careful to be drunk rednecks lest we turn into some kind of awful creature with big buck teeth and a State Department full of human-rights yahoos. P. J. O'Rourke

Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking atavists mounted on foot-powered pairs of Hula-Hoops would have us pumping our legs, gritting our teeth, and searing our lungs as though we were being chased across the Pleistocene savanna by saber-toothed tigers. Think of the hopes, the dreams, the effort, the brilliance, the pure force of will that, over the eons, has gone into the creation of the Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Bicycle riders would have us throw all this on the ash heap of history. P. J. O'Rourke

Then there's politics. Just imagine politics with its dumbbell element subtracted. There would be no Republican candidates. There would be no Democratic voters. The whole system would collapse. P. J. O'Rourke

Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations. P. J. O'Rourke

The problem isn't a Congress that won't cut spending or a president who won't raise taxes. The problem is an American public with a bottomless sense of entitlement to federal money. P. J. O'Rourke

If we do our deficit spending on weapons, at least we get weapons. Then if we need weapons, we have them. If we don't need them, no harm is done. P. J. O'Rourke

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual. P. J. O'Rourke

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? P. J. O'Rourke

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. P. J. O'Rourke

That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven't really been knocked down for yet. P. J. O'Rourke

Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch. P. J. O'Rourke

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning. P. J. O'Rourke

In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again. P. J. O'Rourke

Politics is the business of getting power and privilege without possessing merit. A politician is anyone who asks individuals to surrender part of their liberty - their power and privilege - to State, Masses, Mankind, Planet Earth, or whatever. This state, those masses, that mankind, and the planet will then be run by ... politicians. P. J. O'Rourke

Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? P. J. O'Rourke

When government does, occasionally, work, it works in an elitist fashion. That is, government is most easily manipulated by people who have money and power already. This is why government benefits usually go to people who don't need benefits from government. Government may make some environmental improvements, but these will be improvements for rich bird-watchers. And no one in government will remember that when poor people go bird-watching they do it at Kentucky Fried Chicken. P. J. O'Rourke

Money is preferable to politics. It is the difference between being free to be anybody you want and to vote for anybody you want. And money is more effective than politics both in solving problems and in providing individual independence. To rid ourselves of all the trouble in the world, we need to make money. And to make money, we need to be free. P. J. O'Rourke

There is that kind of happiness. There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have, P. J. O'Rourke

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you've got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags. P. J. O'Rourke

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with. P. J. O'Rourke

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that." P. J. O'Rourke

When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along. P. J. O'Rourke

Think of what big governments have gotten up to in this century : not one, but two world wars, the gulag, the holocaust, aerial bombing of civilian population centers, the Berlin Wall, nuclear explosions, the post office. A wicked individual might want these, but he wouldn't have the cash and connections to get them. A villainous corporation could afford them but has to market the products. The Vietnam draft would be a tough sell for even the most fiendish businessmen. "Get shot! Get killed! Get diseases from foreign women who despise you in their hearts!" P. J. O'Rourke

Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything! P. J. O'Rourke

It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy. P. J. O'Rourke

Iran and Iraq have been at war for five years now. The traditional present for a fifth anniversary is wood. Here's a gift suggestion: a big stick to beat some goddamned sense into their heads. P. J. O'Rourke

A steady job is at least as deleterious to the spirit of bachelorhood as a steady date. Some jobs are worse than actual wives. P. J. O'Rourke

Biotechnology is a worry. What if they take genetic material from wet noodles and blowfish and splice it into politician chromosomes and create a Clinton administration? P. J. O'Rourke

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character. P. J. O'Rourke

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. P. J. O'Rourke

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid. P. J. O'Rourke

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. P. J. O'Rourke

We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans. P. J. O'Rourke

In the end we beat them with Levi 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of Communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they're lunch, and we're number one on the planet. P. J. O'Rourke

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks. P. J. O'Rourke

There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. P. J. O'Rourke

Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman. P. J. O'Rourke

Men generally pay for all expenses on a date ... either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarrness of the sexual request to be made later that evening. P. J. O'Rourke

We have no one to blame for the Kennedys but ourselves. We took the Kennedys to heart of our own accord. And it is my opinion that we did it not because we respected them or thought what they proposed was good, but because they were pretty. We, the electorate, were smitten by this handsome, vivacious family. . . . We wanted to hug their golden tousled heads to our dumpy breasts. P. J. O'Rourke

The larger the German body, the smaller the German bathing suit and the louder the German voice issuing German demands and German orders to everybody who doesn't speak German. For this, and several other reasons, Germany is known as 'the land where Israelis learned their manners'. P. J. O'Rourke

What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road. P. J. O'Rourke

A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible. P. J. O'Rourke

Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his wife. P. J. O'Rourke

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college. P. J. O'Rourke

A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it. P. J. O'Rourke

The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race. P. J. O'Rourke

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling. P. J. O'Rourke

B students work for C students. A students teach. P. J. O'Rourke

Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families. P. J. O'Rourke

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. P. J. O'Rourke

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians. P. J. O'Rourke

The complexity of economics can be calculated mathematically. Write out the algebraic equation that is the human heart and multiply each unknown by the population of the world. P. J. O'Rourke

The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties. You can start other things in your forties but generally your wife makes you stop them, as Bill Clinton found out. P. J. O'Rourke

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it. P. J. O'Rourke

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun. P. J. O'Rourke

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause. P. J. O'Rourke

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. P. J. O'Rourke

Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast. P. J. O'Rourke

Well the planet I've got a chance to visit is Earth, and Earth's principal features are chaos and war. I think I'd be a fool to spend years here and never have a look. P. J. O'Rourke

Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations. P. J. O'Rourke

Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine. P. J. O'Rourke

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards. P. J. O'Rourke

The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe. P. J. O'Rourke

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy. P. J. O'Rourke

Now majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But like other precious, sacred things .... it's not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. P. J. O'Rourke

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime. P. J. O'Rourke

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed. P. J. O'Rourke

Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free- indeed, sanctimonious- way for progressives to be racists. P. J. O'Rourke

Haitians weren't screwed-up, but everything political, intellectual, and material around them is. P. J. O'Rourke



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