Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Wallpapers

Mitch Hedberg
Total Quotes: 489


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. Mitch Hedberg
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together. Mitch Hedberg
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A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. Mitch Hedberg
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.' Mitch Hedberg
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too. Mitch Hedberg
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. Mitch Hedberg
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan. Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. Mitch Hedberg
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The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. Mitch Hedberg
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I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say I'm hungry, so it died. Mitch Hedberg
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I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something. Mitch Hedberg
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You know that word lull? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... oh shit. That'll fuck up a joke! Mitch Hedberg
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I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)- Mitch Hedberg
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I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
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Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible. Mitch Hedberg
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg
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I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. Mitch Hedberg
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I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Mitch Hedberg
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A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews' Mitch Hedberg
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I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody. Mitch Hedberg
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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. Mitch Hedberg
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. Mitch Hedberg
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?' Mitch Hedberg
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My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. Mitch Hedberg
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. Mitch Hedberg
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah. Mitch Hedberg
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. Mitch Hedberg
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Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!" Mitch Hedberg
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" Mitch Hedberg
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I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous. Mitch Hedberg
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Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. Mitch Hedberg
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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy." Mitch Hedberg
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus. Mitch Hedberg
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Why are there no "during" pictures? Mitch Hedberg
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it. Mitch Hedberg
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When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened. Mitch Hedberg
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!" Mitch Hedberg
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A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah." Mitch Hedberg
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail! Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. Mitch Hedberg
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!" Mitch Hedberg
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Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth. Mitch Hedberg
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I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction. Mitch Hedberg
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I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident! Mitch Hedberg
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When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!" Mitch Hedberg
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You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! Mitch Hedberg
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." Mitch Hedberg
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I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." Mitch Hedberg
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I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. Mitch Hedberg
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead." Mitch Hedberg
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Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. Mitch Hedberg
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I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, Fuck that, I'll just make a copy. Mitch Hedberg
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Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock! Mitch Hedberg
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If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! Mitch Hedberg
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You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. Mitch Hedberg
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Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly. Mitch Hedberg
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Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller? Mitch Hedberg
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg
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