Milton Berle Quotes & Wallpapers

Milton Berle
Total Quotes: 126


If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift." Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!" Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Laughter is the best medicine in the world. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year." Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

A thing of beauty is a job forever. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

Laughter is an instant vacation. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. Milton Berle
Download Wallpaper:



Page 1 of 2 | NEXT PAGE >
1   2  


RELATED TOPICS

Milton Berle Quotes, Comus Milton Quotes, Famous Milton Quotes, John Milton Quotes, Total Milton Quotes, Famous Quotes John Milton, Lonliness Quotes John Milton, Areopagitica by John Milton Quotes, Not Lost John Milton Quotes, Paradise Lost John Milton Quotes, Milton Friedman Quotes,