Milton Berle Quotes & Wallpapers

Milton Berle
Total Quotes: 126

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Milton Berle

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. Milton Berle

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. Milton Berle

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. Milton Berle

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. Milton Berle

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. Milton Berle

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. Milton Berle

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift." Milton Berle

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. Milton Berle

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. Milton Berle

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. Milton Berle

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that. Milton Berle

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. Milton Berle

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. Milton Berle

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? Milton Berle

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! Milton Berle

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. Milton Berle

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. Milton Berle

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. Milton Berle

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. Milton Berle

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back. Milton Berle

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!" Milton Berle

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. Milton Berle

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

A thing of beauty is a job forever. Milton Berle

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! Milton Berle

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever. Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? Milton Berle

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. Milton Berle

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. Milton Berle

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year." Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. Milton Berle

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. Milton Berle

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! Milton Berle

Laughter is the best medicine in the world. Milton Berle

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together Milton Berle

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! Milton Berle

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around. Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. Milton Berle

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? Milton Berle

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" Milton Berle

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license. Milton Berle

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! Milton Berle

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor. Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. Milton Berle

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. Milton Berle

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. Milton Berle

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. Milton Berle

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. Milton Berle

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. Milton Berle

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. Milton Berle

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how. Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school. Milton Berle

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs-is that a promise or a threat? Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? Milton Berle

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. Milton Berle

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