Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him. Mark Twain
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I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me. But when they descend to telling the truth about me I consider that this is taking an unfair advantage. Mark Twain
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It is not worth while to strain one's self to tell the truth to people who habitually discount everything you tell them, whether it is true or isn't. Mark Twain
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July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so Mark Twain
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I find no change of consequence in grown people, I do not miss the dead. It does not surprise me to hear that this friend or that friend died at such and such a time, because I fully expected that sort of news. But somehow I had made no calculation on the infants. It never occurred to me that infants grow up...These unexpected changes, from infancy to youth, and from youth to maturity, are by far the most startling things I meet with. Mark Twain
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If there is a God, he is a malign thug. Mark Twain
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There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened. Mark Twain
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The miracle or the power that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit. Mark Twain
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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambition. Mark Twain
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Look at you in war...There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war. Mark Twain
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He does not care for flowers. Calls them rubbish, and cannot tell one from another, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. Mark Twain
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Indeed, none but the Deity can tell what is good luck and what is bad before the returns are all in. Mark Twain
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There is not a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as American. Mark Twain
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A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out. Mark Twain
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Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom. Mark Twain
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A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law. Mark Twain
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Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense. Mark Twain
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He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. Mark Twain
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There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it. Mark Twain
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Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain
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If you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward. You will never get her full confidence again. Mark Twain
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Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed. Mark Twain
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It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Overnight success is a fallacy. It is preceded by a great deal of preparation. Ask any successful person how they came to this point in their lives, and they will have a story to tell. Mark Twain
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He had an uncommon fondness for cats. As an old man summering in New Hampshire, Twain even rented kittens from a nearby farm to keep him company until he returned home. "If man could be crossed with the cat," said Twain, "it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends. Mark Twain
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Every improvement that is put upon the real estate is the result of an idea in somebody's head. The skyscraper is another idea; the railroad is another; the telephone and all those things are merely symbols which represent ideas. An andiron, a wash-tub, is the result of an idea that did not exist before. Mark Twain
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Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think it is. Mark Twain
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As a rule, we go about with masks, we go about looking honest, and we are able to conceal ourselves all through the day. Mark Twain
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Doesn't make any difference who we are or what we are, there's always somebody to look down on. Mark Twain
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Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it Mark Twain
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It is wiser to find out than to suppose. Mark Twain
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I never could do anything with figures, never had any talent for mathematics, never accomplished anything in my efforts at that rugged study, and to-day the only mathematics I know is multiplication, and the minute I get away up in that, as soon as I reach nine times seven- [He lapsed into deep thought, trying to figure nine times seven. Mr. McKelway whispered the answer to him.] I've got it now. It's eighty-four. Well, I can get that far all right with a little hesitation. After that I am uncertain, and I can't manage a statistic. Mark Twain
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Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that. Mark Twain
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The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain
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The pulpit and the optimist are always talking about the human race's steady march toward ultimate perfection. As usual, they leave out the statistics. It is the pulpit's way - the optimist's way. Mark Twain
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All you drunkards: Put down the intoxicating Vanity Metrics. Mark Twain
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Be virtuous and you will be eccentric. Mark Twain
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It makes one hope and believe that a day will come when, in the eye of the law, literary property will be as sacred as whiskey, or any other of the necessaries of life. It grieves me to think how far more profound and reverent a respect the law would have for literature if a body could only get drunk on it. Mark Twain
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A wanton waste of projectiles. Mark Twain
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He could charm an audience an hour on a stretch without ever getting rid of an idea. Mark Twain
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Adam and Eve entered the world naked and unashamed - naked and pure-minded. And no descendant of theirs has ever entered it otherwise. All have entered it naked, unashamed, and clean in mind. They entered it modest. They had to acquire immodesty in the soiled mind, there was no other way to get it. ... The convention mis-called "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anyone's whim - anyone's diseased caprice. Mark Twain
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There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule-and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way. Mark Twain
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I have carried a revolver; lots of us do, but they are the most innocent things in the world. Mark Twain
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I should have been glad to acquire some sort of idea of Hindu theology, ... but the difficulties were too great. Mark Twain
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Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals. Mark Twain
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We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books- theoretically at least. Mark Twain
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The Church worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch - the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. Mark Twain
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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes; when bad, he is entitled to none at all. Mark Twain
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I am trying to get the hang of this new fangled writing machine, but I am not making a shining success of it. However, this is the first attempt I have ever made & yet I perceive I shall soon & easily acquire a fine facility in its use. ... The machine has several virtues. I believe it will print faster than I can write. One may lean back in his chair & work it. It piles an awful stack of words on one page. It don't muss things or scatter ink blots around. Of course it saves paper. Mark Twain
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I have learned that there lies dormant in the souls of all men a penchant for some particular musical instrument an an unsuspected yearning to play on it, which are bound to wake up an demand attention someday. Therefore you who rail at such that disturb your slumbers with unsuccessful and demoralizing attempts to subjugate a guitar, beware! For sooner or later your own time will come. Mark Twain
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....try the mustard, - a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard. Mark Twain
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Man is without doubt the most interesting fool there is. He concedes that God made the angels immune from pain and death, and that he could have been similarly kind to man, but denies that he was under any moral obligation to do so. Mark Twain
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If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick. Mark Twain
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All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth-including America, of course- consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen. Mark Twain
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No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous. Mark Twain
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In prayer we call ourselves 'worms of the dust', but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par. Mark Twain
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The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend is immortal Mark Twain
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The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases. Mark Twain
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Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders... Mark Twain
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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain
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The symbol of the race ought to be a human being carrying an ax, for every human being has one concealed about him somewhere, and is always seeking the opportunity to grind it. Mark Twain
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Damn these human beings; if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag. Mark Twain
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Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success. Mark Twain
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Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season. Mark Twain
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Intellectual 'work' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward. Mark Twain
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Often a quite assified remark becomes sanctified by use and petrified by custom; it is then a permanency, its term of activity a geologic period. Mark Twain
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A person who has during all time maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of four-fifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilities of the loftiest order. Mark Twain
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Oh Death where is thy sting! It has none. But life has. Mark Twain
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You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft. Mark Twain
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...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. Mark Twain
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