Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


I felt it was my duty to praise all of God's works with fervent enthusiasm. At the same time I killed flies in my house in a spirit of hatred, exasperation and contempt. My praise to God for all his works was dishonest, the act of killing the fly was honest. Mark Twain
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If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Mark Twain
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The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so. Mark Twain
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When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. Mark Twain
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Wilson stopped and stood silent. Inattention dies a quick and sure death when a speaker does that. Mark Twain
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What a man wants with religion in these breadless times, surpasses my comprehension. Mark Twain
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I always did hate for anyone to know what my plans or hopes or prospects were?for, if I kept people in ignorance in these matters, no one could be disappointed but myself, if they were not realized. Mark Twain
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My interest in my work dies a sudden and violent death when the work is done. Mark Twain
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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity. Mark Twain
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Persons who think there is no such thing as luck good or bad are entitled to their opinion, although I think they ought to be shot for it. Mark Twain
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He [George Washington Cable] has taught me to abhor and detest the Sabbath day and hunt up new and troublesome ways to dishonor it. Mark Twain
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It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason that the emergency requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, and so, not having no need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowledge. Mark Twain
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None but the dead have free speech. Mark Twain
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The fact is, the king was a good deal more than a king, he was a man; and when a man is a man, you can't knock it out of him. Mark Twain
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The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. Mark Twain
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Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. Mark Twain
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The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. Mark Twain
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How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it. Mark Twain
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Man is without doubt the most interesting fool there is. He concedes that God made the angels immune from pain and death, and that he could have been similarly kind to man, but denies that he was under any moral obligation to do so. Mark Twain
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If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick. Mark Twain
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All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth-including America, of course- consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen. Mark Twain
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No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous. Mark Twain
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In prayer we call ourselves 'worms of the dust', but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par. Mark Twain
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The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend is immortal Mark Twain
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The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases. Mark Twain
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Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders... Mark Twain
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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain
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Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson. Mark Twain
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You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use. Mark Twain
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The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey! Mark Twain
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By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved. Mark Twain
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Good judgment comes from experience. And where does experience come from? Experience comes from bad judgment. Mark Twain
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The easy part of being an artist is figuring out the message that everyone else is ready to hear. The hard part is waiting for the proper lull to make the announcement. Mark Twain
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The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise... Mark Twain
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The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind of eye couldn't detect. Mark Twain
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If books are not good company, where shall I find it? Mark Twain
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I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together. Mark Twain
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When we think of friends, and call their faces out of the shadows, and their voices out of the echoes that faint along the corridors of memory, and do it without knowing why save that we love to do it, we content ourselves that that friendship is a Reality, and not a Fancy-that it is builded upon a rock, and not upon the sands that dissolve away with the ebbing tides and carry their monuments with them. Mark Twain
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In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. Mark Twain
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I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly. Mark Twain
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Wheresoever she was, there was Eden. Mark Twain
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Many public-school children seem to know only two dates-1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion. Mark Twain
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I don't want no better book than what your face is. Mark Twain
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What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. All day long, the mill of his brain is grinding, and his thoughts, not those of other things, are his history. These are his life, and they are not written. Everyday would make a whole book of 80,000 words - 365 books a year. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written. Mark Twain
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The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain
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The pulpit and the optimist are always talking about the human race's steady march toward ultimate perfection. As usual, they leave out the statistics. It is the pulpit's way - the optimist's way. Mark Twain
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All you drunkards: Put down the intoxicating Vanity Metrics. Mark Twain
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Be virtuous and you will be eccentric. Mark Twain
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It makes one hope and believe that a day will come when, in the eye of the law, literary property will be as sacred as whiskey, or any other of the necessaries of life. It grieves me to think how far more profound and reverent a respect the law would have for literature if a body could only get drunk on it. Mark Twain
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A wanton waste of projectiles. Mark Twain
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He could charm an audience an hour on a stretch without ever getting rid of an idea. Mark Twain
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Adam and Eve entered the world naked and unashamed - naked and pure-minded. And no descendant of theirs has ever entered it otherwise. All have entered it naked, unashamed, and clean in mind. They entered it modest. They had to acquire immodesty in the soiled mind, there was no other way to get it. ... The convention mis-called "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anyone's whim - anyone's diseased caprice. Mark Twain
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There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule-and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way. Mark Twain
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I have carried a revolver; lots of us do, but they are the most innocent things in the world. Mark Twain
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I should have been glad to acquire some sort of idea of Hindu theology, ... but the difficulties were too great. Mark Twain
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Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals. Mark Twain
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We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books- theoretically at least. Mark Twain
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The Church worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch - the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. Mark Twain
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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes; when bad, he is entitled to none at all. Mark Twain
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I am trying to get the hang of this new fangled writing machine, but I am not making a shining success of it. However, this is the first attempt I have ever made & yet I perceive I shall soon & easily acquire a fine facility in its use. ... The machine has several virtues. I believe it will print faster than I can write. One may lean back in his chair & work it. It piles an awful stack of words on one page. It don't muss things or scatter ink blots around. Of course it saves paper. Mark Twain
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I have learned that there lies dormant in the souls of all men a penchant for some particular musical instrument an an unsuspected yearning to play on it, which are bound to wake up an demand attention someday. Therefore you who rail at such that disturb your slumbers with unsuccessful and demoralizing attempts to subjugate a guitar, beware! For sooner or later your own time will come. Mark Twain
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....try the mustard, - a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard. Mark Twain
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A sin takes on a new and real terror when there seems a chance that it is going to be found out. Mark Twain
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The silent colossal National Lie that is the support and confederate of all the tyrannies and shams and inequalities and unfairnesses that afflict the peoples - that is the one to throw bricks and sermons at. Mark Twain
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History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn't be wise. Mark Twain
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Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them. Mark Twain
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Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. Mark Twain
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I am the entire human race compacted together. I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way. Mark Twain
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A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. Mark Twain
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