Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it. Mark Twain
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If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do. Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base Mark Twain
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Where every man in a state has a vote, brutal laws are impossible. Mark Twain
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Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of. Mark Twain
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If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him. Mark Twain
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I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me. But when they descend to telling the truth about me I consider that this is taking an unfair advantage. Mark Twain
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It is not worth while to strain one's self to tell the truth to people who habitually discount everything you tell them, whether it is true or isn't. Mark Twain
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July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so Mark Twain
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I find no change of consequence in grown people, I do not miss the dead. It does not surprise me to hear that this friend or that friend died at such and such a time, because I fully expected that sort of news. But somehow I had made no calculation on the infants. It never occurred to me that infants grow up...These unexpected changes, from infancy to youth, and from youth to maturity, are by far the most startling things I meet with. Mark Twain
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If there is a God, he is a malign thug. Mark Twain
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There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened. Mark Twain
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The miracle or the power that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit. Mark Twain
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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambition. Mark Twain
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Look at you in war...There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war. Mark Twain
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He does not care for flowers. Calls them rubbish, and cannot tell one from another, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. Mark Twain
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Indeed, none but the Deity can tell what is good luck and what is bad before the returns are all in. Mark Twain
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There is not a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as American. Mark Twain
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A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out. Mark Twain
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Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom. Mark Twain
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A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law. Mark Twain
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Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense. Mark Twain
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He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. Mark Twain
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There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it. Mark Twain
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Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain
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If you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward. You will never get her full confidence again. Mark Twain
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Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed. Mark Twain
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It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Overnight success is a fallacy. It is preceded by a great deal of preparation. Ask any successful person how they came to this point in their lives, and they will have a story to tell. Mark Twain
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He had an uncommon fondness for cats. As an old man summering in New Hampshire, Twain even rented kittens from a nearby farm to keep him company until he returned home. "If man could be crossed with the cat," said Twain, "it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends. Mark Twain
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Every improvement that is put upon the real estate is the result of an idea in somebody's head. The skyscraper is another idea; the railroad is another; the telephone and all those things are merely symbols which represent ideas. An andiron, a wash-tub, is the result of an idea that did not exist before. Mark Twain
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Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think it is. Mark Twain
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As a rule, we go about with masks, we go about looking honest, and we are able to conceal ourselves all through the day. Mark Twain
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Doesn't make any difference who we are or what we are, there's always somebody to look down on. Mark Twain
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Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it Mark Twain
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It is wiser to find out than to suppose. Mark Twain
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I never could do anything with figures, never had any talent for mathematics, never accomplished anything in my efforts at that rugged study, and to-day the only mathematics I know is multiplication, and the minute I get away up in that, as soon as I reach nine times seven- [He lapsed into deep thought, trying to figure nine times seven. Mr. McKelway whispered the answer to him.] I've got it now. It's eighty-four. Well, I can get that far all right with a little hesitation. After that I am uncertain, and I can't manage a statistic. Mark Twain
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Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that. Mark Twain
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Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson. Mark Twain
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You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use. Mark Twain
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The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey! Mark Twain
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By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved. Mark Twain
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Switzerland would me a mighty big place if it were ironed flat. Mark Twain
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One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning. Mark Twain
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Conscience, man's moral medicine chest. Mark Twain
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Do something everyday that you don't want to do. Mark Twain
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The darling mispronunciations of childhood! - dear me, there's no music that can touch it; and how one grieves when it wastes away and dissolves into correctness, knowing it will never visit his bereaved ear again. Mark Twain
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The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large. Mark Twain
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Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time. Mark Twain
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one. Mark Twain
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Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Mark Twain
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Solomon, who was one of the Deity's favorites, had a copulation cabinet composed of seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. To save his life he could not have kept two of these young creatures satisfactorily refreshed, even if he had fifteen experts to help him. Necessarily almost the entire thousand had to go hungry for years and years on a stretch. Conceive of a man hardhearted enough to look daily upon all that suffering and not be moved to mitigate it. Mark Twain
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It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want-oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! Mark Twain
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You cant reach old age by another man's road, my habits protect my life but they would assassinate you Mark Twain
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But it is a blessed provision of nature that at times like these, as soon as a man's mercury has got down to a certain point there comes a revulsion, and he rallies. Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it, and then he is in good shape to do something for himself, if anything can be done. Mark Twain
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Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. Mark Twain
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Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness. Mark Twain
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What a curious kind of fool a girl is. Never been licked in school. What's a licking? Mark Twain
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The symbol of the race ought to be a human being carrying an ax, for every human being has one concealed about him somewhere, and is always seeking the opportunity to grind it. Mark Twain
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Damn these human beings; if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag. Mark Twain
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Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success. Mark Twain
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Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season. Mark Twain
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Intellectual 'work' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward. Mark Twain
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Often a quite assified remark becomes sanctified by use and petrified by custom; it is then a permanency, its term of activity a geologic period. Mark Twain
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A person who has during all time maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of four-fifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilities of the loftiest order. Mark Twain
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Oh Death where is thy sting! It has none. But life has. Mark Twain
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You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft. Mark Twain
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...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. Mark Twain
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There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that. Mark Twain
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I have done more for San Francisco than any of its old residents. Since I left there it has increased in population fully 300,000. I could have done more - I could have gone earlier - it was suggested. Mark Twain
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Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
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There is not a single celebrated Southern name in any of the departments of human industry except those of war, assassination, lynching, murder, the duel, repudiation, & massacre. Mark Twain
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