Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. Mark Twain
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Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Mark Twain
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The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. Mark Twain
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As to the human race. There are many pretty and winning things about the human race. It is perhaps the poorest of all the inventions of all the gods but it has never suspected it once. There is nothing prettier than its naive and complacent appreciation of itself. It comes out frankly and proclaims without bashfulness or any sign of a blush that it is the noblest work of God. It has had a billion opportunities to know better, but all signs fail with this ass. I could say harsh things about it but I cannot bring myself to do it-it is like hitting a child. Mark Twain
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We all belong to the nasty stinking little human race, & of course it is not nice for God's beloved vermin to scoff at each other... Oh, we are a nasty little lot-& to think there are people who would like to save us & continue us. It won't happen if I have any influence. Mark Twain
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Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration. Mark Twain
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I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct, nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying. Mark Twain
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Out of the unconscious lips of babes and sucklings are we satirized. Mark Twain
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Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either. Mark Twain
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An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth. Mark Twain
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When someone dies, it is like when your house burns down; it isn't for years that you realize the full extent of your loss. Mark Twain
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The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes we had brought from the wilds of America. They observed that we talked loudly at table sometimes. They noticed that we looked out for expenses and got what we conveniently could out of a franc, and wondered where in the mischief we came from. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. Mark Twain
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I am admonished in many ways that time is pushing me inexorably along. I am approaching the threshold of age; in 1977 I shall be 142. This is no time to be flitting about the earth. I must cease from the activities proper to youth and begin to take on the dignities and gravities and inertia proper to that season of honorable senility which is on its way. Mark Twain
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A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle; ...they squabble and scold and fight; they scramble for little mean advantages over each other; age creeps upon them; infirmities follow; ...those they love are taken from them, and the joy of life is turned to aching grief. It comes at last-the only unpoisoned gift earth ever had for them-and they vanish from a world where they were of no consequence, ...a world which will lament them a day and forget them forever. Mark Twain
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Nations do not think, they only feel. They get their feelings at second hand through their temperaments, not their brains. A nation can be brought - by force of circumstances, not argument - to reconcile itself to any kind of government or religion that can be devised; in time it will fit itself to the required conditions; later it will prefer them and will fiercely fight for them. Mark Twain
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Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it. Mark Twain
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There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars. Mark Twain
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If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be. Mark Twain
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I am personally acquainted with hundreds of journalists, and the opinion of the majority of them would not be worth tuppence in private, but when they speak in print it is the newspaper that is talking (the pygmy scribe is not visible) and then their utterances shake the community like the thunders of prophecy. Mark Twain
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man. Mark Twain
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We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents. Mark Twain
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How often we recall with regret that Napoleon once shot at a magazine editor and missed him and killed a publisher. But we remember with charity that his intentions were good. Mark Twain
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there was no crime in unconscious plagiarism; that I committed it everyday, that he committed it everyday, that every man alive on earth who writes or speaks commits it every day and not merely once or twice but every time he open his mouth... there is nothing of our own in it except some slight change born of our temperament, character, environment, teachings and associations Mark Twain
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It is sound judgment to put on a bold face and play your hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine times out of fifty nobody dares to call it, and you roll in the chips. Mark Twain
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Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain
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I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't. Mark Twain
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The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain
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Write without pay until somebody offers to pay. Mark Twain
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Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of whitewash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed the fence, and all gladness left him and a deep melancholy settled down upon his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow, and existence but a burden. Mark Twain
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A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse. Mark Twain
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Training- training is everything; training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they are transmitted to us, trained into us. Mark Twain
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Would it not be prudent to get our civilization tools together, and see how much stock is left on hand in the way of Glass Beads and Theology, and Maxim Guns and Hymn Books, and Trade Gin and Torches of Progress and Enlightenment (patent adjustable ones, good to fire villages with, upon occasion), and balance the books, and arrive at the profit and loss, so that we may intelligently decide whether to continue the business or sellout the property and start a new Civilization Scheme on the proceeds. Mark Twain
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There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it. Mark Twain
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Human beings can be awful cruel to one another. Mark Twain
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I cherish the dreams of yesterday and dare not dwell on the err's of my past whose fate has been long decided, and effect I can not change. For the dreams of yesterday are the challenges of today, and the hope for tomorrow. Mark Twain
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I hate to hear people say this Judge will vote so and so, because he is a Democrat - and this one so and so because he is a Republican. It is shameful. The Judges have the Constitution for their guidance; they have no right to any politics save the politics of rigid right and justice when they are sitting in judgment upon the great matters that come before them. Mark Twain
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Yes, always avoid violence. In this age of charity and kindliness, the time has gone by for such things. Leave dynamite to the low and unrefined. Mark Twain
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When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them-then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are far apart. Mark Twain
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If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary Mark Twain
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I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing. Mark Twain
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the more I know about people, the better I like my dogs. Mark Twain
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The difference between fiction and nonfiction is that fiction must be absolutely believable. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as an ordinary life. Mark Twain
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Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow. Mark Twain
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When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me. Mark Twain
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Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. Mark Twain
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The more I know people, the more I love my dog. Mark Twain
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Let us consider that we are all insane. It will explain us to each other. It will unriddle many riddles Mark Twain
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You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Aunt Polly, or the widow, or maybe Mary. Aunt Polly-Tom's Aunt Polly, she is-and Mary, and the Widow Douglas is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before. Mark Twain
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Figures don't lie, but liars figure. Mark Twain
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Sing like no one is listening, LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT, dance like nobody's watcbing, and live like it's heaven on earth. Mark Twain
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Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Mark Twain
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read- Mark Twain
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In Austria an editor who can write well is valuable, but he is not likely to remain so unless he can handle a sabre with charm. Mark Twain
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More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain. Mark Twain
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If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around. Mark Twain
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Don't you know that the very thing a man dreads is the thing that always happens? Mark Twain
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Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Mark Twain
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Time spent with your children is time wisely spent. Mark Twain
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To avoid being drawn into error, keep a firm grip on the truth. Mark Twain
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A pessimist is a well-informed optimist. Mark Twain
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When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years. Mark Twain
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The only certainties in life are death and taxes. Mark Twain
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My heart goes out to anyone who is making his first appearance before an audience of human beings. Mark Twain
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The average man is what his environment and his superstitions have made him; and their function is to make him an ass. He can't add up three or four new circumstances together and perceive what they mean; it is beyond him. He is not capable of observing for himself; he has to get everything at second-hand. If what are miscalled the lower animals were as silly as man is, they would all perish from the earth in a year. Mark Twain
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Do one thing every day you don't want to do. Mark Twain
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Wagner has some great moments, but a lot of miserable half hours. Mark Twain
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A street in Constantinople is a picture which one ought to see once-not oftener. Mark Twain
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There is only one good sex. The female one. Mark Twain
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The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing, it is the thing to watch over and care for and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous. . . . Mark Twain
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