Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. Mark Twain
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A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it. Mark Twain
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I said nothing of the sort. Mark Twain
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When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends. Mark Twain
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I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars. Mark Twain
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It is poison - rank poison - to knuckle down to care and hardships. They must come to us all, albeit in different shapes, and we may not escape them. It is not possible. But we may swindle them out of half of their puissance with a stiff upper lip. Mark Twain
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Is not this insanity plea becoming rather common? Is it not so common that the reader confidently expects to see it offered in every criminal case that comes before the courts?... Really, what we want now, is not laws against crime, but a law against insanity. Mark Twain
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Men are easily dealt with-but when you get the women started, you are in for it, you know. Mark Twain
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In my experience, previously counted chickens never do hatch. Mark Twain
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As I slowly grow wise I briskly grow cautious. Mark Twain
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Words are only painted fire, a look is the fire itself. She gave that look, and carried it away to the treasury of heaven, where all things that are divine belong. Mark Twain
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I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain
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There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry. Mark Twain
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Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. Mark Twain
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Distance lends enchantment to the view. Mark Twain
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When all is said and done, the one sole condition that makes spiritual happiness and preserves it is the absence of doubt. Mark Twain
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Training- training is everything; training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they are transmitted to us, trained into us. Mark Twain
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Would it not be prudent to get our civilization tools together, and see how much stock is left on hand in the way of Glass Beads and Theology, and Maxim Guns and Hymn Books, and Trade Gin and Torches of Progress and Enlightenment (patent adjustable ones, good to fire villages with, upon occasion), and balance the books, and arrive at the profit and loss, so that we may intelligently decide whether to continue the business or sellout the property and start a new Civilization Scheme on the proceeds. Mark Twain
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There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it. Mark Twain
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Human beings can be awful cruel to one another. Mark Twain
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I cherish the dreams of yesterday and dare not dwell on the err's of my past whose fate has been long decided, and effect I can not change. For the dreams of yesterday are the challenges of today, and the hope for tomorrow. Mark Twain
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I hate to hear people say this Judge will vote so and so, because he is a Democrat - and this one so and so because he is a Republican. It is shameful. The Judges have the Constitution for their guidance; they have no right to any politics save the politics of rigid right and justice when they are sitting in judgment upon the great matters that come before them. Mark Twain
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Yes, always avoid violence. In this age of charity and kindliness, the time has gone by for such things. Leave dynamite to the low and unrefined. Mark Twain
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When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them-then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are far apart. Mark Twain
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If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary Mark Twain
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I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing. Mark Twain
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the more I know about people, the better I like my dogs. Mark Twain
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The difference between fiction and nonfiction is that fiction must be absolutely believable. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as an ordinary life. Mark Twain
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Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow. Mark Twain
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When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me. Mark Twain
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Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. Mark Twain
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The more I know people, the more I love my dog. Mark Twain
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Let us consider that we are all insane. It will explain us to each other. It will unriddle many riddles Mark Twain
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Missionarying was a better thing in those days than it is in ours. All you had to do was to cure the head savage's sick daughter by a miracle- a miracle like the miracle of Lourdes in our day, for instance- and immediately that head savage was your convert, and filled to the eyes with a new convert's enthusiasm. You could sit down and make yourself easy now. He would take the ax and convert the rest of the nation himself. Mark Twain
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As to the human race. There are many pretty and winning things about the human race. It is perhaps the poorest of all the inventions of all the gods but it has never suspected it once. There is nothing prettier than its naive and complacent appreciation of itself. It comes out frankly and proclaims without bashfulness or any sign of a blush that it is the noblest work of God. It has had a billion opportunities to know better, but all signs fail with this ass. I could say harsh things about it but I cannot bring myself to do it-it is like hitting a child. Mark Twain
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We all belong to the nasty stinking little human race, & of course it is not nice for God's beloved vermin to scoff at each other... Oh, we are a nasty little lot-& to think there are people who would like to save us & continue us. It won't happen if I have any influence. Mark Twain
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Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration. Mark Twain
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I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct, nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying. Mark Twain
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Out of the unconscious lips of babes and sucklings are we satirized. Mark Twain
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Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either. Mark Twain
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An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth. Mark Twain
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When someone dies, it is like when your house burns down; it isn't for years that you realize the full extent of your loss. Mark Twain
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The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes we had brought from the wilds of America. They observed that we talked loudly at table sometimes. They noticed that we looked out for expenses and got what we conveniently could out of a franc, and wondered where in the mischief we came from. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. Mark Twain
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I am admonished in many ways that time is pushing me inexorably along. I am approaching the threshold of age; in 1977 I shall be 142. This is no time to be flitting about the earth. I must cease from the activities proper to youth and begin to take on the dignities and gravities and inertia proper to that season of honorable senility which is on its way. Mark Twain
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A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle; ...they squabble and scold and fight; they scramble for little mean advantages over each other; age creeps upon them; infirmities follow; ...those they love are taken from them, and the joy of life is turned to aching grief. It comes at last-the only unpoisoned gift earth ever had for them-and they vanish from a world where they were of no consequence, ...a world which will lament them a day and forget them forever. Mark Twain
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Nations do not think, they only feel. They get their feelings at second hand through their temperaments, not their brains. A nation can be brought - by force of circumstances, not argument - to reconcile itself to any kind of government or religion that can be devised; in time it will fit itself to the required conditions; later it will prefer them and will fiercely fight for them. Mark Twain
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Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it. Mark Twain
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I was born modest, but it didn't last. Mark Twain
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It is easy to see that the inventor of the heaven did not originate the idea, but copied it from the show-ceremonies of some sorry little sovereign State up in the back settlements of the Orient somewhere. Mark Twain
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The choir always tittered and whispered all through the service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was. Mark Twain
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Look at the mother of Washington! She raised a boy that could not tell a lie-could not tell a lie! But he never had any chance. It might have been different if he had belonged to the Washington Newspaper Correspondents' Club Mark Twain
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It is the will of God that we must have critics, and missionaries, and Congressmen, and humorists, and we must bear the burden. Meantime, I seem to have been drifting into criticism myself. But that is nothing. At the worst, criticism is nothing more than a crime, and I am not unused to that. Mark Twain
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Sometimes I lifted a chicken that warn't roosting comfortable, and took him along. Pap always said, take a chicken when you get achance, because if you don't want him yourself you can easy find somebody that does, and a good deed ain't ever forgot. I never see papa when he didn't want the chicken himself, but that is what he used to say, anyway. Mark Twain
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I have at last, after several months' experience, made up my mind that [New York] is a splendid desert-a domed and steepled solitude, where the stranger is lonely in the midst of a million of his race. Mark Twain
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. Mark Twain
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Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes-none knows whence-and cannot explain itself. Mark Twain
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Some of the worst things in my life never even happened. Mark Twain
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Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size. Mark Twain
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At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen. Mark Twain
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To us, our house was not unsentient matter - it had a heart, and a soul, and eyes to see us with; and approvals and solicitudes and deep sympathies; it was of us, and we were in its confidence, and lived in its grace and in the peace of its benediction. Mark Twain
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I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. Mark Twain
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Inherently, each one of us has the substance within to achieve whatever our goals and dreams define. What is different for each of us is the training, education, knowledge and insight to utilize what we already have. Mark Twain
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The very "marks" on the bottom of a piece of rare crockery are able to throw me into a gibbering ecstasy. Mark Twain
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My brother had just been appointed Secretary of Nevada Territory-an office of such majesty that it concentrated in itself the duties and dignities of Treasurer, Comptroller, Secretary of State, and Acting Governor in the Governor's absence. A salary of eighteen hundred dollars a year and the title of "Mr. Secretary," gave to the great position an air of wild and imposing grandeur. I was young and ignorant, and I envied my brother. Mark Twain
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It was in 1590-winter. Austria was far away from the world, and asleep; it was still the Middle Ages in Austria, and promised to remain so forever. Some even set it away back centuries upon centuries and said that by the mental and spiritual clock it was still the Age of Belief in Austria. But they meant it as a compliment, not a slur, and it was so taken, and we were all proud of it. I remember it well, although I was only a boy; and I remember, too, the pleasure it gave me. Mark Twain
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I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. And it cannot be any benefit when you are tired; and I was always tired. Mark Twain
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As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. Mark Twain
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To get the right word in the right place is a rare achievement. To condense the diffused light of a page of thought into the luminous flash of a single sentence, is worthy to rank as a prize composition just by itself...Anybody can have ideas-the difficulty is to express them without squandering a quire of paper on an idea that ought to be reduced to one glittering paragraph. Mark Twain
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I couldn't bear to think about it; and yet, somehow, I couldn't think about nothing else. Mark Twain
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