Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it. Mark Twain
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I like Joan of Arc best of all my books; and it is the best; I know it perfectly well. Mark Twain
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[I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading-though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it. Mark Twain
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Begin with the determination to succeed and the work is half done already. Mark Twain
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It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. Mark Twain
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Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Mark Twain
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The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. Mark Twain
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Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. Mark Twain
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To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. Mark Twain
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Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. Mark Twain
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The wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling. Mark Twain
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Nearly all black and brown skins are beautiful, but a beautiful white skin is rare. Mark Twain
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Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain
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It was a splendid population - for all the slow, sleepy, sluggish-brained sloths stayed at home - you never find that sort of people among pioneers - you cannot build pioneers out of that sort of material. It was that population that gave to California a name for getting up astounding enterprises and rushing them through with a magnificent dash and daring and a recklessness of cost or consequences, which she bears unto this day - and when she projects a new surprise the grave world smiles as usual and says, "Well, that is California all over. Mark Twain
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They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. Mark Twain
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It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races. Mark Twain
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. Mark Twain
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Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages. Mark Twain
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Always do what's right. That will gratify some and surprise the rest. Mark Twain
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Suppose . . . burglars had made entry into this . . . [library]. Picture them seated here on this floor, pouring the light of their dark-lanterns over some books they found, and thus absorbing moral truths and getting moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way and were sent to jail. For all I know, they may next be sent to Congress. Mark Twain
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More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking. Mark Twain
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We are all ignorant; just about different things. Mark Twain
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There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous. Mark Twain
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This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Inasmuch as Strait is the way and narrow is the gate, and few - few - are they that enter in thereat has had the natural effect of making hell the only really prominent Christian community in any of the worlds; but we don't brag of this and certainly it is not proper to brag and boast that America is a Christian country when we all know that certainly five-sixths of our population could not enter in at the narrow gate. Mark Twain
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One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. From the code of morals I have been following and revising and revising for 72 years I remember one detail. All my life I have been honest - comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly - I could only lend it. Mark Twain
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All gentle cant and philosophizing to the contrary notwithstanding, no people in this world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed, must begin in blood. Mark Twain
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Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market. Mark Twain
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Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash, I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully. Mark Twain
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I will remark in the way of general information, that in California, that land of felicitous nomenclature, the literary name of this sort of stuff is "hogwash" Mark Twain
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For the majority of us, the past is a regret, the future an experiment Mark Twain
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Progressive improvement beats delayed perfection. Mark Twain
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Once I talked to the inmates of an insane asylum in Hartford. I have talked to idiots a thousand times, but only once to the insane... Mark Twain
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I was in one of the most grand attitudes I ever struck, with my arm stretched up pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect. You could see the shudder sweep the mass like a wave. Mark Twain
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In other localities certain places in the streams are much better than others, but at Niagara one place is just as good as another, for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere. Mark Twain
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Thanksgiving Day - Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys, they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Mark Twain
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Who is this Renaissance? Where did he come from? Who gave him permission to cram the Republic with his execrable daubs? Mark Twain
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Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction. Mark Twain
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There are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics. Mark Twain
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. Mark Twain
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Of the demonstrably wise there are but two; those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink. Mark Twain
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All religions issue bibles against him, and say most injurious things about him, but we never hear his side. Mark Twain
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Anywhere is better than Paris. Paris the cold, Paris the drizzly, Paris the rainy, Paris the damnable. More than a hundred years ago somebody asked Quin, 'Did you ever see such a winter in all your life before?' 'Yes,' said he, 'Last summer.' I judge he spent his summer in Paris. Mark Twain
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A pretty air in an opera is prettier there than it could be anywhere else, I suppose, just as an honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere. Mark Twain
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Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. Mark Twain
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Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? and ain't that a big enough majority in any town? Mark Twain
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In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made proofreaders. Mark Twain
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Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that you didn't see him do it. Mark Twain
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Man is the Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion-several of them. Mark Twain
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The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves. Mark Twain
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The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is - a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers. Mark Twain
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Difference between savage and civilized man: one is painted, the other gilded. Mark Twain
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It is my custom to keep on talking until I get the audience cowed. Mark Twain
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One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. Mark Twain
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When a person is accustomed to one hundred and thirty-eight in the shade, his ideas about cold weather are not valuable. Mark Twain
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It is not what a man knows, but what he thinks of in time. Mark Twain
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Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it. Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it. Mark Twain
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The southerner talks music. Mark Twain
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I'm all for prosperity. It's change I object to. Mark Twain
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And so when I couldn't stand it no longer, I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. Mark Twain
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You have noticed that the human being is a curiosity. In times past he has had (and worn out and flung away) hundreds and hundreds of religions; today he has hundreds and hundreds of religions, and launches not fewer than three new ones every year. I could enlarge on that number and still be within the facts. Mark Twain
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It is believed by everyone that when he was in heaven he was stern, hard, resentful, jealous and cruel, but that when he came down to earth, he became the opposite... sweet, gentle merciful, forgiving. He was a thousand billion times crueler than ever he was in the Old Testament... Meek and gentle? By and by we will examine that popular sarcasm by the light of the hell which he invented. Mark Twain
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Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Mark Twain
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The truth is a precious commodity. That's why I use it so sparingly. Mark Twain
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Wherein lies a poet's claim to originality? That he invents his incidents? No. That he was present when his episodes had their birth? No. That he was first to repeat them? No. None of these things has any value. He confers on them their only originality that has any value, and that is his way of telling them. Mark Twain
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Water is an individual, an animal, and is alive, remove the hydrogen and it is an animal and is alive; the remaining oxygen is also an individual, an animal, and is alive. Recapitulation: the two individuals combined, constitute a third individual-and yet each continues to be an individual....here was mute Nature explaining the sublime mystery of the Trinity so luminously that even the commonest understanding could comprehend it, whereas many a trained master of words had labored to do it with speech and failed. Mark Twain
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God was left out of the Constitution, but was furnished a front seat in this nations currency. ("In God we Trust") is a lie, this nations trust has always been with the dollar. Mark Twain
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There is no accounting for human beings. Mark Twain
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When you catch an adjective, kill it - perhaps the best possible advice for budding writers. Mark Twain
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Your friends may love you in private but your enemies will hate you in public. Mark Twain
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