Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961

The Pause; that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, however so felicitous, could accomplish it. Mark Twain

The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit. Mark Twain

Wit, by itself, is of little account. It becomes a moment only when grounded on wisdom. Mark Twain

This editor is a critic. He has pulled out his carving-knife and his tomahawk and is starting after a book which he is going to have for breakfast. Mark Twain

That is a society editor, sitting there elegantly dressed, with his legs crossed in that indolent way, observing the clothes the ladies wear, so that he can describe them for his paper and make them out finer than they are and get bribes for it and become wealthy. Mark Twain

We have an insanity plea that would have saved Cain. Mark Twain

You see, he knew his own laws just as other people so often know the laws: by words, not by effects. They take a meaning, and get to be very vivid, when you come to apply them to yourself. Mark Twain

An American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans. Mark Twain

The funniest things are the forbidden. Mark Twain

So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I am afraid, far more widely distributed. But it has its value, I think. The hard and sordid things of life are too hard and too sordid and too cruel for us to know and touch them year after year without some mitigating influence, some kindly veil to draw over them, from time to time, to blur the craggy outlines, and make the thorns less sharp and the cruelties less malignant. Mark Twain

You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help? Mark Twain

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain

the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider's measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected by it. Mark Twain

You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool. Mark Twain

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain

The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting up their verbs. Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it's all together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But that's just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German. from "Disappearance of Literature Mark Twain

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's. Mark Twain

Learning softeneth the heart and breedeth gentleness and charity. Mark Twain

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. Mark Twain

There is nothing in the world like persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. Mark Twain

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. Mark Twain

Bridgeport?" Said I. "Camelot," Said he. Mark Twain

There are those who imagine that the unlucky accidents of life?life's "experiences"?are in some way useful to us. I wish I could find out how. I never know one of them to happen twice. They always change off and swap around and catch you on your inexperienced side. Mark Twain

Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more. Mark Twain

People who always feel jolly, no matter where they are or what happens to them?who have the organ of hope preposterously developed?who are endowed with an uncongealable sanguine temperament?who never feel concerned about the price of corn?and who cannot, by any possibility, discover any but the bright side of a picture?are very apt to go to extremes, and exaggerate with 40-horse microscopic power. Mark Twain

It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young. Mark Twain

Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke. Mark Twain

an Autobiography is the truest of all books; for while it inevitably consists mainly of extinctions of the truth, shirkings of the truth, partial revealments of the truth, with hardly an instance of plain straight truth, the remorseless truth is there, between the lines, where the author-cat is raking dust upon it which hides from the disinterested spectator neither it nor its smell... the result being that the reader knows the author in spite of his wily diligences. Mark Twain

When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life. Mark Twain

I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain

Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty. Mark Twain

Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. Mark Twain

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE Mark Twain

I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. Mark Twain

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. Mark Twain

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. Mark Twain

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. Mark Twain

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. Mark Twain

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. Mark Twain

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Mark Twain

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. Mark Twain

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Mark Twain

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. Mark Twain

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. Mark Twain

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. Mark Twain

The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. Mark Twain

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a Christian. Mark Twain

My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death. Mark Twain

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. Mark Twain

The Christian Bible is a drug store. It's contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight-scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store's stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time. Mark Twain

The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction. Mark Twain

Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand Mark Twain

Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is wrong. There is no other time. Mark Twain

God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage Mark Twain

I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen. Mark Twain

What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. Mark Twain

... all the modern inconveniences ... Mark Twain

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. Mark Twain

For all the talk you hear about knowledge being such a wonderful thing, instinct is worth forty of it for real unerringness. Mark Twain

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