Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth. Mark Twain
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One gains at least two to three times more experience grabbing the tiger by the tail than reading about it in a book. Mark Twain
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If you can't stand solitude, perhaps others find you boring as well. Mark Twain
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The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer. Mark Twain
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The only people who should use the possessive 'we' are kings, newspaper editors, and persons with tapeworms. Mark Twain
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A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. Mark Twain
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started Mark Twain
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I admire him, I frankly confess it; and when his time is come I shall buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake. Mark Twain
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Supposing is good, but finding out is better. Mark Twain
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When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat. Mark Twain
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We adore titles and heredities in our hearts and ridicule them with our mouths. This is our democratic privilege. Mark Twain
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All gods are better than their reputation. Mark Twain
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More than once I have been humiliated by my resemblance to God the father; He is always longing for the love of His children and trying to get it on the cheapest and laziest terms He can invent. Mark Twain
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That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do. Mark Twain
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He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over. Mark Twain
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The old Irish when immersing a babe at baptism left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting Mark Twain
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If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging? Mark Twain
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It takes me a long time to lose my temper, but once lost I could not find it with a dog. Mark Twain
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That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. Mark Twain
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What's the use you learning to do right , when it's troublesome to do right and it ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? Mark Twain
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For instance, take this sample: he has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race - and of ours - sexual intercourse!It is as if a lost and perishing person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might choose and have all longed-for things but one, and he should elect to leave out water! Mark Twain
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Eventually, I sickened of people, myself included, who didn't think enough of themselves to make something of themselves- people who did only what they had to and never what they could have done. I learned from them the infected loneliness that comes at the end of every misspent day. I knew I could do better. Mark Twain
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Experience, the only logic sure to convince a diseased imagination and restore it to rugged health. Mark Twain
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As one boy said, 'I was thinking all these horrible thoughts about my parents when suddenly it hit me-if they're all that bad, how come I'm so wonderful' Mark Twain
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Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain
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There is only one expert who is qualified to examine the souls and the life of a people and make a valuable report - the native novelist. ... And when a thousand able novels have been written, there you have the soul of the people; and not anywhere else can these be had. Mark Twain
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It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. Mark Twain
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If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon's mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty. If it is loaded my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence and go home. My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in. This seems to me Napoleonic in its grandeur. Mark Twain
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It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off. Mark Twain
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A railroad is like a lie you have to keep building it to make it stand. Mark Twain
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It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others. Mark Twain
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If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. Mark Twain
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In all the ages the Roman Church has owned slaves, bought and sold slaves, authorized and encouraged her children to trade in them. . . . There were the texts; there was no mistaking their meaning; . . . she was doing in all this thing what the Bible had mapped out for her to do. So unassailable was her position that in all the centuries she had no word to say against human slavery. Mark Twain
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When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides? Mark Twain
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I've come loaded with statistics, for I've noticed that a man can't prove anything without statistics. No man can. Mark Twain
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If you're looking for friends when you need them...it's too late. Mark Twain
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Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. Mark Twain
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It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto. Mark Twain
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It has always been a peculiarity of the human race that it keeps two sets of morals in stock-the private and the real, and the public and the artificial. Mark Twain
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It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. Mark Twain
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In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language. Mark Twain
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German. Mark Twain
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I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don't study any more,- I have given it up. Mark Twain
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I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter. Mark Twain
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It is not like studying German, where you mull along, in a groping, uncertain way, for thirty years; and at last, just as you think you've got it, they spring the subjunctive on you, and there you are. No- and I see now plainly enough, that the great pity about the German language is, that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself. There is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business. Mark Twain
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[On Dutch flat poetry]: It is too smooth and blubbery; it reads like butter-milk gurgling from a jug. Mark Twain
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A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential - here was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost...It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster. Mark Twain
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation. Mark Twain
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Humor is man's greatest blessing. Mark Twain
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I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. Mark Twain
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It is agreed, in this country, that if a man can arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies his conscience, it is not incumbent on him to care whether the arrangement is satisfactory to anyone else or not. Mark Twain
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If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out. Mark Twain
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I wrote 'Tom Sawyer' and 'Huck Finn' for adults exclusively, and it always distressed me when I find that boys and girls have been allowed access to them. The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. Mark Twain
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Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth Mark Twain
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If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people Mark Twain
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I'm merely running some errands. This is now off the record. Mark Twain
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It's so damned humiliating. Mark Twain
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Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else. Mark Twain
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We catched fish, and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, drifting down the big still river, laying on our backs looking up at the stars, and we didn't ever feel like talking loud, and it warn't often that we laughed, only a kind of low chuckle. We had mighty good weather, as a general thing, and nothing ever happened to us at all, that night, nor the next, nor the next. Mark Twain
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Just because you're taught that something's right and everyone believes it's right, it don't make it right. Mark Twain
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The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. Mark Twain
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Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of this scene Mark Twain
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Mark Twain
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I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets. Mark Twain
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He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. Mark Twain
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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that but the really great make you feel that you too can become great. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly be that kind of a friend for your friends. Mark Twain
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If you want to change the future, you must change what you're doing in the present. Mark Twain
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I was born with Halley's Comet and I expect to die upon its return Mark Twain
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Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself. Mark Twain
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We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made, or only just happened - Jim he allowed they was made, but I allowed they happened; I judged it would have took too long to make so many. Jim said the moon could a laid them; well that looked kind of reasonable, so I didn't say nothing against it, because I've seen a frog lay most as many, so of course It could be done. Mark Twain
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