Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


People who always feel jolly, no matter where they are or what happens to them?who have the organ of hope preposterously developed?who are endowed with an uncongealable sanguine temperament?who never feel concerned about the price of corn?and who cannot, by any possibility, discover any but the bright side of a picture?are very apt to go to extremes, and exaggerate with 40-horse microscopic power. Mark Twain
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It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young. Mark Twain
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke. Mark Twain
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an Autobiography is the truest of all books; for while it inevitably consists mainly of extinctions of the truth, shirkings of the truth, partial revealments of the truth, with hardly an instance of plain straight truth, the remorseless truth is there, between the lines, where the author-cat is raking dust upon it which hides from the disinterested spectator neither it nor its smell... the result being that the reader knows the author in spite of his wily diligences. Mark Twain
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When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life. Mark Twain
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I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty. Mark Twain
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Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. Mark Twain
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain
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I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain
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Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE Mark Twain
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I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. Mark Twain
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If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a Christian. Mark Twain
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The Christian Bible is a drug store. It's contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight-scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store's stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time. Mark Twain
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The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction. Mark Twain
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... all the modern inconveniences ... Mark Twain
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Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain
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There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. Mark Twain
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You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help? Mark Twain
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Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain
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In religion, India is the only millionaire... the One land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. Mark Twain
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Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval - a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death. Mark Twain
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Presbyterianism without infant damnation would be like the dog on the train that couldn't be identified because it had lost its tag. Mark Twain
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When one's character begins to fall under suspicion and disfavor, how swift, then, is the work of disintegration and destruction. Mark Twain
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I speak French with timidity, and not flowingly-except when excited. When using that language I have often noticed that I have hardly ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except, perhaps, by horses; never, I believe, by people. Mark Twain
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Demagogue-a vessel containing beer and other liquids. Mark Twain
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Geological time is not money. Mark Twain
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We can't always have the beautiful aspect of things. Let us make the most of our sights that are beautiful and let the others go Mark Twain
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Pessimist: The optimist who didn't arrive. Mark Twain
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Men think they think upon the great political questions, and they do; but they think with their party, not independently; they read its literature, but not that of the other side Mark Twain
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But we are all insane, anyway. Note the mountain-climbers. Mark Twain
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No one is sane, straight along, year in and year out, and we all know it. Our insanities are of varying sorts, and express themselves in varying forms-fortunately harmless forms as a rule. Mark Twain
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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess. Mark Twain
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Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one. Mark Twain
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There's plenty of boys that will come hankering and gruvvelling around when you've got an apple, and beg the core off you; but when they're got one, and you beg for the core, and remind them how you give them a core one time, they take a mouth at you, and say thank you 'most to death, but there ain't a-going to be no core. Mark Twain
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Be good and you'll be lonesome Mark Twain
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Do your duty today and repent tomorrow. Mark Twain
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Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are. Mark Twain
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
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The Public is merely a multiplied "me. Mark Twain
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The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter-'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. Mark Twain
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To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology. Mark Twain
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You tell me whar a man gits his corn pone, en I'll tell you what his 'pinions is. Mark Twain
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They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. Mark Twain
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Pilgrim's Progress, about a man that left his family, it didn't say why. I read considerable in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough. Mark Twain
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There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a Dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And You are but a Thought - a vagrant Thought, a useless Thought, a homeless Thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities. Mark Twain
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The bicycle had what is called the 'wabbles', and had them very badly. In order to keep my position, a good many things were required of me, and in every instance the thing required was against nature. Against nature, but not against the laws of nature. Mark Twain
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The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers; Mark Twain
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I started out alone to seek adventures. You don't really have to seek them-that is nothing but a phrase-they come to you. Mark Twain
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Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one-the solitary one-that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices-the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Also-in all the list he is the only creature that has a nasty mind. Mark Twain
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All say, How hard it is that we have to die - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. Mark Twain
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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain
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Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made [man] is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Mark Twain
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The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way. Mark Twain
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Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. Mark Twain
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If we should deal out justice only, in this world, who would escape? No, it is better to be generous, and in the end more profitable, for it gains gratitude for us, and love. Mark Twain
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When a German dives into a sentence, you won't see him again until he emerges at the other end with the verb between his teeth. Mark Twain
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The difference between the almost-right word & the right word is really a large matter-it's the difference between the lightning-bug & the lightning. Mark Twain
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October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. Mark Twain
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I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong, and he says: 'Yes; the little ones does. Mark Twain
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it-and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again-and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. Mark Twain
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[To his wife Olivia, who had repeated his swearing:] You got the words right, Livy, but you don't know the tune. Mark Twain
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A lawyer one day spoke to him [Mark Twain] with his hands in his pockets. 'Is it not a curious sight to see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?' remarked the humorist in his quiet drawl. Mark Twain
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A man can seldom - very, very, seldom - fight a winning fight against his training: the odds are too heavy. Mark Twain
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Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand Mark Twain
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Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is wrong. There is no other time. Mark Twain
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God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage Mark Twain
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I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen. Mark Twain
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What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. Mark Twain
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If you can't stand solitude, perhaps others find you boring as well. Mark Twain
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