Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961

If you can't stand solitude, perhaps others find you boring as well. Mark Twain

The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer. Mark Twain

First catch your Boer, then kick him. Mark Twain

Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer. Mark Twain

Honesty is often the best policy, but sometimes the appearance of it is worth six of it. Mark Twain

It is hard enough luck being a monarch, without being a target also. Mark Twain

The ordinary chestnut can beget a sickly and reluctant laugh, but it takes a horse chestnut to fetch the gorgeous big horse-laugh. Mark Twain

There is this trouble about special providences namely, there is so often a doubt as to which party was intended to be the beneficiary. In the case of the children, the bears, and the prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out of the episode than the prophet did, because they got the children. Mark Twain

If science exterminates a disease which has been working for God, it is God that gets the credit and all the pulpits break into grateful advertising-raptures and call attention to how good he is. Yes, he has done it. Perhaps he waited a thousand years before doing it. They forget to say that he is the slowest mover in the universe, that his Eye That Never Sleeps, might as well, since it takes a century to see what any other eye can see in a week. Mark Twain

Learn from the mistakes of others - you won't live long enough to make them all yourself. He's opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer him the position. Mark Twain

The only people who should use the possessive 'we' are kings, newspaper editors, and persons with tapeworms. Mark Twain

The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works. Mark Twain

Braveness is resistance to concern, mastery of panic - not absense of anxiety. Mark Twain

If I were going to construct a God I would furnish him with some ways and qualities and characteristics which the Present One lacks... He would spend some of His eternities in trying to forgive Himself for making man unhappy when He could have made him happy with the same effort and He would spend the rest of them in studying astronomy. Mark Twain

I could be an idiot, or I can serve in Congress, but I repeat myself. Mark Twain

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is finer. Mark Twain

When angry, count to a hundred. Mark Twain

Reputation is a hall-mark: it can remove doubt from pure silver, and it can also make the plated article pass for pure. Mark Twain

I will gradually drop this subject of graveyards. I have been trying all I could to get down to the sentimental part of it, but I cannot accomplish it. I think there is no genuinely sentimental part to it. It is all grotesque, ghastly, horrible. Mark Twain

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happinesses to the unhappy. Mark Twain

There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence. Mark Twain

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth. Mark Twain

One gains at least two to three times more experience grabbing the tiger by the tail than reading about it in a book. Mark Twain

God cures and the doctor sends the bill. Mark Twain

Ignorance is not, not knowing something. It is knowing what isn't so. Mark Twain

To gnaw on is human, towards digest, divine. Mark Twain

If ever you've been down in the dumps, hear these iconic authors share with you more than their writing wisdom. Mark Twain

Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one-the solitary one-that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices-the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Also-in all the list he is the only creature that has a nasty mind. Mark Twain

All say, How hard it is that we have to die - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. Mark Twain

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain

Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made [man] is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Mark Twain

The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way. Mark Twain

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. Mark Twain

If we should deal out justice only, in this world, who would escape? No, it is better to be generous, and in the end more profitable, for it gains gratitude for us, and love. Mark Twain

When a German dives into a sentence, you won't see him again until he emerges at the other end with the verb between his teeth. Mark Twain

The difference between the almost-right word & the right word is really a large matter-it's the difference between the lightning-bug & the lightning. Mark Twain

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. Mark Twain

I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong, and he says: 'Yes; the little ones does. Mark Twain

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it-and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again-and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. Mark Twain

[To his wife Olivia, who had repeated his swearing:] You got the words right, Livy, but you don't know the tune. Mark Twain

A lawyer one day spoke to him [Mark Twain] with his hands in his pockets. 'Is it not a curious sight to see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?' remarked the humorist in his quiet drawl. Mark Twain

A man can seldom - very, very, seldom - fight a winning fight against his training: the odds are too heavy. Mark Twain

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are. Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain

The Public is merely a multiplied "me. Mark Twain

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter-'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. Mark Twain

To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology. Mark Twain

You tell me whar a man gits his corn pone, en I'll tell you what his 'pinions is. Mark Twain

They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. Mark Twain

Pilgrim's Progress, about a man that left his family, it didn't say why. I read considerable in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough. Mark Twain

There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a Dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And You are but a Thought - a vagrant Thought, a useless Thought, a homeless Thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities. Mark Twain

The bicycle had what is called the 'wabbles', and had them very badly. In order to keep my position, a good many things were required of me, and in every instance the thing required was against nature. Against nature, but not against the laws of nature. Mark Twain

The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers; Mark Twain

I started out alone to seek adventures. You don't really have to seek them-that is nothing but a phrase-they come to you. Mark Twain

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. Mark Twain

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. Mark Twain

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that make horseraces. Mark Twain

India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire. Mark Twain

Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial we. Mark Twain

I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerk's factory... Mark Twain

As a thinker and planner the ant is the equal of any savage race of men; as a self-educated specialist in several arts she is the superior of any savage race of men; and in one or two high mental qualities she is above the reach of any man... Mark Twain

To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else - these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other ecstacies cheap and trivial. Mark Twain

An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces. Mark Twain

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be be under it, inspiring the cabbages. Mark Twain

I find that the further I go back, the better things, whether they happened or not. Mark Twain

I'm glad that the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner. Mark Twain

It is nobler to be good, and it is nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble! Mark Twain

Most people are bothered by scripture they don't understand, but what bothers me are those I do understand. Mark Twain

It was the schoolboy who said, Faith is believing what you know ain't so. Mark Twain

Now, what I contend is that my body is my own, at least I have always so regarded it. If I do harm through my experimenting with it, it is I who suffer, not the state. Mark Twain

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