Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. Mark Twain
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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. So many look to eradicate fear from their lives, when that is an impossible task. You can certainly experience moments in absence of fear, however accept that fear will be with you whenever you are in the process of living creatively. The challenge is to go ahead regardless, simply notice the feeling and manage being courageous. Mark Twain
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All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it. Mark Twain
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Medicine has made all its progress during the past fifty years. ... How many operations that are now in use were known fifty years ago?-they were not operations, they were executions. Mark Twain
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I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals. Mark Twain
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Strange a God who mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness, then invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none Himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon Himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship Him! Mark Twain
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If you have nothing to say, say nothing. Mark Twain
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Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do - and didn't save many, anyway. But if he had been damned for the race, that would have been act of a size proper to a god, and would have saved the whole race. Mark Twain
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In religion, India is the only millionaire... the One land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. Mark Twain
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Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval - a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death. Mark Twain
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The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. Mark Twain
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Everybody lies...every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception. Mark Twain
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I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. Mark Twain
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The two Testaments are interesting, each in its own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, the other one gives us a picture of him as he appeared afterward. Mark Twain
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Custom is custom: it is built of brass, boiler-iron, granite; facts, reasonings, arguments have no more effect upon it than the idle winds have upon Gibraltar. Mark Twain
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When an honest writer discovers an imposition it is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down from its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it; any other course would render him unworthy of the public confidence. Mark Twain
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In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man Mark Twain
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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. Mark Twain
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Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain
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Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
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Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain
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Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain
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Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Mark Twain
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
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The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. Mark Twain
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Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. Mark Twain
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When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. Mark Twain
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My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. Mark Twain
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I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Mark Twain
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Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain
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A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. Mark Twain
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What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Mark Twain
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There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. Mark Twain
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To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. Mark Twain
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It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. Mark Twain
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. Mark Twain
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The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. Mark Twain
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. Mark Twain
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There is nothing in the world like persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. Mark Twain
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Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. Mark Twain
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Bridgeport?" Said I. "Camelot," Said he. Mark Twain
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There are those who imagine that the unlucky accidents of life?life's "experiences"?are in some way useful to us. I wish I could find out how. I never know one of them to happen twice. They always change off and swap around and catch you on your inexperienced side. Mark Twain
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Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more. Mark Twain
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People who always feel jolly, no matter where they are or what happens to them?who have the organ of hope preposterously developed?who are endowed with an uncongealable sanguine temperament?who never feel concerned about the price of corn?and who cannot, by any possibility, discover any but the bright side of a picture?are very apt to go to extremes, and exaggerate with 40-horse microscopic power. Mark Twain
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It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young. Mark Twain
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke. Mark Twain
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an Autobiography is the truest of all books; for while it inevitably consists mainly of extinctions of the truth, shirkings of the truth, partial revealments of the truth, with hardly an instance of plain straight truth, the remorseless truth is there, between the lines, where the author-cat is raking dust upon it which hides from the disinterested spectator neither it nor its smell... the result being that the reader knows the author in spite of his wily diligences. Mark Twain
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When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life. Mark Twain
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I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty. Mark Twain
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Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. Mark Twain
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain
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I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain
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Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE Mark Twain
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I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. Mark Twain
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If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a Christian. Mark Twain
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My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death. Mark Twain
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Humor is tragedy plus time. Mark Twain
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Names are not always what they seem. Mark Twain
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High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water; but everybody likes water. Mark Twain
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All men have heard of the Mormon Bible, but few except the "elect" have seen it, or, at least, taken the trouble to read it. I brought away a copy from Salt Lake. The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a pretentious affair, and yet so "slow," so sleepy; such an insipid mess of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this book, the act was a miracle - keeping awake while he did it was, at any rate. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as a new idea. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. Mark Twain
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... all the modern inconveniences ... Mark Twain
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Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain
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There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. Mark Twain
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You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help? Mark Twain
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Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain
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the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider's measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected by it. Mark Twain
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You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool. Mark Twain
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Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. Mark Twain
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