Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others. Mark Twain
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If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. Mark Twain
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If you're looking for friends when you need them...it's too late. Mark Twain
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Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. Mark Twain
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It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto. Mark Twain
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It has always been a peculiarity of the human race that it keeps two sets of morals in stock-the private and the real, and the public and the artificial. Mark Twain
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It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. Mark Twain
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In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language. Mark Twain
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German. Mark Twain
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I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don't study any more,- I have given it up. Mark Twain
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I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter. Mark Twain
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It is not like studying German, where you mull along, in a groping, uncertain way, for thirty years; and at last, just as you think you've got it, they spring the subjunctive on you, and there you are. No- and I see now plainly enough, that the great pity about the German language is, that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself. There is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business. Mark Twain
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[On Dutch flat poetry]: It is too smooth and blubbery; it reads like butter-milk gurgling from a jug. Mark Twain
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A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential - here was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost...It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster. Mark Twain
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation. Mark Twain
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Humor is man's greatest blessing. Mark Twain
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I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. Mark Twain
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It is agreed, in this country, that if a man can arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies his conscience, it is not incumbent on him to care whether the arrangement is satisfactory to anyone else or not. Mark Twain
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Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth Mark Twain
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If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people Mark Twain
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I'm merely running some errands. This is now off the record. Mark Twain
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Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself. Mark Twain
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If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out. Mark Twain
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I wrote 'Tom Sawyer' and 'Huck Finn' for adults exclusively, and it always distressed me when I find that boys and girls have been allowed access to them. The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. Mark Twain
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In all the ages the Roman Church has owned slaves, bought and sold slaves, authorized and encouraged her children to trade in them. . . . There were the texts; there was no mistaking their meaning; . . . she was doing in all this thing what the Bible had mapped out for her to do. So unassailable was her position that in all the centuries she had no word to say against human slavery. Mark Twain
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When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides? Mark Twain
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I've come loaded with statistics, for I've noticed that a man can't prove anything without statistics. No man can. Mark Twain
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It's so damned humiliating. Mark Twain
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Pessimist: The optimist who didn't arrive. Mark Twain
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Men think they think upon the great political questions, and they do; but they think with their party, not independently; they read its literature, but not that of the other side Mark Twain
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But we are all insane, anyway. Note the mountain-climbers. Mark Twain
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No one is sane, straight along, year in and year out, and we all know it. Our insanities are of varying sorts, and express themselves in varying forms-fortunately harmless forms as a rule. Mark Twain
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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess. Mark Twain
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Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one. Mark Twain
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There's plenty of boys that will come hankering and gruvvelling around when you've got an apple, and beg the core off you; but when they're got one, and you beg for the core, and remind them how you give them a core one time, they take a mouth at you, and say thank you 'most to death, but there ain't a-going to be no core. Mark Twain
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Be good and you'll be lonesome Mark Twain
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The Christian Bible is a drug store. It's contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight-scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store's stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time. Mark Twain
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The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction. Mark Twain
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He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over. Mark Twain
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The old Irish when immersing a babe at baptism left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting Mark Twain
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If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging? Mark Twain
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It takes me a long time to lose my temper, but once lost I could not find it with a dog. Mark Twain
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That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. Mark Twain
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What's the use you learning to do right , when it's troublesome to do right and it ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? Mark Twain
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For instance, take this sample: he has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race - and of ours - sexual intercourse!It is as if a lost and perishing person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might choose and have all longed-for things but one, and he should elect to leave out water! Mark Twain
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Eventually, I sickened of people, myself included, who didn't think enough of themselves to make something of themselves- people who did only what they had to and never what they could have done. I learned from them the infected loneliness that comes at the end of every misspent day. I knew I could do better. Mark Twain
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I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets. Mark Twain
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He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. Mark Twain
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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that but the really great make you feel that you too can become great. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly be that kind of a friend for your friends. Mark Twain
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If you want to change the future, you must change what you're doing in the present. Mark Twain
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I was born with Halley's Comet and I expect to die upon its return Mark Twain
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Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself. Mark Twain
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We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made, or only just happened - Jim he allowed they was made, but I allowed they happened; I judged it would have took too long to make so many. Jim said the moon could a laid them; well that looked kind of reasonable, so I didn't say nothing against it, because I've seen a frog lay most as many, so of course It could be done. Mark Twain
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Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else. Mark Twain
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We catched fish, and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, drifting down the big still river, laying on our backs looking up at the stars, and we didn't ever feel like talking loud, and it warn't often that we laughed, only a kind of low chuckle. We had mighty good weather, as a general thing, and nothing ever happened to us at all, that night, nor the next, nor the next. Mark Twain
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As soon as a man recognizes that he has drifted into age, he gets reminiscent. He wants to talk and talk; and not about the present or the future, but about his old times. For there is where the pathos of his life lies - and the charm of it. The pathos of it is there because it was opulent with treasures that are gone, and the charm of it is in casting them up from the musty ledgers and remembering how rich and gracious they were. Mark Twain
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Man has been here 32,000 years. That it took a hundred million years to prepare the world for him is proof that that is what it was done for. I suppose it is, I dunno. If The Eiffel Tower were now to represent the world's age, the skin of paint on the pinnacle knob at its summit would represent man's share of that age; and anybody would perceive that the skin was what the tower was built for. I reckon they would, I dunno. Mark Twain
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Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast. Mark Twain
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The average American's simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak. Mark Twain
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Never let formal education get in the way of your learning. Mark Twain
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But we are all insane, anyway ... The suicides seem to be the only sane people. Mark Twain
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An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it. Mark Twain
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I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land. Mark Twain
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The law of work seems unfair, but nothing can change it; the more enjoyment you get out of your work, the more money you will make. Mark Twain
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Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness. Mark Twain
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That is a simple rule, and easy to remember. When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane; not in all things, but in religious matters. Mark Twain
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Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. Mark Twain
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We write frankly and freely, but then we modify before we print. Mark Twain
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Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. Mark Twain
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His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. Mark Twain
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