Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals. Mark Twain
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Strange a God who mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness, then invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none Himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon Himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship Him! Mark Twain
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If you have nothing to say, say nothing. Mark Twain
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Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do - and didn't save many, anyway. But if he had been damned for the race, that would have been act of a size proper to a god, and would have saved the whole race. Mark Twain
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Mark Twain
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That optimist of yours is always ready to turn hell's backyard into a play-ground. Mark Twain
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Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain
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There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. Mark Twain
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You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help? Mark Twain
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Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain
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the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider's measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected by it. Mark Twain
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You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool. Mark Twain
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Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain
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The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting up their verbs. Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it's all together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But that's just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German. from "Disappearance of Literature Mark Twain
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The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's. Mark Twain
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Learning softeneth the heart and breedeth gentleness and charity. Mark Twain
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. Mark Twain
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There is nothing in the world like persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. Mark Twain
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Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. Mark Twain
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Bridgeport?" Said I. "Camelot," Said he. Mark Twain
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There are those who imagine that the unlucky accidents of life?life's "experiences"?are in some way useful to us. I wish I could find out how. I never know one of them to happen twice. They always change off and swap around and catch you on your inexperienced side. Mark Twain
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Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more. Mark Twain
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People who always feel jolly, no matter where they are or what happens to them?who have the organ of hope preposterously developed?who are endowed with an uncongealable sanguine temperament?who never feel concerned about the price of corn?and who cannot, by any possibility, discover any but the bright side of a picture?are very apt to go to extremes, and exaggerate with 40-horse microscopic power. Mark Twain
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It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young. Mark Twain
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke. Mark Twain
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an Autobiography is the truest of all books; for while it inevitably consists mainly of extinctions of the truth, shirkings of the truth, partial revealments of the truth, with hardly an instance of plain straight truth, the remorseless truth is there, between the lines, where the author-cat is raking dust upon it which hides from the disinterested spectator neither it nor its smell... the result being that the reader knows the author in spite of his wily diligences. Mark Twain
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When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life. Mark Twain
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I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty. Mark Twain
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Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. Mark Twain
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain
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I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain
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Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE Mark Twain
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I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. Mark Twain
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In religion, India is the only millionaire... the One land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. Mark Twain
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Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval - a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death. Mark Twain
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The writing begins when you've finished. Only then do you know what you're trying to say. Mark Twain
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I have been reading the morning paper. I do it every morning-knowing well that I shall find in it the usual depravities and basenesses and hypocrisies and cruelties that make up civilization, and cause me to put in the rest of the day pleading for the damnation of the human race. I cannot seem to get my prayers answered, yet I do not despair. Mark Twain
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There is no salvation for us but to adopt Civilization and lift ourselves down to its level. Mark Twain
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The peoples furthest from civilization are the ones where equality between man and woman are furthest apart-and we consider this one of the signs of savagery. Mark Twain
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Strip the human race, absolutely naked, and it would be a real democracy. But the introduction of even a rag of tiger skin, or a cowtail, could make a badge of distinction and be the beginning of a monarchy. Mark Twain
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The secret of making progress is to get started. Mark Twain
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Experience is an author's most valuable asset; experience is the thing that puts the muscle and the breath and the warm blood into the book he writes. Mark Twain
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Saturday morning was come, and all the summer world was bright and fresh, and brimming with life. There was a song in every heart; and if the heart was young, the music issued at the lips. There was cheer in every face and a spring in every step. The locust-trees were in bloom, and the fragrance of the blossoms filled the air. Cardiff Hill, beyond the village and above, it was green with vegetation, and it lay just far enough away to seem a Delectable Land, dreamy, reposeful, and inviting. Mark Twain
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His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the whole idea at once. Mark Twain
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One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke. Mark Twain
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There is nothing training can't cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. Mark Twain
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But the elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time. Mark Twain
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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twain
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It is better to be alone than unwelcome. - Eve Mark Twain
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I am only human, although I regret it. Mark Twain
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I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead. Mark Twain
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Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life. Mark Twain
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A great, great deal has been said about the weather, but very little has ever been done. Mark Twain
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Don't wait the time is never just right. Mark Twain
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Love heightens all senses - except the common. Mark Twain
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The Christian Bible is a drug store. It's contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight-scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store's stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time. Mark Twain
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The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction. Mark Twain
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But old fools is the biggest fools there is. Mark Twain
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Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do? Mark Twain
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We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race. Mark Twain
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A good legible label is usually worth, for information, a ton of significant attitude and expression in a historical picture. Mark Twain
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We Americans worship the almighty dollar! Well, it is a worthier god than Heredity Privilege. Mark Twain
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To my mind that literature is best and most enduring which is characterized by a noble simplicity. Mark Twain
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Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind. Mark Twain
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Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself. Mark Twain
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Presbyterianism without infant damnation would be like the dog on the train that couldn't be identified because it had lost its tag. Mark Twain
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When one's character begins to fall under suspicion and disfavor, how swift, then, is the work of disintegration and destruction. Mark Twain
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I speak French with timidity, and not flowingly-except when excited. When using that language I have often noticed that I have hardly ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except, perhaps, by horses; never, I believe, by people. Mark Twain
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Demagogue-a vessel containing beer and other liquids. Mark Twain
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