Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting up their verbs. Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it's all together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But that's just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German. from "Disappearance of Literature Mark Twain
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The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's. Mark Twain
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Learning softeneth the heart and breedeth gentleness and charity. Mark Twain
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. Mark Twain
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There is nothing in the world like persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. Mark Twain
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Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. Mark Twain
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Bridgeport?" Said I. "Camelot," Said he. Mark Twain
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There are those who imagine that the unlucky accidents of life?life's "experiences"?are in some way useful to us. I wish I could find out how. I never know one of them to happen twice. They always change off and swap around and catch you on your inexperienced side. Mark Twain
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Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more. Mark Twain
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People who always feel jolly, no matter where they are or what happens to them?who have the organ of hope preposterously developed?who are endowed with an uncongealable sanguine temperament?who never feel concerned about the price of corn?and who cannot, by any possibility, discover any but the bright side of a picture?are very apt to go to extremes, and exaggerate with 40-horse microscopic power. Mark Twain
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It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young. Mark Twain
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke. Mark Twain
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an Autobiography is the truest of all books; for while it inevitably consists mainly of extinctions of the truth, shirkings of the truth, partial revealments of the truth, with hardly an instance of plain straight truth, the remorseless truth is there, between the lines, where the author-cat is raking dust upon it which hides from the disinterested spectator neither it nor its smell... the result being that the reader knows the author in spite of his wily diligences. Mark Twain
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When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life. Mark Twain
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I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty. Mark Twain
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Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. Mark Twain
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain
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I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain
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Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE Mark Twain
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I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. Mark Twain
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The Christian Bible is a drug store. It's contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight-scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store's stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time. Mark Twain
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The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction. Mark Twain
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Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand Mark Twain
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Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is wrong. There is no other time. Mark Twain
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God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage Mark Twain
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I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen. Mark Twain
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What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. Mark Twain
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... all the modern inconveniences ... Mark Twain
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Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain
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There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. Mark Twain
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Unused talents gives you no advantage over someone who has no talent at all. Mark Twain
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That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do. Mark Twain
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He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over. Mark Twain
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The old Irish when immersing a babe at baptism left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting Mark Twain
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If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging? Mark Twain
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Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else. Mark Twain
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We catched fish, and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, drifting down the big still river, laying on our backs looking up at the stars, and we didn't ever feel like talking loud, and it warn't often that we laughed, only a kind of low chuckle. We had mighty good weather, as a general thing, and nothing ever happened to us at all, that night, nor the next, nor the next. Mark Twain
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The writing begins when you've finished. Only then do you know what you're trying to say. Mark Twain
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If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a Christian. Mark Twain
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My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death. Mark Twain
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Don't wait the time is never just right. Mark Twain
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Love heightens all senses - except the common. Mark Twain
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Just because you're taught that something's right and everyone believes it's right, it don't make it right. Mark Twain
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You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help? Mark Twain
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Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain
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the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider's measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected by it. Mark Twain
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You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool. Mark Twain
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Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Mark Twain
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That optimist of yours is always ready to turn hell's backyard into a play-ground. Mark Twain
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Experience, the only logic sure to convince a diseased imagination and restore it to rugged health. Mark Twain
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As one boy said, 'I was thinking all these horrible thoughts about my parents when suddenly it hit me-if they're all that bad, how come I'm so wonderful' Mark Twain
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Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain
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There is only one expert who is qualified to examine the souls and the life of a people and make a valuable report - the native novelist. ... And when a thousand able novels have been written, there you have the soul of the people; and not anywhere else can these be had. Mark Twain
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It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. Mark Twain
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If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon's mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty. If it is loaded my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence and go home. My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in. This seems to me Napoleonic in its grandeur. Mark Twain
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It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off. Mark Twain
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A railroad is like a lie you have to keep building it to make it stand. Mark Twain
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It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others. Mark Twain
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If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. Mark Twain
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If you're looking for friends when you need them...it's too late. Mark Twain
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Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. Mark Twain
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It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto. Mark Twain
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It has always been a peculiarity of the human race that it keeps two sets of morals in stock-the private and the real, and the public and the artificial. Mark Twain
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It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. Mark Twain
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In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language. Mark Twain
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German. Mark Twain
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I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don't study any more,- I have given it up. Mark Twain
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I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter. Mark Twain
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