Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


The old saw says - 'Let a sleeping dog lie.' Experience knows better; experience says, If you want to convince do it yourself. Mark Twain
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After my marriage she edited everything I wrote. And what is more, she not only edited my works, she edited me. Mark Twain
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You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere. Lee Iacocca Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Mark Twain
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A powerful agent is the right word: it lights the reader's way and makes it plain. Mark Twain
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain
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In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. Mark Twain
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. Mark Twain
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I asked tom if countries always apologize when they had done wrong, and he says, 'Yes, the little one does. Mark Twain
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain
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In the matter of intellect the ant must be a strangely overrated bird. During many summers, now, I have watched him, when I ought to have been in better business, and I have not yet come across a living ant that seemed to have any more sense than a dead one. I refer to the ordinary ant, of course; I have had no experience of those wonderful Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies, hold slaves, and dispute about religion. Mark Twain
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Adam was but human-this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent: then he would have eaten the serpent. Mark Twain
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Thanksgiving Day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as 'the Queen's English.' The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! Mark Twain
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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford to, and when he can. Mark Twain
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[Man] has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race- and of ours-sexual intercourse! It is as if a lost and perishing person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might choose and have all longed for things but one, and he should elect to leave out water! Mark Twain
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Twenty-four years ago I was strangely handsome; in San Francisco in the rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather. Mark Twain
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We [Americans] are the lavishest and showiest and most luxury-loving people on the earth; and at our masthead we fly one true and honest symbol, the gaudiest flag the world has ever seen. Mark Twain
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A person [Satan] who has during all time maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of fourfifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilities of the loftiest order. Mark Twain
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Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word. Consider the flea! - incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Mark Twain
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There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain
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O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded... Mark Twain
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Don't you worry, and don't you hurry.'I know that phrase by heart, and if all other music should perish out of the world it would still sing to me. Mark Twain
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A coin, sleeve button, or a collar button dropped in a bedroom will hide itself and be hard to find. A handkerchief in bed 'can't' be found. Mark Twain
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Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law. Mark Twain
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I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct - nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying. Mark Twain
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He had had much experience of physicians, and said, the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. Mark Twain
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If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people. Mark Twain
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Man is a museum of diseases, a home of impurities; he comes today and is gone tomorrow; he begins as dirt and departs as stench. Mark Twain
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My advice to women is: First, don't smoke - to excess; Second, don't drink - to excess; Third, don't marry - to excess. Mark Twain
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Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. Mark Twain
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Modesty antedates clothes and will be resumed when clothes are no more. Modesty died when clothes were born. Modesty died when false modesty was born. Mark Twain
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Pilgrim's Progress, about a man who left his family, it didn't say why. The statements was interesting, but tough. Mark Twain
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Rail-splitting produced an unparalleled president in Lincoln. But gold hasn't produced even a good A-1 congressman. Mark Twain
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The only way to stay healthy is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
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There is a great deal of human nature in people. Mark Twain
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Tonight I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics. Mark Twain
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain
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We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world. Mark Twain
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When a man's dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama. Mark Twain
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So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldn't find honest employment. Mark Twain
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History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot. Mark Twain
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The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people but if we tried to shut up the insane we would run out of building materials. Mark Twain
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I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering, and that was the fact that it is past-can't be restored. Mark Twain
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All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten. Mark Twain
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Mark Twain
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That optimist of yours is always ready to turn hell's backyard into a play-ground. Mark Twain
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Experience, the only logic sure to convince a diseased imagination and restore it to rugged health. Mark Twain
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As one boy said, 'I was thinking all these horrible thoughts about my parents when suddenly it hit me-if they're all that bad, how come I'm so wonderful' Mark Twain
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Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain
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There is only one expert who is qualified to examine the souls and the life of a people and make a valuable report - the native novelist. ... And when a thousand able novels have been written, there you have the soul of the people; and not anywhere else can these be had. Mark Twain
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It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. Mark Twain
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If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon's mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty. If it is loaded my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence and go home. My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in. This seems to me Napoleonic in its grandeur. Mark Twain
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It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off. Mark Twain
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A railroad is like a lie you have to keep building it to make it stand. Mark Twain
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It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others. Mark Twain
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If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. Mark Twain
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If you're looking for friends when you need them...it's too late. Mark Twain
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Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. Mark Twain
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It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto. Mark Twain
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It has always been a peculiarity of the human race that it keeps two sets of morals in stock-the private and the real, and the public and the artificial. Mark Twain
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It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. Mark Twain
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In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language. Mark Twain
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German. Mark Twain
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I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don't study any more,- I have given it up. Mark Twain
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I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter. Mark Twain
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It is not like studying German, where you mull along, in a groping, uncertain way, for thirty years; and at last, just as you think you've got it, they spring the subjunctive on you, and there you are. No- and I see now plainly enough, that the great pity about the German language is, that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself. There is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business. Mark Twain
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[On Dutch flat poetry]: It is too smooth and blubbery; it reads like butter-milk gurgling from a jug. Mark Twain
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A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential - here was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost...It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster. Mark Twain
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation. Mark Twain
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Humor is man's greatest blessing. Mark Twain
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