Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


What is the real function, the essential function, the supreme function, of language? Isn't it merely to convey ideas and emotions? Certainly. Then if we can do it with words of fonetic brevity and compactness, why keep the present cumbersome forms? Mark Twain
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It's better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right Mark Twain
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A person who has a cat by the tail knows a whole lot more about cats than someone who has just read about them. Mark Twain
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...we all know that in all matters of mere opinion that [every] man is insane-just as insane as we are...we know exactly where to put our finger upon his insanity: it is where his opinion differs from ours....All Democrats are insane, but not one of them knows it. None but the Republicans. All the Republicans are insane, but only the Democrats can perceive it. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain
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Never mistake motion for progress. Mark Twain
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain
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In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. Mark Twain
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. Mark Twain
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I asked tom if countries always apologize when they had done wrong, and he says, 'Yes, the little one does. Mark Twain
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain
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In the matter of intellect the ant must be a strangely overrated bird. During many summers, now, I have watched him, when I ought to have been in better business, and I have not yet come across a living ant that seemed to have any more sense than a dead one. I refer to the ordinary ant, of course; I have had no experience of those wonderful Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies, hold slaves, and dispute about religion. Mark Twain
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Adam was but human-this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent: then he would have eaten the serpent. Mark Twain
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Thanksgiving Day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as 'the Queen's English.' The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! Mark Twain
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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford to, and when he can. Mark Twain
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[Man] has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race- and of ours-sexual intercourse! It is as if a lost and perishing person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might choose and have all longed for things but one, and he should elect to leave out water! Mark Twain
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Twenty-four years ago I was strangely handsome; in San Francisco in the rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather. Mark Twain
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There is one notable thing about our Christianity: bad, bloody, merciless, money-grabbing, and predatory. The invention of hell measured by our Christianity of today, bad as it is, hypocritical as it is, empty and hollow as it is, neither the deity nor his son is a Christian, nor qualified for that moderately high place. Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilled. Mark Twain
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Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word. Consider the flea! - incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Mark Twain
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There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain
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O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded... Mark Twain
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Don't you worry, and don't you hurry.'I know that phrase by heart, and if all other music should perish out of the world it would still sing to me. Mark Twain
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A coin, sleeve button, or a collar button dropped in a bedroom will hide itself and be hard to find. A handkerchief in bed 'can't' be found. Mark Twain
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Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law. Mark Twain
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I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct - nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying. Mark Twain
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He had had much experience of physicians, and said, the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. Mark Twain
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If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people. Mark Twain
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Man is a museum of diseases, a home of impurities; he comes today and is gone tomorrow; he begins as dirt and departs as stench. Mark Twain
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My advice to women is: First, don't smoke - to excess; Second, don't drink - to excess; Third, don't marry - to excess. Mark Twain
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Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. Mark Twain
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Modesty antedates clothes and will be resumed when clothes are no more. Modesty died when clothes were born. Modesty died when false modesty was born. Mark Twain
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Pilgrim's Progress, about a man who left his family, it didn't say why. The statements was interesting, but tough. Mark Twain
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Rail-splitting produced an unparalleled president in Lincoln. But gold hasn't produced even a good A-1 congressman. Mark Twain
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The only way to stay healthy is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
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There is a great deal of human nature in people. Mark Twain
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Tonight I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics. Mark Twain
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain
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We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world. Mark Twain
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When a man's dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama. Mark Twain
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So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldn't find honest employment. Mark Twain
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History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot. Mark Twain
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The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people but if we tried to shut up the insane we would run out of building materials. Mark Twain
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We [Americans] are the lavishest and showiest and most luxury-loving people on the earth; and at our masthead we fly one true and honest symbol, the gaudiest flag the world has ever seen. Mark Twain
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A person [Satan] who has during all time maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of fourfifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilities of the loftiest order. Mark Twain
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The funniest things are the forbidden. Mark Twain
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So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I am afraid, far more widely distributed. But it has its value, I think. The hard and sordid things of life are too hard and too sordid and too cruel for us to know and touch them year after year without some mitigating influence, some kindly veil to draw over them, from time to time, to blur the craggy outlines, and make the thorns less sharp and the cruelties less malignant. Mark Twain
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Information appears to stew out of me naturally, like the precious otter of roses out of the otter. Mark Twain
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What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes "my dear," and "my love" come from the heart; but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk? Mark Twain
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Men and women - even man and wife are foreigners. Each has reserves that the other cannot enter into, nor understand. These have the effect of frontiers. Mark Twain
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...majority Patriotism is the customary Patriotism. Mark Twain
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There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land (and work) again after a cheerful, careless voyage. Mark Twain
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As soon as a man recognizes that he has drifted into age, he gets reminiscent. He wants to talk and talk; and not about the present or the future, but about his old times. For there is where the pathos of his life lies - and the charm of it. The pathos of it is there because it was opulent with treasures that are gone, and the charm of it is in casting them up from the musty ledgers and remembering how rich and gracious they were. Mark Twain
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Man has been here 32,000 years. That it took a hundred million years to prepare the world for him is proof that that is what it was done for. I suppose it is, I dunno. If The Eiffel Tower were now to represent the world's age, the skin of paint on the pinnacle knob at its summit would represent man's share of that age; and anybody would perceive that the skin was what the tower was built for. I reckon they would, I dunno. Mark Twain
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Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast. Mark Twain
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The average American's simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak. Mark Twain
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Never let formal education get in the way of your learning. Mark Twain
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But we are all insane, anyway ... The suicides seem to be the only sane people. Mark Twain
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An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it. Mark Twain
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I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land. Mark Twain
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The law of work seems unfair, but nothing can change it; the more enjoyment you get out of your work, the more money you will make. Mark Twain
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Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness. Mark Twain
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That is a simple rule, and easy to remember. When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane; not in all things, but in religious matters. Mark Twain
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Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. Mark Twain
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We write frankly and freely, but then we modify before we print. Mark Twain
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Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. Mark Twain
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His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. Mark Twain
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The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. Mark Twain
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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. So many look to eradicate fear from their lives, when that is an impossible task. You can certainly experience moments in absence of fear, however accept that fear will be with you whenever you are in the process of living creatively. The challenge is to go ahead regardless, simply notice the feeling and manage being courageous. Mark Twain
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All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it. Mark Twain
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Medicine has made all its progress during the past fifty years. ... How many operations that are now in use were known fifty years ago?-they were not operations, they were executions. Mark Twain
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