Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


I am dead to adverbs; they cannot excite me. To misplace an adverb is a thing which I am able to do with frozen indifference; it can never give me a pang. There are subtleties which I cannot master at all - they confuse me, they mean absolutely nothing to me - and this adverb plague is one of them. Mark Twain
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I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography. Mark Twain
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Perfect grammar - persistent, continuous, sustained - is the fourth dimension, so to speak; many have sought it, but none has found it. Mark Twain
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We had an abundance of mangoes, papaias and bananas here, but the pride of the islands, the most delicious fruit known to men, cherimoya, was not in season. It has a soft pulp, like a pawpaw, and is eaten with a spoon. Mark Twain
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The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories- and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. Mark Twain
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While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats. Mark Twain
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain
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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word. Consider the flea! - incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Mark Twain
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It was the schoolboy who said, ""Faith is believing what you know ain't so."" Mark Twain
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I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. Mark Twain
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We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true-humor. Mark Twain
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By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved. Mark Twain
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Switzerland would me a mighty big place if it were ironed flat. Mark Twain
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One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning. Mark Twain
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Conscience, man's moral medicine chest. Mark Twain
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Do something everyday that you don't want to do. Mark Twain
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All you drunkards: Put down the intoxicating Vanity Metrics. Mark Twain
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Be virtuous and you will be eccentric. Mark Twain
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It makes one hope and believe that a day will come when, in the eye of the law, literary property will be as sacred as whiskey, or any other of the necessaries of life. It grieves me to think how far more profound and reverent a respect the law would have for literature if a body could only get drunk on it. Mark Twain
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A wanton waste of projectiles. Mark Twain
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He could charm an audience an hour on a stretch without ever getting rid of an idea. Mark Twain
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Adam and Eve entered the world naked and unashamed - naked and pure-minded. And no descendant of theirs has ever entered it otherwise. All have entered it naked, unashamed, and clean in mind. They entered it modest. They had to acquire immodesty in the soiled mind, there was no other way to get it. ... The convention mis-called "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anyone's whim - anyone's diseased caprice. Mark Twain
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There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule-and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
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There is not a single celebrated Southern name in any of the departments of human industry except those of war, assassination, lynching, murder, the duel, repudiation, & massacre. Mark Twain
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I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way. Mark Twain
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I have carried a revolver; lots of us do, but they are the most innocent things in the world. Mark Twain
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I should have been glad to acquire some sort of idea of Hindu theology, ... but the difficulties were too great. Mark Twain
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Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals. Mark Twain
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We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books- theoretically at least. Mark Twain
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The Church worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch - the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. Mark Twain
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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes; when bad, he is entitled to none at all. Mark Twain
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I am trying to get the hang of this new fangled writing machine, but I am not making a shining success of it. However, this is the first attempt I have ever made & yet I perceive I shall soon & easily acquire a fine facility in its use. ... The machine has several virtues. I believe it will print faster than I can write. One may lean back in his chair & work it. It piles an awful stack of words on one page. It don't muss things or scatter ink blots around. Of course it saves paper. Mark Twain
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I have learned that there lies dormant in the souls of all men a penchant for some particular musical instrument an an unsuspected yearning to play on it, which are bound to wake up an demand attention someday. Therefore you who rail at such that disturb your slumbers with unsuccessful and demoralizing attempts to subjugate a guitar, beware! For sooner or later your own time will come. Mark Twain
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....try the mustard, - a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard. Mark Twain
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A sin takes on a new and real terror when there seems a chance that it is going to be found out. Mark Twain
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The silent colossal National Lie that is the support and confederate of all the tyrannies and shams and inequalities and unfairnesses that afflict the peoples - that is the one to throw bricks and sermons at. Mark Twain
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History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn't be wise. Mark Twain
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Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them. Mark Twain
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Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. Mark Twain
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I am the entire human race compacted together. I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way. Mark Twain
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...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. Mark Twain
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There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that. Mark Twain
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I have done more for San Francisco than any of its old residents. Since I left there it has increased in population fully 300,000. I could have done more - I could have gone earlier - it was suggested. Mark Twain
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Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
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A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. Mark Twain
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It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right. Mark Twain
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Good judgment comes from experience. And where does experience come from? Experience comes from bad judgment. Mark Twain
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The easy part of being an artist is figuring out the message that everyone else is ready to hear. The hard part is waiting for the proper lull to make the announcement. Mark Twain
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The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise... Mark Twain
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We wish to learn all the curious, outlandish ways of all the different countries, so that we can "show off" and astonish people when we get home. We wish to excite the envy of our untraveled friends with our strange foreign fashions which we can't shake off. Mark Twain
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The darling mispronunciations of childhood! - dear me, there's no music that can touch it; and how one grieves when it wastes away and dissolves into correctness, knowing it will never visit his bereaved ear again. Mark Twain
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The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large. Mark Twain
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If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick. Mark Twain
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All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth-including America, of course- consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen. Mark Twain
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No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous. Mark Twain
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In prayer we call ourselves 'worms of the dust', but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par. Mark Twain
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The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend is immortal Mark Twain
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The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases. Mark Twain
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Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders... Mark Twain
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Solomon, who was one of the Deity's favorites, had a copulation cabinet composed of seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. To save his life he could not have kept two of these young creatures satisfactorily refreshed, even if he had fifteen experts to help him. Necessarily almost the entire thousand had to go hungry for years and years on a stretch. Conceive of a man hardhearted enough to look daily upon all that suffering and not be moved to mitigate it. Mark Twain
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It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want-oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! Mark Twain
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You cant reach old age by another man's road, my habits protect my life but they would assassinate you Mark Twain
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Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time. Mark Twain
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one. Mark Twain
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Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Mark Twain
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Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson. Mark Twain
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You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use. Mark Twain
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The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey! Mark Twain
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The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so. Mark Twain
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Between believing a thing and thinking you KNOW is only a small step and quickly taken. Mark Twain
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