Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


In the matter of intellect the ant must be a strangely overrated bird. During many summers, now, I have watched him, when I ought to have been in better business, and I have not yet come across a living ant that seemed to have any more sense than a dead one. I refer to the ordinary ant, of course; I have had no experience of those wonderful Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies, hold slaves, and dispute about religion. Mark Twain
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Adam was but human-this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent: then he would have eaten the serpent. Mark Twain
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Thanksgiving Day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as 'the Queen's English.' The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! Mark Twain
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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford to, and when he can. Mark Twain
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[Man] has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race- and of ours-sexual intercourse! It is as if a lost and perishing person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might choose and have all longed for things but one, and he should elect to leave out water! Mark Twain
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Twenty-four years ago I was strangely handsome; in San Francisco in the rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather. Mark Twain
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We [Americans] are the lavishest and showiest and most luxury-loving people on the earth; and at our masthead we fly one true and honest symbol, the gaudiest flag the world has ever seen. Mark Twain
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A person [Satan] who has during all time maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of fourfifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilities of the loftiest order. Mark Twain
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Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word. Consider the flea! - incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Mark Twain
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There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain
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O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded... Mark Twain
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Don't you worry, and don't you hurry.'I know that phrase by heart, and if all other music should perish out of the world it would still sing to me. Mark Twain
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A coin, sleeve button, or a collar button dropped in a bedroom will hide itself and be hard to find. A handkerchief in bed 'can't' be found. Mark Twain
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Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law. Mark Twain
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I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct - nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying. Mark Twain
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He had had much experience of physicians, and said, the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. Mark Twain
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If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people. Mark Twain
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Man is a museum of diseases, a home of impurities; he comes today and is gone tomorrow; he begins as dirt and departs as stench. Mark Twain
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My advice to women is: First, don't smoke - to excess; Second, don't drink - to excess; Third, don't marry - to excess. Mark Twain
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Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. Mark Twain
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Modesty antedates clothes and will be resumed when clothes are no more. Modesty died when clothes were born. Modesty died when false modesty was born. Mark Twain
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Pilgrim's Progress, about a man who left his family, it didn't say why. The statements was interesting, but tough. Mark Twain
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Rail-splitting produced an unparalleled president in Lincoln. But gold hasn't produced even a good A-1 congressman. Mark Twain
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The only way to stay healthy is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
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There is a great deal of human nature in people. Mark Twain
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Tonight I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics. Mark Twain
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain
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We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world. Mark Twain
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When a man's dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama. Mark Twain
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Formerly, if you killed a man, it was possible that you were insane-but now, if you, having friends and money, kill a man, it is evidence that you are a lunatic. Mark Twain
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An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar. Mark Twain
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Definition of a classic - something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. Mark Twain
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A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt. Mark Twain
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I was a-trembling, because I'd got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself, All right, then, I'll GO to hell. Mark Twain
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The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. Mark Twain
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Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all - the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved. Mark Twain
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Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain
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If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick. Mark Twain
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All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth-including America, of course- consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen. Mark Twain
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No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous. Mark Twain
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In prayer we call ourselves 'worms of the dust', but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par. Mark Twain
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The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend is immortal Mark Twain
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The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases. Mark Twain
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Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders... Mark Twain
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain
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In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. Mark Twain
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. Mark Twain
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I asked tom if countries always apologize when they had done wrong, and he says, 'Yes, the little one does. Mark Twain
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Definite speech means clarity of mind. Mark Twain
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In my schoolboy days I had no aversion to slavery. I was not aware there was anything wrong about it. No-one arraigned it in my hearing; the local papers said nothing against it; the local pulpit taught us that God approved it, that it was a holy thing, and that the doubter need only look in the Bible if he wished to settle his mind. Mark Twain
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God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country. Mark Twain
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I am dead to adverbs; they cannot excite me. To misplace an adverb is a thing which I am able to do with frozen indifference; it can never give me a pang. There are subtleties which I cannot master at all - they confuse me, they mean absolutely nothing to me - and this adverb plague is one of them. Mark Twain
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I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography. Mark Twain
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Perfect grammar - persistent, continuous, sustained - is the fourth dimension, so to speak; many have sought it, but none has found it. Mark Twain
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We had an abundance of mangoes, papaias and bananas here, but the pride of the islands, the most delicious fruit known to men, cherimoya, was not in season. It has a soft pulp, like a pawpaw, and is eaten with a spoon. Mark Twain
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Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers. When I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him. Mark Twain
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[N]o country can be well governed unless its citizens as a body keep religiously before their minds that they are the guardians of the law and that the law officers are only the machinery for its execution, nothing more. Mark Twain
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To avoid lying, do nothing that needs covering. Mark Twain
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Experience teaches us only one thing at a time - and hardly that, in my case. Mark Twain
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I do not see how astronomers can help feeling exquisitely insignificant, for every new page of the Book of the Heavens they open reveals to them more and more that the world we are so proud of is to the universe of careening globes as is one mosquito to the winged and hoofed flocks and herds that darken the air and populate the plains and forests of all the earth. If you killed the mosquito would it be missed? Verily, What is Man, that he should be considered of God? Mark Twain
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We like to read about rich people in the newspapers; the papers know it, and they do their best to keep this appetite liberally fed. Mark Twain
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One of my theories is that the hearts of men are about alike, no matter what their skin color. Mark Twain
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Half of the results of a good intentions are evil; half the results of an evil intention are good. Mark Twain
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Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society. Mark Twain
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All religions issue bibles again Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. Mark Twain
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It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbour adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his to threaten our light. There is no limit to this soundness but the sky. Mark Twain
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Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth. Mark Twain
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I am able to say that while I am not ruggedly well, I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker. Mark Twain
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You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first. Mark Twain
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