Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961


Dance like nobody's looking. Mark Twain
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Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Mark Twain
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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain
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Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain
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If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it. Mark Twain
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One must travel, to learn. Mark Twain
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No church property is taxed and so the infidel and the atheist and the man without religion are taxed to make up the deficit. Mark Twain
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Happiness ain't a thing in itself - it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. Mark Twain
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Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom. Mark Twain
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To get the full value of joy You must have someone to divide it with. After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. Mark Twain
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The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. Mark Twain
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The statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception. Mark Twain
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The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy with the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. Mark Twain
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I had longed to be a butterfly, and I was one at last. I attended private parties in sumptuous evening dress, simpered and aired my graces like a born beau, and polkaed and schoisched with a step peculiar to myself - and the kangaroo. Mark Twain
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If I had been helping the Almighty when he created man, I would have had him begin at the other end, and start human beings with old age. How much better to start old and have all the bitterness and blindness of age in the beginning! Mark Twain
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I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives had grown old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good. Mark Twain
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The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like everything. Mark Twain
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An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency. Mark Twain
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What a man misses mostly in heaven is company. Mark Twain
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New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. Mark Twain
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A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to you than the ninety-and -nine which you had to work for, and money won at faro or in stock snuggles into your heart in the same way. Mark Twain
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Well, no doubt it's a blessed thing to have an imagination that can always make you satisfied, no matter how you are fixed. Mark Twain
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I would not read the proof of one of my books for any fair & reasonable sum whatever, if I could get out of it. The proof-reading on the P & Pauper cost me the last rags of my religion. Mark Twain
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Grown people everywhere are always likely to cling to the religion they were brought up in. Mark Twain
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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Sometimes we are too close to the scene, to see clearly. We "know" ourselves so well that we cannot see how we are perceived by others. Our opinion of ourselves is only "one" opinion and it may not be the truth. Mark Twain
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It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race. Mark Twain
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In the laboratory there are no fustian ranks, no brummagem aristocracies; the domain of Science is a republic, and all its citizens are brothers and equals, its princes of Monaco and its stonemasons of Cromarty meeting, barren of man-made gauds and meretricious decorations, upon the one majestic level! Mark Twain
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We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency. Mark Twain
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. Mark Twain
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Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. Mark Twain
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He said that man's heart was the only bad heart in the animal kingdom; that man was the only animal capable of feeling malice, envy, vindictiveness, revengefulness, hatred, selfishness, the only animal that loves drunkenness, almost the only animal that could endure personal uncleanliness and a filthy habitation, the sole animal in whom was fully developed the base instinct called patriotism, the sole animal that robs, persecutes, oppresses and kills members of his own tribe, the sole animal that steals and enslaves the members of any tribe. Mark Twain
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Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. Mark Twain
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The wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling. Mark Twain
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Nearly all black and brown skins are beautiful, but a beautiful white skin is rare. Mark Twain
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Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain
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It was a splendid population - for all the slow, sleepy, sluggish-brained sloths stayed at home - you never find that sort of people among pioneers - you cannot build pioneers out of that sort of material. It was that population that gave to California a name for getting up astounding enterprises and rushing them through with a magnificent dash and daring and a recklessness of cost or consequences, which she bears unto this day - and when she projects a new surprise the grave world smiles as usual and says, "Well, that is California all over. Mark Twain
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There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages. Mark Twain
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Always do what's right. That will gratify some and surprise the rest. Mark Twain
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Suppose . . . burglars had made entry into this . . . [library]. Picture them seated here on this floor, pouring the light of their dark-lanterns over some books they found, and thus absorbing moral truths and getting moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way and were sent to jail. For all I know, they may next be sent to Congress. Mark Twain
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More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking. Mark Twain
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I will remark in the way of general information, that in California, that land of felicitous nomenclature, the literary name of this sort of stuff is "hogwash" Mark Twain
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We recognize that there are no trivial occurrences in life if we get the right focus on them. Mark Twain
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There is nothing more frustrating than a good example. Mark Twain
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I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop. Mark Twain
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Comparison is the death of joy. Mark Twain
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We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes Mark Twain
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The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be damned. Mark Twain
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Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief. Mark Twain
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As a thinker and planner the ant is the equal of any savage race of men; as a self-educated specialist in several arts she is the superior of any savage race of men; and in one or two high mental qualities she is above the reach of any man, savage or civilized! Mark Twain
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Ethical man: A Christian holding four aces. Mark Twain
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To go abroad has something of the same sense that death brings. I am no longer of ye-what ye say of me is now of no consequence. Mark Twain
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This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Inasmuch as Strait is the way and narrow is the gate, and few - few - are they that enter in thereat has had the natural effect of making hell the only really prominent Christian community in any of the worlds; but we don't brag of this and certainly it is not proper to brag and boast that America is a Christian country when we all know that certainly five-sixths of our population could not enter in at the narrow gate. Mark Twain
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One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. From the code of morals I have been following and revising and revising for 72 years I remember one detail. All my life I have been honest - comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly - I could only lend it. Mark Twain
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All gentle cant and philosophizing to the contrary notwithstanding, no people in this world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed, must begin in blood. Mark Twain
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Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market. Mark Twain
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Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash, I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully. Mark Twain
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I was armed to the teeth with a pitiful little Smith & Wesson's seven-shooter, which carried a ball like a homopathic pill, and it took the whole seven to make a dose for an adult. But I thought it was grand. It appeared to me to be a dangerous weapon. It had only one fault - you could not hit anything with it. Mark Twain
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Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds. Mark Twain
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Armor is heavy, yet it is a proud burden, and a man standeth straight in it. Mark Twain
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Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe. Mark Twain
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No one can tell me what is a good cigar-for me. I am the only judge... There are no standards-no real standards. Each man's preference is the only standard for him, the only one which he can accept, the only one which can command him. Mark Twain
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In other localities certain places in the streams are much better than others, but at Niagara one place is just as good as another, for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere. Mark Twain
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Thanksgiving Day - Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys, they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Mark Twain
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Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction. Mark Twain
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There are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics. Mark Twain
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Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality Mark Twain
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Gold in its native state is but dull, unornamental stuff, and only lowborn metals excite the admiration of the ignorant with an ostentatious glitter. However, like the rest of the world, I still go on underrating men of gold and glorifying men of mica. Mark Twain
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I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it. Mark Twain
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I like Joan of Arc best of all my books; and it is the best; I know it perfectly well. Mark Twain
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