Mark Twain Quotes & Wallpapers

Mark Twain
Total Quotes: 2961

Dance like nobody's looking. Mark Twain

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it. Mark Twain

One must travel, to learn. Mark Twain

No church property is taxed and so the infidel and the atheist and the man without religion are taxed to make up the deficit. Mark Twain

To get the full value of joy You must have someone to divide it with. After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. Mark Twain

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. Mark Twain

The statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception. Mark Twain

The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy with the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. Mark Twain

I had longed to be a butterfly, and I was one at last. I attended private parties in sumptuous evening dress, simpered and aired my graces like a born beau, and polkaed and schoisched with a step peculiar to myself - and the kangaroo. Mark Twain

If I had been helping the Almighty when he created man, I would have had him begin at the other end, and start human beings with old age. How much better to start old and have all the bitterness and blindness of age in the beginning! Mark Twain

I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives had grown old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good. Mark Twain

The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like everything. Mark Twain

An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency. Mark Twain

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company. Mark Twain

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. Mark Twain

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to you than the ninety-and -nine which you had to work for, and money won at faro or in stock snuggles into your heart in the same way. Mark Twain

Well, no doubt it's a blessed thing to have an imagination that can always make you satisfied, no matter how you are fixed. Mark Twain

I would not read the proof of one of my books for any fair & reasonable sum whatever, if I could get out of it. The proof-reading on the P & Pauper cost me the last rags of my religion. Mark Twain

Grown people everywhere are always likely to cling to the religion they were brought up in. Mark Twain

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Sometimes we are too close to the scene, to see clearly. We "know" ourselves so well that we cannot see how we are perceived by others. Our opinion of ourselves is only "one" opinion and it may not be the truth. Mark Twain

It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race. Mark Twain

In the laboratory there are no fustian ranks, no brummagem aristocracies; the domain of Science is a republic, and all its citizens are brothers and equals, its princes of Monaco and its stonemasons of Cromarty meeting, barren of man-made gauds and meretricious decorations, upon the one majestic level! Mark Twain

We are all ignorant; just about different things. Mark Twain

There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous. Mark Twain

This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Inasmuch as Strait is the way and narrow is the gate, and few - few - are they that enter in thereat has had the natural effect of making hell the only really prominent Christian community in any of the worlds; but we don't brag of this and certainly it is not proper to brag and boast that America is a Christian country when we all know that certainly five-sixths of our population could not enter in at the narrow gate. Mark Twain

One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. From the code of morals I have been following and revising and revising for 72 years I remember one detail. All my life I have been honest - comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly - I could only lend it. Mark Twain

All gentle cant and philosophizing to the contrary notwithstanding, no people in this world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed, must begin in blood. Mark Twain

Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market. Mark Twain

Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash, I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully. Mark Twain

Great things can happen when you don't care who gets the credit. Mark Twain

We recognize that there are no trivial occurrences in life if we get the right focus on them. Mark Twain

There is nothing more frustrating than a good example. Mark Twain

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop. Mark Twain

Comparison is the death of joy. Mark Twain

Who is this Renaissance? Where did he come from? Who gave him permission to cram the Republic with his execrable daubs? Mark Twain

Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction. Mark Twain

There are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics. Mark Twain

Always do what's right. That will gratify some and surprise the rest. Mark Twain

Suppose . . . burglars had made entry into this . . . [library]. Picture them seated here on this floor, pouring the light of their dark-lanterns over some books they found, and thus absorbing moral truths and getting moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way and were sent to jail. For all I know, they may next be sent to Congress. Mark Twain

More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking. Mark Twain

There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure. Mark Twain

Stars and shadows ain't good to see by. Mark Twain

Authorship is not a trade, it is an inspiration; authorship does not keep an office, its habitation is all out under the sky, and everywhere the winds are blowing and the sun is shining and the creatures of God are free. Mark Twain

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever. Mark Twain

You thunder and lightning too much; the reader ceases to get under the bed, by and by. Mark Twain

And so when I couldn't stand it no longer, I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. Mark Twain

You have noticed that the human being is a curiosity. In times past he has had (and worn out and flung away) hundreds and hundreds of religions; today he has hundreds and hundreds of religions, and launches not fewer than three new ones every year. I could enlarge on that number and still be within the facts. Mark Twain

It is believed by everyone that when he was in heaven he was stern, hard, resentful, jealous and cruel, but that when he came down to earth, he became the opposite... sweet, gentle merciful, forgiving. He was a thousand billion times crueler than ever he was in the Old Testament... Meek and gentle? By and by we will examine that popular sarcasm by the light of the hell which he invented. Mark Twain

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Mark Twain

The truth is a precious commodity. That's why I use it so sparingly. Mark Twain

Wherein lies a poet's claim to originality? That he invents his incidents? No. That he was present when his episodes had their birth? No. That he was first to repeat them? No. None of these things has any value. He confers on them their only originality that has any value, and that is his way of telling them. Mark Twain

Schoolboy days are no happier than the days of afterlife, but we look back upon them regretfully because we have forgotten our punishments at school and how we grieved when our marbles were lost and our kites destroyed - because we have forgotten all the sorrows and privations of the canonized ethic and remember only its orchard robberies, its wooden-sword pageants, and its fishing holidays. Mark Twain

It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise. Mark Twain

Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime. Mark Twain

If work were so pleasant, the rich would keep it for themselves. Mark Twain

Leaving out the gamblers, the burglars, and the plumbers, perhaps we do put our trust in God after a fashion. But, after all, it is an overstatement. If the cholera or black plague should come to these shores, perhaps the bulk of the nation would pray to be delivered from it, but the rest would put their trust in The Health Board... Mark Twain

When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around. When I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain

It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death. It is a time when one is filled with vague longings; when one dreams of flight to peaceful islands in the remote solitudes of the sea, or folds his hands and says, What is the use of struggling, and toiling and worrying any more? let us give it all up. Mark Twain

The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be damned. Mark Twain

Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief. Mark Twain

As a thinker and planner the ant is the equal of any savage race of men; as a self-educated specialist in several arts she is the superior of any savage race of men; and in one or two high mental qualities she is above the reach of any man, savage or civilized! Mark Twain

Ethical man: A Christian holding four aces. Mark Twain

To go abroad has something of the same sense that death brings. I am no longer of ye-what ye say of me is now of no consequence. Mark Twain

It is easier for a cannibal to enter the Kingdom of Heaven through the eye of a rich man's needle that it is for any other foreigner to read the terrible German script. Mark Twain

By reading keep in a state of excited igorance, like a blind man in a house afire; flounder around, immensely but unintelligently interested; don't know how I got in and can't find the way out, but I'm having a booming time all to myself.Don't know what a Schelgesetzentwurf is, but I keep as excited over it and as worried about it as if it were my own child. I simply live on the Sch.; it is my daily bread. I wouldn't have the question settled for anything in the world. Mark Twain

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