Louis C K Quotes & Wallpapers

Louis C K
Total Quotes: 298

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored. Louis C K

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money. Louis C K

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. Louis C K

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple. Louis C K

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don't. Louis C K

I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body. Louis C K

There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE ! Louis C K

You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem. Louis C K

It's just a big excuse to say awful things. Louis C K

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it. Louis C K

There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' Louis C K

Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people. Louis C K

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. Louis C K

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. Louis C K

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' Louis C K

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' Louis C K

I could never sit down and write jokes. Louis C K

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. Louis C K

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them. Louis C K

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Louis C K

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't. Louis C K

I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure. Louis C K

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at. Louis C K

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good. Louis C K

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience. Louis C K

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do. Louis C K

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win. Louis C K

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two. Louis C K

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing. Louis C K

You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you. Louis C K

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about. Louis C K

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame. Louis C K

Misery is wasted on the miserable. Louis C K

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something, Louis C K

Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Louis C K

I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n-' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'. Louis C K

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it. Louis C K

I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know? Louis C K

There's a need to perfect things in a writers' room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It's a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something. Louis C K

It's been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that's what he did. Louis C K

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even. Louis C K

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that's a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they'll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you'll get found there. Louis C K

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me. Louis C K

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." Louis C K

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there." Louis C K

I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. My mother was a single mom, putting my three sisters through college, and I was such a bad student that I knew I had no right to take her money. But I loved being in classes and learning. I took in a huge amount of what I learned, but I had a feeling of always being behind and being in trouble. Louis C K

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. Louis C K

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. Louis C K

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else. Louis C K

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. Louis C K

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. Louis C K

Life is full of horrible mistakes. Louis C K

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. Louis C K

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. Louis C K

You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented. Louis C K

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. Louis C K

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. Louis C K

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on! Louis C K

...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties. Louis C K

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. And a lot of fathers live very much in avoidance, and they sit on the toilet. Or they say, 'Oh honey, it took me 40 minutes to go to the post office.' And they just sort of sit in the driveway and heave a big sigh- 'Oh, I have to go back in.' But then once you take it out on your own, you have to take it all on. And you sort of activate male skills that you didn't know you could apply to fatherhood. Louis C K

That's a good question. I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way. Louis C K

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please! Louis C K

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'. Louis C K

You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless. Louis C K

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from. Louis C K

All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good. Louis C K

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with." Louis C K

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation. Louis C K

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people. Louis C K

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out. Louis C K

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