Joan Rivers Quotes & Wallpapers

Joan Rivers
Total Quotes: 399


My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. Joan Rivers
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I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers
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God always comes up with a third act twist - and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy. Joan Rivers
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all. Joan Rivers
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Having a baby can be a scream. Joan Rivers
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly. Joan Rivers
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Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them. Joan Rivers
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We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Joan Rivers
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body. Joan Rivers
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken. Joan Rivers
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' Joan Rivers
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I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. Joan Rivers
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again. Joan Rivers
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I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?' Joan Rivers
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She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. Joan Rivers
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I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.' Joan Rivers
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly Joan Rivers
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian. Joan Rivers
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. Joan Rivers
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. Joan Rivers
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. Joan Rivers
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong. Joan Rivers
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[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground. Joan Rivers
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself. Joan Rivers
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[Signature phrase:] Can we talk? Joan Rivers
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material. Joan Rivers
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers
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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers
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I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. Joan Rivers
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I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business. Joan Rivers
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. Joan Rivers
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer. Joan Rivers
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it! Joan Rivers
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age. Joan Rivers
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I'm never without a bandage. Joan Rivers
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I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack. Joan Rivers
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Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips. Joan Rivers
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. Joan Rivers
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. Joan Rivers
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth. Joan Rivers
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud. Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Joan Rivers
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I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck. Joan Rivers
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one. Joan Rivers
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. Joan Rivers
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs. Joan Rivers
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it. Joan Rivers
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers
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Every television show you go on is a choice. Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers
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The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse. Joan Rivers
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another. Joan Rivers
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I was my own buddy in camp. Joan Rivers
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Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts. Joan Rivers
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception. Joan Rivers
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters. Joan Rivers
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. Joan Rivers
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. Joan Rivers
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I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him. Joan Rivers
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Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers
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Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life. Joan Rivers
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Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers
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Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. Joan Rivers
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When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it. Joan Rivers
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I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. Joan Rivers
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I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. Joan Rivers
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