Joan Rivers Quotes & Wallpapers

Joan Rivers
Total Quotes: 404

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. Joan Rivers

God always comes up with a third act twist - and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy. Joan Rivers

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken. Joan Rivers

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all. Joan Rivers

Having a baby can be a scream. Joan Rivers

I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly. Joan Rivers

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them. Joan Rivers

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body. Joan Rivers

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Joan Rivers

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. Joan Rivers

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again. Joan Rivers

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?' Joan Rivers

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.' Joan Rivers

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian. Joan Rivers

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' Joan Rivers

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. Joan Rivers

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. Joan Rivers

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. Joan Rivers

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong. Joan Rivers

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground. Joan Rivers

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself. Joan Rivers

[Signature phrase:] Can we talk? Joan Rivers

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly Joan Rivers

I use a smoke alarm as a timer. Joan Rivers

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it! Joan Rivers

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age. Joan Rivers

I'm never without a bandage. Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack. Joan Rivers

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips. Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business. Joan Rivers

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. Joan Rivers

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material. Joan Rivers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. Joan Rivers

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. Joan Rivers

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth. Joan Rivers

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud. Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything. Joan Rivers

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. Joan Rivers

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another. Joan Rivers

I was my own buddy in camp. Joan Rivers

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts. Joan Rivers

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception. Joan Rivers

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters. Joan Rivers

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse. Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Joan Rivers

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck. Joan Rivers

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one. Joan Rivers

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs. Joan Rivers

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it. Joan Rivers

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway. Joan Rivers

Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception. Joan Rivers

You're going to get what I think is the truth, and it's going to be raw. Joan Rivers

You do' marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money. Joan Rivers

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. Joan Rivers

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing. Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone. Joan Rivers

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery. Joan Rivers

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa. Joan Rivers

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.' Joan Rivers

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will. Joan Rivers

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