Henny Youngman Quotes & Wallpapers

Henny Youngman
Total Quotes: 237

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. Henny Youngman

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. Henny Youngman

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Henny Youngman

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday. Henny Youngman

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room. Henny Youngman

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink. Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." Henny Youngman

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. Henny Youngman

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. Henny Youngman

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. Henny Youngman

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. Henny Youngman

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.... Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. Henny Youngman

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. Henny Youngman

I live about four muggings from Central Park. Henny Youngman

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house! Henny Youngman

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? Henny Youngman

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? Henny Youngman

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" Henny Youngman

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off! Henny Youngman

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. Henny Youngman

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." Henny Youngman

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. Henny Youngman

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. Henny Youngman

Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us! Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. Henny Youngman

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking. Henny Youngman

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini! Henny Youngman

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. Henny Youngman

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. Henny Youngman

Take my wife - please! Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" Henny Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!" Henny Youngman

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. Henny Youngman

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O Henny Youngman

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. Henny Youngman

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. Henny Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Henny Youngman

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. Henny Youngman

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying. Henny Youngman

I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can Henny Youngman

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today. Henny Youngman

Let's get up here before we get killed! Henny Youngman

Old teachers never die, they just grade away. Henny Youngman

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. Henny Youngman

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