Groucho Marx Quotes & Wallpapers

Groucho Marx
Total Quotes: 369

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did. Groucho Marx

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest. Groucho Marx

That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight. Groucho Marx

Don't ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it's often been said that money won't make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it's a lovely thing to have around the house. Groucho Marx

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid. Groucho Marx

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops. Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Groucho Marx

I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room. Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill. Groucho Marx

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? Groucho Marx

Blood's not thicker than money. Groucho Marx

Patience is the art of finding something else to do. Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight... Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor. Groucho Marx

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky. Groucho Marx

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man. Groucho Marx

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast. Groucho Marx

The only real laughter comes from despair. Groucho Marx

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you Groucho Marx

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar Groucho Marx

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life Groucho Marx

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while Groucho Marx

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down Groucho Marx

How would you like to feel the way she looks Groucho Marx

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood Groucho Marx

Budget: a way of going broke methodically Groucho Marx

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection. Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies. Groucho Marx

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. Groucho Marx

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. Groucho Marx

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. Groucho Marx

I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally? I never said that. Groucho Marx

I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now, you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I'll know you. Groucho Marx

He may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx

[Answering the question 'Are you a man or a mouse?':] You put a piece of cheese down there and you'll find out. Groucho Marx

I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. Groucho Marx

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you. Groucho Marx

I do' have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They"re upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right. Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar. Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's. Groucho Marx

Whatever it is, I'm against it. Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Groucho Marx

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded. Groucho Marx

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! Groucho Marx

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. Groucho Marx

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are. Groucho Marx

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! Groucho Marx

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. Groucho Marx

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