George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure. George Carlin
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people. George Carlin
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it. George Carlin
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I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now. George Carlin
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In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole. George Carlin
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite? George Carlin
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Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions. George Carlin
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. George Carlin
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool! George Carlin
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have. George Carlin
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I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. George Carlin
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. George Carlin
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And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. George Carlin
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? George Carlin
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George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. George Carlin
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I ca' quite remember. George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. George Carlin
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Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. George Carlin
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Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
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It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good! George Carlin
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She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. George Carlin
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Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. George Carlin
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. George Carlin
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. George Carlin
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That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for. George Carlin
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. George Carlin
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin
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Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. George Carlin
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. George Carlin
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. George Carlin
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater. George Carlin
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. George Carlin
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But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow. George Carlin
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help. George Carlin
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George Carlin
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I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. George Carlin
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Language always gives you away. George Carlin
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven. George Carlin
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Life is a near-death experience. George Carlin
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine! George Carlin
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Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me. George Carlin
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Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. George Carlin
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. George Carlin
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. George Carlin
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis. George Carlin
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If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in? George Carlin
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. George Carlin
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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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I do something about the weather. I stay home. George Carlin
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I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left. George Carlin
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street. George Carlin
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. George Carlin
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What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part? George Carlin
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Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. George Carlin
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
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If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together. George Carlin
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I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him. George Carlin
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It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America. George Carlin
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. George Carlin
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You never see a smiling runner. George Carlin
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew. George Carlin
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Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are. George Carlin
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. George Carlin
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning. George Carlin
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