George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin
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The status quo sucks. George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin
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Life is a near-death experience. George Carlin
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven. George Carlin
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. George Carlin
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it. George Carlin
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. George Carlin
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"No comment" is a comment. George Carlin
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. George Carlin
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? George Carlin
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. George Carlin
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. George Carlin
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Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? George Carlin
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience. George Carlin
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I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. George Carlin
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McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. George Carlin
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. George Carlin
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May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! George Carlin
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine! George Carlin
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Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me. George Carlin
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I do something about the weather. I stay home. George Carlin
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I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left. George Carlin
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street. George Carlin
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. George Carlin
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What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part? George Carlin
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Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. George Carlin
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
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If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together. George Carlin
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I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him. George Carlin
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It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America. George Carlin
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. George Carlin
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You never see a smiling runner. George Carlin
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew. George Carlin
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I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. George Carlin
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. George Carlin
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And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. George Carlin
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Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' George Carlin
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. George Carlin
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.) George Carlin
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards George Carlin
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Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are. George Carlin
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. George Carlin
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Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. George Carlin
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In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole. George Carlin
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite? George Carlin
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Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions. George Carlin
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. George Carlin
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool! George Carlin
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have. George Carlin
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. George Carlin
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis. George Carlin
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If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in? George Carlin
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. George Carlin
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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt George Carlin
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Language always gives you away. George Carlin
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning. George Carlin
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. George Carlin
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Mother's milk leads to everything. George Carlin
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. George Carlin
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Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims against the tide, the outsider, the loner, all of that guy. He was my private self, and I had this other side that wanted to be liked in order to do all those things I dreamed of as a little boy. I didn't realize that those things didn't go together until later. And I'm quite sure that my use of acid and peyote helped me accept what was really going on inside of me instead of what I had imposed on myself. George Carlin
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control. George Carlin
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow. George Carlin
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure. George Carlin
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people. George Carlin
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