George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.) George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Tits always look better in a pink sweater. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The status quo sucks. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Where do we get our values from? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand." George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Mother's milk leads to everything. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims against the tide, the outsider, the loner, all of that guy. He was my private self, and I had this other side that wanted to be liked in order to do all those things I dreamed of as a little boy. I didn't realize that those things didn't go together until later. And I'm quite sure that my use of acid and peyote helped me accept what was really going on inside of me instead of what I had imposed on myself. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I do something about the weather. I stay home. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You never see a smiling runner. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:



<< PREVIOUS PAGE Page 9 of 15 | NEXT PAGE >
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   13   14   15  


RELATED TOPICS

George Carlin Quotes, George Carlin Quotes Government, Hypocrisy Quotes George Carlin, Plastic George Carlin Quote, Stuff George Carlin Quotes, Carlin Quotes, Curious George Ether, Curious George Quotes, King George Quotes, Quotes George Burns, Saint George Quotes,