George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. George Carlin
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People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life. George Carlin
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E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. George Carlin
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I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. George Carlin
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Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with George Carlin
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There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got.. because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now.. the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. George Carlin
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We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
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The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch. George Carlin
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. George Carlin
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Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick George Carlin
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For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. George Carlin
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I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat ! George Carlin
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. George Carlin
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Pardon me I've got nothing to say. George Carlin
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. George Carlin
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There are only two places in the world: over here and over there. George Carlin
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth. George Carlin
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A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate? George Carlin
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it. George Carlin
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it? George Carlin
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three. George Carlin
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough? George Carlin
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Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. George Carlin
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. George Carlin
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius. George Carlin
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. George Carlin
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I was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I didn't interpret it that way, as such. Children never interpret these things. They think they understand logically. George Carlin
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I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the alter boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it. George Carlin
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea. George Carlin
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Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature. George Carlin
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject. George Carlin
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life. George Carlin
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Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke. George Carlin
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians. George Carlin
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. George Carlin
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I think we"re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It does' punish, it does' reward, it does' judge at all. It just is. George Carlin
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin
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The status quo sucks. George Carlin
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. George Carlin
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it. George Carlin
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. George Carlin
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"No comment" is a comment. George Carlin
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. George Carlin
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? George Carlin
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. George Carlin
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. George Carlin
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Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? George Carlin
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience. George Carlin
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I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. George Carlin
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McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. George Carlin
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. George Carlin
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May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! George Carlin
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. George Carlin
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The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. George Carlin
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown. George Carlin
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Where do we get our values from? George Carlin
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Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand." George Carlin
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Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' George Carlin
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. George Carlin
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.) George Carlin
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards George Carlin
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. George Carlin
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Mother's milk leads to everything. George Carlin
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. George Carlin
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Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims against the tide, the outsider, the loner, all of that guy. He was my private self, and I had this other side that wanted to be liked in order to do all those things I dreamed of as a little boy. I didn't realize that those things didn't go together until later. And I'm quite sure that my use of acid and peyote helped me accept what was really going on inside of me instead of what I had imposed on myself. George Carlin
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control. George Carlin
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow. George Carlin
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