George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. George Carlin

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. George Carlin

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there. George Carlin

And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth. George Carlin

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate? George Carlin

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it. George Carlin

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it? George Carlin

At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three. George Carlin

And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough? George Carlin

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. George Carlin

That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. George Carlin

I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius. George Carlin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. George Carlin

I was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I didn't interpret it that way, as such. Children never interpret these things. They think they understand logically. George Carlin

I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the alter boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it. George Carlin

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea. George Carlin

Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature. George Carlin

I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject. George Carlin

Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life. George Carlin

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke. George Carlin

I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians. George Carlin

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. George Carlin

I think we"re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It does' punish, it does' reward, it does' judge at all. It just is. George Carlin

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. George Carlin

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George Carlin

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. George Carlin

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. George Carlin

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Pardon me I've got nothing to say. George Carlin

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. George Carlin

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. George Carlin

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life. George Carlin

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it. George Carlin

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. George Carlin

"No comment" is a comment. George Carlin

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. George Carlin

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? George Carlin

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. George Carlin

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. George Carlin

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? George Carlin

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience. George Carlin

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. George Carlin

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. George Carlin

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. George Carlin

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! George Carlin

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. George Carlin

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. George Carlin

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown. George Carlin

Where do we get our values from? George Carlin

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand." George Carlin

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' George Carlin

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. George Carlin

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.) George Carlin

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards George Carlin

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. George Carlin

Mother's milk leads to everything. George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. George Carlin

Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims against the tide, the outsider, the loner, all of that guy. He was my private self, and I had this other side that wanted to be liked in order to do all those things I dreamed of as a little boy. I didn't realize that those things didn't go together until later. And I'm quite sure that my use of acid and peyote helped me accept what was really going on inside of me instead of what I had imposed on myself. George Carlin

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control. George Carlin

I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow. George Carlin

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure. George Carlin

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people. George Carlin

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it. George Carlin



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