George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! George Carlin
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I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat ! George Carlin
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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. George Carlin
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What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this." George Carlin
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There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions. George Carlin
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I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. George Carlin
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You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. George Carlin
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Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. George Carlin
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I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just see different things and hear different things. But it's nice to be working from the base that I wrote originally and then come to it with a little buzz. I can have a little wine from time to time. I have a hit from time to time, but those are the only things I do. George Carlin
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I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you. George Carlin
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction. George Carlin
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There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with us when I was 2 months old and my brother was 5. Real dramatic stuff: down the fire escape, through backyards. So, I sort of raised myself. I was alone a lot and I invented myself - I lived through the radio and through my imagination. George Carlin
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I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. George Carlin
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I was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I didn't interpret it that way, as such. Children never interpret these things. They think they understand logically. George Carlin
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I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the alter boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it. George Carlin
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea. George Carlin
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Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature. George Carlin
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject. George Carlin
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life. George Carlin
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Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke. George Carlin
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians. George Carlin
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. George Carlin
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
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I think we"re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It does' punish, it does' reward, it does' judge at all. It just is. George Carlin
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Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. George Carlin
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I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine. George Carlin
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three. George Carlin
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough? George Carlin
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Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. George Carlin
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. George Carlin
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There are only two places in the world: over here and over there. George Carlin
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth. George Carlin
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A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate? George Carlin
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it. George Carlin
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it? George Carlin
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. George Carlin
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius. George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. George Carlin
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But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow. George Carlin
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help. George Carlin
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George Carlin
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. George Carlin
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I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. George Carlin
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. George Carlin
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? George Carlin
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. George Carlin
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. George Carlin
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Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? George Carlin
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience. George Carlin
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I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. George Carlin
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McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. George Carlin
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. George Carlin
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May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! George Carlin
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Life is a near-death experience. George Carlin
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven. George Carlin
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Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. George Carlin
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. George Carlin
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. George Carlin
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater. George Carlin
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. George Carlin
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Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. George Carlin
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Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
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It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good! George Carlin
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She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. George Carlin
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Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. George Carlin
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. George Carlin
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. George Carlin
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