George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English. George Carlin
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. George Carlin
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When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. George Carlin
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I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. George Carlin
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch. George Carlin
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. George Carlin
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! George Carlin
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! George Carlin
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I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon. George Carlin
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. George Carlin
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. George Carlin
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away? George Carlin
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. George Carlin
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. George Carlin
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. George Carlin
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. George Carlin
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Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic. George Carlin
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You get to play with people's little danger zones. George Carlin
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire. George Carlin
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag. George Carlin
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch. George Carlin
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin
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I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
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Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. George Carlin
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People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life. George Carlin
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With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. George Carlin
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O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. George Carlin
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'. George Carlin
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I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. George Carlin
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An art thief is a man who takes pictures. George Carlin
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There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you. George Carlin
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. George Carlin
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Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer. George Carlin
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? George Carlin
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E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. George Carlin
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I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. George Carlin
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Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with George Carlin
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos George Carlin
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. George Carlin
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People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? George Carlin
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Pardon me I've got nothing to say. George Carlin
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. George Carlin
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I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. George Carlin
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin
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We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
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The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch. George Carlin
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. George Carlin
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There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got.. because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now.. the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. George Carlin
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George Carlin
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Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick George Carlin
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For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. George Carlin
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. George Carlin
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George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. George Carlin
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When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? George Carlin
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. George Carlin
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. George Carlin
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to. George Carlin
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If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. George Carlin
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The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. George Carlin
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. George Carlin
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there. George Carlin
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. George Carlin
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And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National George Carlin
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. George Carlin
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