George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


You get to play with people's little danger zones. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Sudden total weight loss. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Here's a bumper sticker I"d like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he does' need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

An art thief is a man who takes pictures. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got.. because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now.. the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat ! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this." George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:



<< PREVIOUS PAGE Page 7 of 15 | NEXT PAGE >
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   13   14   15  


RELATED TOPICS

George Carlin Quotes, George Carlin Quotes Government, Hypocrisy Quotes George Carlin, Plastic George Carlin Quote, Stuff George Carlin Quotes, Carlin Quotes, Curious George Ether, Curious George Quotes, King George Quotes, Quotes George Burns, Saint George Quotes,