George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. George Carlin
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When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. George Carlin
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Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin
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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. George Carlin
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. George Carlin
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format, five, eight, 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners, so since writing books, the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials, and it can also end up in one of the books. George Carlin
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. George Carlin
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Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? George Carlin
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Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance. George Carlin
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course. George Carlin
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. George Carlin
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The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols. George Carlin
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Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear. George Carlin
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Is there another word for synonym? George Carlin
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow. George Carlin
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. George Carlin
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. George Carlin
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We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket. George Carlin
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When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. George Carlin
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it George Carlin
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch. George Carlin
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. George Carlin
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And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National George Carlin
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. George Carlin
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! George Carlin
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With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. George Carlin
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O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. George Carlin
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'. George Carlin
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I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. George Carlin
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An art thief is a man who takes pictures. George Carlin
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There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you. George Carlin
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. George Carlin
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Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer. George Carlin
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? George Carlin
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George Carlin
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. George Carlin
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos George Carlin
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. George Carlin
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People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? George Carlin
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I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat ! George Carlin
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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. George Carlin
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If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. George Carlin
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The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. George Carlin
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Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick George Carlin
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For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. George Carlin
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What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this." George Carlin
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There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions. George Carlin
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I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. George Carlin
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I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
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Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin
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You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. George Carlin
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Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. George Carlin
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I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just see different things and hear different things. But it's nice to be working from the base that I wrote originally and then come to it with a little buzz. I can have a little wine from time to time. I have a hit from time to time, but those are the only things I do. George Carlin
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I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you. George Carlin
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction. George Carlin
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There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with us when I was 2 months old and my brother was 5. Real dramatic stuff: down the fire escape, through backyards. So, I sort of raised myself. I was alone a lot and I invented myself - I lived through the radio and through my imagination. George Carlin
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I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. George Carlin
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. George Carlin
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I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. George Carlin
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin
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Pardon me I've got nothing to say. George Carlin
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three. George Carlin
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough? George Carlin
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Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. George Carlin
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I think we"re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It does' punish, it does' reward, it does' judge at all. It just is. George Carlin
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