George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. George Carlin
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away? George Carlin
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. George Carlin
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. George Carlin
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. George Carlin
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. George Carlin
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Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic. George Carlin
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You get to play with people's little danger zones. George Carlin
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire. George Carlin
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag. George Carlin
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I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. George Carlin
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch. George Carlin
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. George Carlin
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! George Carlin
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! George Carlin
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch. George Carlin
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I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind. George Carlin
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No one has to come see my shows who doesn't like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a ticket. They're free to leave at any time. So I'm not imposing anything on anyone. Therefore I feel free to cross the line. George Carlin
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought. George Carlin
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either. George Carlin
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it George Carlin
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. George Carlin
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And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National George Carlin
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. George Carlin
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! George Carlin
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With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. George Carlin
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O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. George Carlin
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'. George Carlin
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I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. George Carlin
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An art thief is a man who takes pictures. George Carlin
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There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you. George Carlin
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. George Carlin
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Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer. George Carlin
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? George Carlin
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What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this." George Carlin
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There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions. George Carlin
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I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. George Carlin
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to. George Carlin
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If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. George Carlin
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The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. George Carlin
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You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. George Carlin
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Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. George Carlin
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I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just see different things and hear different things. But it's nice to be working from the base that I wrote originally and then come to it with a little buzz. I can have a little wine from time to time. I have a hit from time to time, but those are the only things I do. George Carlin
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I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you. George Carlin
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction. George Carlin
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There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with us when I was 2 months old and my brother was 5. Real dramatic stuff: down the fire escape, through backyards. So, I sort of raised myself. I was alone a lot and I invented myself - I lived through the radio and through my imagination. George Carlin
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I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. George Carlin
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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. George Carlin
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George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. George Carlin
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When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? George Carlin
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. George Carlin
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Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. George Carlin
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I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine. George Carlin
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there. George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. George Carlin
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I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. George Carlin
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George Carlin
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. George Carlin
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos George Carlin
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. George Carlin
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People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? George Carlin
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin
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I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right. George Carlin
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